Friday, December 31, 2010

2010 Review in Pictures... from my cell phone =D

(Pictures from Xmas 2010 including matching family hoodie-footie pajamas, and my birthday will be posted later.... felt the need to wrap up the rest of the year first. )

Sunday, December 19, 2010


I have a headache, and Lil Miss Bitty spilled her soup. No big deal. Really. We work together to clean up the big chunks, and then I ask her to get a kitchen towel to sop up the extra juice.

I took this pic when she added about the 30th kitchen towel:
I simply told her that 30 was plenty, and really it was a small spill of soup, so this should be fine. Good Job.

No. She shook her little 3 year old finger at me, climbed on top of her new kitchen towel sopping up soup tower and told me, "Your attitude is unacceptable, Mama. Please don't talk back to me like that ever again. "
She's climbed down now, has run out of kitchen towels, and started in on the wash cloths.
I appreciate your dedication to cleanliness, really I do. Now just stop. Please.

Sunday, December 12, 2010


Let's just get right to it. Christmas is going to break my heart this year. There's no way around it.

I cannot call it off. I have little ones who are eager in anticipation of a Christmas tree, yummy treats, opening gifts, and 2 weeks off from school. I think I have worn out the 'my house is being worked on' excuse of not getting into to Christmas spirit yet. I can get a Christmas tree. I can get the boxes out of the garage. But I am stalling. I don't want to do this. Not ANY.LITLLE.STINKING part of this.

I just don't want to do Christmas without James. My mom died in October 2006, and since the Christmas following her death, James was my rock to get me through this season... both Christmas and my birthday. He was REALLY good at running interference for me. I miss that. I miss that protection. I miss having someone by my side who knew what I couldn't say.

Nat came home from school on Friday in tears. She said some friends were talking about their dads, and she's glad for them, but it just made her miss her daddy, and she she couldn't help but start crying. She said she wanted to tell them she was just sad (sad for herself, NOT mad at them for talking about their daddies), but she couldn't get the words out. And then said she thought better of it. She didn't want to tell them, 'cause she didn't want anyone to ever feel as sad as she does.

And so... we talk about daddy and missing him. And we both cry. I tell her that I know how she feels. Some friends will want to know ALL the good AND the bad AND the sad too. Those friends will reveal themselves to you, and when they do, they are friends for life, no matter the distance or time. And they will come. They will come when you need them. They will call when they know you need it, even if you didn't know you needed it yourself. You'll know it the second you hear their voice. They will come in spirit. They will come in love, in any capacity.

I talk boldly to my children. And pray that the hope and strength I try to live by and show them, will be enough to pull me through too...

What in the world am I supposed to do with James' Christmas stocking this year? I realize to everyone else, that small detail may seem ...well... minor. But it's not. Not to me. Do I hang it or not? If I hang it, what do I do with it come Christmas morning? Just let it sit empty? That may actually be too much for me to handle. Do I bring his stocking to his grave? Do I leave it there? WHAT the heck do I do with it? I have lots of scenarios, and NONE of them seem right.

But then... NOTHING seems right, no matter what I do.

And I suppose, that's what I just need to accept. There is no graceful way to get through Christmas when I don't want anything to do with it to start with. There's also no way to get through the next few weeks without feeling the pain. I wish there was a way to just skip this part. I'm tired a lot. Or so I thought. But really... I think I just need time to escape. I need to NOT feel.

I will get a tree.
I will get the boxes from the garage.
I will decorate.
I will put on a happy face at any glimmer of peace.

Then I will bow my head. I will do this. I can get through this.

Until then I will come up for air only long enough to ask God if this is over yet.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

In No Particular Order:

* My kitchen and bathrooms are under construction, which would normally drive me BATTY. But I am thoroughly enjoying not having to host any dang Thanksgiving or Christmas festivities. It's my free pass :)

*James' headstone has been delivered and set at the cemetery. It's beautiful.

*Edited and formatted and ordered this year's Christmas card

*Am sick. And channeling a voice a la Barry White. Just not as sexy. Or sexy at all.

*Dad is still home and doing well. No scheduled date for lung surgery yet. May still happen before the end of the year.

*Nat wanted to know what "Save a horse. Ride a cowboy." means?

*She also thought that another song's lyrics were: "Don't rock the juice box..." :)

*Ran into an old (local) friend the other day. It was a hard day starting out. And then the conversation went like this:
G: Meg! How are you? Long time no see. I hear your dad's ill
Me: Yes, but home now and recovering ok. Gearing up for lung surgery, and then hopefully out of the surgery world for a loooong time.
G:That's good to hear! We'll be praying. How are other things?
Me: Busy busy busy. Kids keep me busy and mildly insane
G: How are they? I bet they are big! Hey, I haven't seen James around for a while. What's he up to these days?
Me: :(

*Now know all the ins and outs of Bear Creek road to Zayante, Stanford, and Home Depot

*Almost done Christmas shopping

*Putting off decorating and tree-getting until much later. I am not feeling very Christmasy this year. And have a bit of anxiety anticipating all of it.

*Emi love pie has been dropping the F bomb at the most inopportune times

*Went to a ladies night for the fire fighter's wives. It was REALLY fun. And I'm REALLY glad I had Alicia there by my side. I made a b-line for the bar when they started introductions about who they 'belonged' to. I realize I could have stood up and said anything. But no matter what I would have said, would have produced massive tears, and snot, and sobbing. So I didn't.

*Remain TOTALLY addicted to Starbucks chai

*Which is usually the highlight of my day. Even if they are paid to be extra nice to me. It's ok cause they ARE nice, and they don't have a clue who I am. And I love that.

*Found the most amazing thing to do with the first pair of James' boots.

* :)