New Camera and Stuff

My old camera just plain pooped out. Bummer. New cameras (that actually work) aren't cheap. Lucky for me a friend who fancies photos, sold me one of his. And I am in LOVE with this new camera and what I'm able to capture on film, er um... memory card.

Although in true Meg fashion must show you all the first set of pics I took. I was still figuring out the lighting and speed and zooming, etc...failed to notice Bitty was having a bit of an issue. Ha! But I got in on camera. Way to go Meg!







Then the bebes and I went outside and had SO much fun on a lovely, warm, summer afternoon. It was a magical feeling with my perfect (to me) little girls galloping around the field and laughing and smiling. Love is in the air. My cup runeth over:





I haven't felt a peace like this in so long.

The world in spinning around me and I know well that hearts are heavy of loved ones, and others are bracing for yet another storm. Where I have been selfish about my own problems before, I can now open my eyes and give my prayers and love and dedication to something beyond me. Lead me Lord and I will follow.

Something is stirring in this soul of mine.

Family Dynamic

dy·nam·ic Pronunciation: \dī-ˈna-mik\ Function: adjective. Etymology: French dynamique, from Greek dynamikos powerful, from dynamis power, from dynasthai to be able. Date: 1799
1 also dy·nam·i·cal \-mi-kəl\
a: of or relating to physical force or energy
b: of or relating to dynamics
2 a: marked by usually continuous and productive activity or change
b: energetic, forceful
3 of random-access memory : requiring periodic refreshment of charge in order to retain data— dy·nam·i·cal·ly \-mi-k(ə-)lē\ adverb. Courtesy of:
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/dynamic

Then I typed "family dynamic relationships" and found this lovely link:
http://www.ehow.com/articles_4939-family-dynamics.html?ref=fuel&utm_source=yahoo&utm_medium=ssp&utm_campaign=yssp_cat
I admittedly did not link to each of the suggested how-tos, but found just the titles of each very entertaining.

This leads me to: What in the world is wrong with people? Myself completely included. I should have paid more attention in my college psych class. Instead now I make up for it by people watching and being completely blindsided by my own family's dynamic. There's different waves of this family. Dad are I are the remaining middle. Hubby and the bebes are the next emerging middle, in-laws, cousins, and such are each out a little farther on these ripples.

Why do people lash out at the ones they love when they are hurt, or stressed or confused? Shouldn't family (including God) be the first ones we run to for shelter and comfort? I know many are of the thought that if there's anger, even if it's not caused or perceived to be from the family or loved ones, we are more likely to be harsh and hurtful with these very people because they are our "safe" place to be angry. We know they'll still love us anyway. I get it, to an extent, but I don't like it. It's seems backwards.

Where is the fine line between being challenged to think about something differently, and feeling like your space has been invaded? It's not even a good vs. evil kind of thing because that would be too easy. There can be many options, many of which are ALL fine. It's when there isn't clearly a right or wrong answer that I get thrown off. I want it to be THIS way. You want it to be THAT way. Both are plausible and ethical and supported. But this decision effects ME directly and therefore in the end I want it to be THIS way.

How do we carefully and lovingly accept care, concern, and worry, and then say we're still not going to do it your way? I'm still going to do this THIS way. Thank you for your input and time, please don't hate me because you still haven't changed my mind, and I DO appreciate that you care, so let's not waste any more time on this. Want to go out for pizza? There's got to be a more tactful way of addressing these things.

This family dynamic thing is a constant balancing act. Give and take, listen and talk, work and play, pray and sleep, and........... Love. Love. Love. I can learn so much from the pitfalls (ok, and joys) of family dynamics, but sometimes it just seems to eat me alive. Gimme a good book and a cup of chai so I can just disappear, tune out for a little bit, and clear my head.

Happy, Tired, Excited...

Is it really Monday already? Oh my goodness. So much to get done and just like that--another week has gone by. Hmph. I got up super-dooper early this morning to make sure we were all ready to go for the first day back to school. No melt downs on the home front. We were hit on the way to school, in all that first day of school traffic. But what fun is a normal rushing day without a fender bender here and there, eh?

Big bebe has decided that she is NOT a GIRLY GIRL. She is adamant that she is a tomboy. I think she expects me to fight it. Not gonna happen. If she'd rather wear skater shorts and boy sneakers instead of hoochie mama tube tops and skivvies---we've got a deal. I appreciate that she isn't drawn in (yet...knock on wood....) to being popular and new trends. She said she really didn't want to use her purple back pack from last year either. I assumed it was because she just wanted a new one for the new school year. Wrong again mom. She said that actually she didn't need a new one. If I could just buy her the material she could make her own backpack just how she needs it. And really--if she had the time-- she would. She loves sewing and art and making odd pieces of clothing look good together. She's got a knack.

Look at these little lovie faces this morning when I woke them up:

And there was Bitty who we dare not leave out. (I was like this with my stuffed animals when I was little too. Everyone needed to be represented fairly. OCD much?)

Middle bebe's 2nd grade teacher--get this--was MY 2nd grade teacher too. Oh her eyes (the teacher's) got SOOOO WIDE when I walked her into class today. I think I have just aged her. SORRY!

All in all, today was a success. The girls smiled and goofed around appropriately for the first day of school. They came home happy and tired and excited.

There is a bit of anxiousness surrounding escrow and the house and the inspections. I guess that is to be expected. But a little more every day I am feeling the weight of the world lifting off my shoulders. It is a wonderful, welcome, beautiful thing. I too am happy and tired and excited for this next faze.

Personality

This is last year's first day of school picture. I can only HOPE that this year (ahem... tomorrow) goes a little smoother. As sad as this picture is, I still chuckle a little every time I see it. I hope to be able to take a nice picture of them tomorrow without having to threaten them to show their pearly whites and pretend they like each other.

I'd like you to know that Bitty Bebe woke up at 5 this morning. She didn't go back to sleep. Doesn't her little smirky face just look devious??? Like she's laughing at me because she knows she's getting away with something? And she's too darn cute for me to do anything about it.

This is how most of my pictures turn out of her. I'm beginning to think there must be a delay or something set on my camera.....and buh-bye.

The big bebes dressed up Bitty this afternoon. She was a in princess in all her glory. With a very nice jump rope apparently for when she can learn to jump.

Aren't naked babies the best? So clean and not smelly or sticky.

But this one just gets me. Look at the look on each of their faces. This is REALLY how they are all the time. Big bebe very sweet and calm, sometimes feisty, but mostly gentle and caring. Middle bebe is always up to something. ALWAYS. And she always looks guilty as ever. Then to Bitty...HELP who are these crazy people? I love their little personalities. And I wonder how I could have 3 kids who all have such different personalities? Then I realize that they each got a piece of their crazy mama. Oooohhh that's scary.

Escrow

We are officially in escrow!!!!!! Dad reminded me this will be the single BIGGEST purchase of my life. I know. Don't scare the crap outta me. C'mon, let me be EXCITED!!!! The inspections will start tomorrow, and then a couple more next week.

I've been on this automatic email notice from my realtor for about a year now for any houses in the area that go on the market. These usually come in the morning. Yesterday I got one from her in the evening but the subject line said: "This one looks nice...but it's pending." And I'm thinking...then why is she sending it to me? I open the email and it's the listing add and picture for MY new house. And it's PENDING now because I am buying it and we are in ESCROW! Insert super ecstatic picture of me doing the happy dance here...maybe something along the lines of this:

Up and Up

Does this picture give you any indication about how I thought my first day back to work was going to go? Notice the rockstar is a full 32-oz. That'd be triple strength. Mmmmm and that's chai next to it. My favorite. And let me tell you. I needed it. Every ounce.I just want to say that I have friends who are very smart, or very intuitive, or channeling some Nancy Drew skills, or I have it written all over my face, or ALL of the above. For any friends today who said anything to me about knowing my 'secret' you are all spot-on. Congratulations! I couldn't keep this a secret if I tried.

After singing tonight I met my dad for dinner, which is a fun little tradition all of its own. And then I got THE call. Hot diggity dog! My realtor (there's the secret outted for everyone else) was going to come by in a few minutes with good news and some more papers to sign. The offer we put in to purchase a house was accepted! It was countered, but not on any financial aspects, just a few minor details that are fine. Fine fine fine. I don't care just gimme that house. Ok. So I need to be a little more contained than that. That's why it's good to have dad there who wants to analyze every aspect and possibly draw a chart of all plausible options too. Gotta love him. So we sign that we agree. Tomorrow the sellers will acknowledge they received our acceptance. Then it will have the inspections and appraisal, and if we are lucky ducks we'll be in escrow by the end of this week.

Can this really be happening? This DOES seem to indicate that I better start acting like a grown up. With a quickness I suppose. I'm still really a kid at heart. (Who somehow ended up married with three kids, a job, and now maybe a house too!!!) There are many things about this house that are just meant to be. On so many levels. I can't wait to share what those are a little farther down the road.

This year seems to be on the up and up. Thank GOD!!!! After several years of ickiness, there are MANY good things that are enveloping our hearts and lives right now. Hubby is doing amazingly well, both physically and mentally--the first time in MORE than a year. Mama Hen decided she really would like to watch some little ones again, and will be picking my bebes up after school a few days a week to continue sewing club and start tutoring. Oh now THAT is a beautiful thing. And now this, with the possibility of a house to be home, with all the intentions of raising our little family there, and growing old and wrinkly and sitting in rocking chairs on the back deck together. I can't wait...

Bad Mommy

To start, let me just say the exciting news has been delayed, for all involved, until at least late tomorrow. =( I hate waiting.

I am a bad mommy. For shame. First, the tooth fairy forgot to come and take middle bebe's tooth away and leave a treat. Oh she was in tears. My mind has obviously been elsewhere. I ran out of excuses, like maybe the tooth fairy had an upset tummy and didn't want to puke on anyone in the middle of the night. Maybe her wing was injured mid-flight. Maybe she got lost and couldn't find the tooth because middle's bed had so many stuffed animals that night. I am a bad liar. I guess maybe that's a blessing in disguise. Because I don't even bother, except with my kids. And that make it worse. She wrote a note to the tooth fairy asking if everything was all right. The tooth fairy MAGICALLY appeared and left a dollar for each night that the tooth had been there for the taking. All is well....until...

My bebes have this AWFUL loud singing bear thing in a tutu. It's hideous and obnoxious. It sings a Grease song but the batteries are starting to go so half way into it it's very out of tune and painfully loud to hear (no volume control). I despise this bear. I've tried hiding it and hoping they would forget it. No. They went looking, pulled it back out and pushed that stupid button over and over again. Argh. Who in their right mind gives a child a noisy toy? Grandma bought one but it stays at her house. Totally fair. I must have blocked it from memory who gave us this toy. So..... I made a dump run this weekend. While the kids were in the living room watching a movie with hubby, I cleaned out their room. Then I saw the bear. Do I? Don't I? Sure, what the heck. I toss it in there. Hahahaha. I grab the bag of garbage and start to head into the hallway. I hit that bag on the door jam and that bear starts singing (from the garbage bag.) WILL IT NEVER STOP? I duck back into the room and shut the door and wait for that stupid bear to make it thru its entire stupid song. And then I proceed. When we're at the dump, the kids think they see a glimpse of it as I'm throwing it as hard as I can into the dump pit. Oh no. What now? I tell them I don't think it was in there, and we should look for it when we get home. LIAR! Bad Mommy!

I go back to work tomorrow. I am ready, I think. It's been nice to be home with hubby and the bebes, but the time has come. And hubby feels so much better that he will NOT STOP TALKING. I love him and I'm glad he feels better. If he could just shush for a little bit that'd be great.

So with that. Yes. I think I'm ready to go back to work. I really miss my morning routine of chai or coffee and listening to the radio on my way to work. There's been none of that these last 2 weeks. And hopefully being busy at work tomorrow will keep my mind on more productive things than just wondering about the outcome of tomorrow night. Stay tuned.....

Thursdays......

Bitty woke up and barfed all over herself and her crib. And then said "Uh-oh." Cute and gross all at the same time of 6 in the morning.

While I've been home from work this week, we've managed to get the big bebes back on their schedule. Wake up, make bed, set out clothes, take a shower, have breakfast and start the day. They too love routine. And they really do like being helpful. Making a bed is small on the big scale of things, but it's something that gives an almost immediate visual reward of a job well done. I like it and so do they.

Hubby continues to improve by leaps and bounds, though he is hardly actually leaping anywhere. He and I are still SO amazed at the progress he's made. One's state of mind plays a KEY role in the road to recovery.

There is something exciting in our midst. I don't want to blog about it completely right now, as I don't want to jinx it. Trying not to get our hopes up (and I PROMISE I am NOT pregnant--thank you very much) maybe we'll have more to report on Sunday. I'm trying to remember if it's meant to be, and we think about it thoughtfully and prayerfully, and if it is in God's will--it will happen. And my fingers are still crossed for good measure. =)

Dog Gone It!

I come home from church this morning...and you'll NEVER guess what. A DOG "chillin" in my driveway sitting there like he's waiting for me. A DOG. Please read prior posts about the dog world and dog lovers and how there is a conspiracy against me. I'm not joking.

This isn't any old dog. Not only do I not recognize this dog, but it's a PIT BULL. Don't blink. I really wrote PITT BULL. Maybe 150-200lbs. Ok so I tell middle bebe to get out of the car and just pretend she doesn't see the dog. I threaten her to do this so he doesn't take her life. She listens and walks into the house. Then I grab bitty bebe out of the back of the car (not the back, back like the trunk, like the back seat) and swing her onto my hip. Oh now he likes that. He's very interested. He comes right over and sniffs her little feet. Then he opens his mouth...AND... wipes NASTY brown dog SLOBBER all over my pants. GROSS! Now I look at him with a mother type look that says "Shame on you." And to my surprise...the look he returns is "Shame on Me? Gimme a chance, Lady." It was a Doctor Doolittle moment. This is about 1030 this morning.

Around 1pm he's still sitting on our patio looking in the sliding glass door at us. Like he's the step child or something who has been banished outside. Oh the guilt! I walk out there and tried to see if he had a tag on. And he does! And before I get a chance to look at it he's got a stick in his mouth and jumping around like a 3 year old. He wants to play fetch? Really? I like fish. Who just swim, low maintenance, don't smell, don't slobber, don't need to play. I grab the stick and chuck it as far as I can down the driveway. Maybe he'll get lost on his way back. Um, actually no. He comes back and I grab his collar and write down the phone numbers from it. I call the numbers like a good fellow citizen. Do they answer? NO.

Hubby is up and about by this point and goes outside to see for himself. He pokes his head back in, "Hey, so let's say we don't adopt a dog, but the DOG ADOPTS US!?!?!" No. NO NO NO. Hush it. So by 4 pm I still haven't heard back from the owners, I left a voicemail on the cell. I go back out to double check that I copied the numbers down right. Yup. I did. And that dog pushes past me RIGHT INTO MY HOUSE. Oh dear. I run in there tripping over myself and scoop up bitty off the floor. Which he thinks is apparently a game. He jumps up on me and I SWEAR this dog is as tall as I am. What the heck is going on here? Please don't eat my baby. Please don't eat my baby. Bitty laughs now. See--she's in on it too (the conspiracy). Why is she egging him on?

Once I shoosh him back outside, I call the numbers again. Still no answer. Should I call SPCA? I don't want to be mean. I just want to help. Oh crap. What if I call SPCA and they come take the dog, and THEN the owners call and in my message to them I already told them my name and where we live. Oh crap. Now they can come kill me. Ok calm down. Breathe. Think this through.

I wait until 6, and he's whining on the patio through the screen door. I bring him water. I mean he's been here since 1030. He needs water, right? I finally give in and call SPCA. They don't want to hear from me. They are not helpful. They do suggest that I could load the dog into my car and bring him down there if I really needed to. WHAT!?!?! Don't they deal with animals on an every day basis? Don't they know that is a ridiculous solution? He could have me for lunch in the close proximity. I suggest that perhaps if someone calls in for a missing dog, I could leave my name and contact information. No, they are not interested in that either. 20 minutes and no useful information.

It's now 8pm and he's still here. How do you tell a house (patio) guest to leave when they aren't human? I don't speak dog. In a moment of clarity before it got dark I tried to snap a few pictures of the dog in case we needed to post 'FOUND' signs later. Don't you know that dog squats down and takes a crap the VERY second I take a picture. For the sake of family I have cropped the picture in so you don't have to see that. But I think the look on his face says it all.

Home Again

Oh and by the skin of our teeth we are home again. It's a little sooner than expected, but hubby is better and better every day. Last night, however, Senor Migraine wouldn't shut up and I ended up at the ER. That's such poor timing. (Dad said he thinks my migraine while hubby is in the hospital, is the equivalent to his heart attack in while mom was in ICU. Our minds and bodies can only take so much...and then we cave.) Speaking of which, has anyone else heard that new song on country radio "Johnny and June?" It brought tears to my eyes. I think hubby and I have found a new theme song.

I never want to be sick or injured. The claustrophobia and anxiety in the ER just about did me in. Again, daddy was there, so I needn't worry. One IV bag and a push of meds and I was back on my feet for the most part.

I had plans of sleeping as long as I could today to help clear my head. I did sleep for a while and then got the call from hubby that they were ready to release him. Which is great. Don't get me wrong. Just sooner than I anticipated. He is doing so well, he's up and walking about with a cane not a walker. At this stage in the game last surgery he wasn't even able to get out of bed yet. I'm so pleased. And the look behind his eyes has changed from fear and worry to those of hope and happiness.

Thanks again to all those faithful friends and family who have continued with prayers, well wishes, visits, emails, phone calls, texts, etc. We are so thankful for everything. And tired too. So now I'm off to night-nights.

Post-op Day #2

Hubby is doing very well. He was up for several walks today. His best buddy came to visit for the day too and that was fun. Looks like they may be releasing him on Friday or Saturday. They are in the process of switching him from IV pain meds to oral and patch pain meds. It takes a little adjusting but the Stanford Pain Clinic docs are still stopping by several times a day to check in. The nurses are WONDERFUL and kind and caring. And they didn't make fun of hubby when he paged the nurse on the intercom and said "I'm out of go-go juice." They knew he meant pain meds and didn't skip a beat. He also enjoyed pushing ALL the buttons on his hospital bed to see what position he could get it into. It seriously looked like a bed with hydraulics. Funny.

So with my peace of mind about hubby and all the stress I've kept carefully hidden away, it's starting to find its way out in the form of a migraine. I should have known. This is the usual cycle though. I can get through any stressful event just fine, and as soon as it's OK, the migraine hits.
I came home to the motel early and took my meds. Not sure I caught it in time. I had a bite of chocolate thinking the caffeine might help. Turns out this may turn into a barfy kind of migraine. That, and I think they sprayed for ants in this room so the smell of Raid is about to show me what I ate for lunch.

Speaking of lunch....and not in a gross way. I am a creature of habit. I like patterns, and routine. I didn't realize it was SO prevalent in my every day life, until today for the 3rd day in a row, I went to the Stanford cafeteria and got a grilled cheese, orange juice and butterfinger icecream bar. I know it's not healthy. But..... oh I don't know. I think I need to put a little placard on my lunch tray too that says "Leave me alone. It's comfort food."

Post-op Day #1

Already I can say that hubby's recovery is going far more smoothly than the last surgery. He was able to get up for a walk today (using the IV pole as a walker) and took a nice little stroll with his dad. I think last time he wasn't up until day 5. He's still in a great deal of pain, but the Stanford Pain Clinic docs have been asked to participate with his in-patient care and we are so thankful. The big bebes came to see daddy today. I know they've been scared too, especially with both of us away. So they got to see him and hug him and kiss him and they left perfectly happy and giggly. There are still some tense moments, but I think we're going to be ok. Having my dad here too has been so great. He knows his way around Stanford and the local roads and towns. It's so comforting to just be able to turn my brain to idle and just follow him to where ever our next destination is. He can do all the thinking for me for that stuff. He also bought me a fan for my motel room which makes just enough white noise to block out the outside noise. Yay for sleep. May the healing continue!

Surgery Day

I'm in before midnight. That's a good start. So here's the low-down. The surgery started late and hubby was super SUPER stressed. But his surgeon came and talked to him and that was very nice and reassuring. Surgery ended up being about 4 hours long. When his surgeon came out to give me the update he told me to sit, which is never good thing. He said that it went fine, but they had to go with plan B. Once they got in there, they found that the previous MRSA infection had caused so much damage and so much scar tissue that he couldn't get in there to remove the old cadaver bone (which was acting as a disc.) He also found that the screws in his back were loose which would explain why hubby thought his back was shifting. He was able to maneuver enough to take the pressure of the nerve from the spur. Take out the old hardware, put cadaver bones along both sides of the previous fusion and put new hardware (4 BIG screws) in a slightly different angle to anchor it all down. They treated the new cadaver bone with biomorphic protein first. Not totally sure what that is or what it does, but it sounds high-tech and fancy and very healing. Hubby was able to recover in the recovery unit and not in ICU, so that is good too.

Hubby is now in a room and adjusting to life with a new back. Pain meds are good, and he's still pretty sedated. He did wake up enough to look down and see he had a catheter in. He's not too happy about that. Oh well. I think it's kind of handy 'cause it keeps him tethered to the bed, so he can't go wandering off getting into trouble. I wonder if he'll think I'm funny when he's well enough to read this blog?

I'm kind of hoping that they keep him a couple days longer than expected. I have a room at a motel close to the hospital. It's run by a very nice family, but the rooms are kind of....small and dirty and dorm like. It will totally work. But I'm just hoping that if he NEEDS to stay a day or two longer than expected, then I might NEED to stay at a much nicer hotel...that has room service and air conditioning and doors on the closets.

Also--just so you know, the walls here are paper thin. I know I aimed to be close to the hospital, but every time a helicopter lands there it shakes this place and sounds like they are coming in for a landing on my roof. Ohhh and what's that? A train, again? So soon? Seems they come by AND honk their horns every 5 minutes. Oh my goodness. I was so looking forward to a good night's sleep without restless hubby and without crying babies, or girls that insist on just one more sip of water.

Ok, so back to the real story. Thanks for all the prayers and phone calls, texts and emails. We definitely FEEL the love. I am so thankful that his doctor was able to take things in stride and put him back together. May the healing begin!

Last Horah!

As the last horah before surgery, hubby took the kids camping. What a trooper. Totally not my cup of tea, but he was all for it. Borrowed his mom's 5th wheel and got a spot right by the beach. I think they were there 4 nights. I stayed one night as a token gesture. They had so much fun. They went fishing, and built sand castles, rode their scooters, and got sand in all their 2000 parts. I thought I had all the sand off bitty baby when they came home yesterday. AND THEN she pooped and she pooped sand. EWWWW!!! That can only mean one thing.

We also went to the Boardwalk one of those nights. I haven't been there for so long. My bebes have been , but with other family members. This time I got to experience it through their eyes and it was SO fun. Oh to be a kid again...



Hubby and I went to dinner tonight to celebrate our anniversary. Oh it was so nice and quiet and calm and peaceful. Very nice ambiance and yummy food. (When I started blogging I swore off posting pics of myself or hubby, but I think I'm over that now. At least for right now. So until I change my mind, enjoy the pics...)
Hubby has needed to be BUSY in the time before surgery. There was some lag time yesterday and during that time, his mind began to wander, and worry, and create itself a most unpleasant panic attack. And the worst is when it's no longer anxiety about something that has happened, or something upcoming...it's when you get anxiety about having another panic attack. Oh it's just bad news.

I think if we could, we'd have the surgery right now. Let's be done already. The waiting game is not fun anymore. And this little family is ready to have their husband and daddy back, without pain and without fear.