Sunday, August 31, 2008
Although in true Meg fashion must show you all the first set of pics I took. I was still figuring out the lighting and speed and zooming, etc...failed to notice Bitty was having a bit of an issue. Ha! But I got in on camera. Way to go Meg!
Then the bebes and I went outside and had SO much fun on a lovely, warm, summer afternoon. It was a magical feeling with my perfect (to me) little girls galloping around the field and laughing and smiling. Love is in the air. My cup runeth over:
I haven't felt a peace like this in so long.
The world in spinning around me and I know well that hearts are heavy of loved ones, and others are bracing for yet another storm. Where I have been selfish about my own problems before, I can now open my eyes and give my prayers and love and dedication to something beyond me. Lead me Lord and I will follow.
Something is stirring in this soul of mine.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
1 also dy·nam·i·cal \-mi-kəl\
a: of or relating to physical force or energy
b: of or relating to dynamics
2 a: marked by usually continuous and productive activity or change
b: energetic, forceful
3 of random-access memory : requiring periodic refreshment of charge in order to retain data— dy·nam·i·cal·ly \-mi-k(ə-)lē\ adverb. Courtesy of:
Then I typed "family dynamic relationships" and found this lovely link:
I admittedly did not link to each of the suggested how-tos, but found just the titles of each very entertaining.
This leads me to: What in the world is wrong with people? Myself completely included. I should have paid more attention in my college psych class. Instead now I make up for it by people watching and being completely blindsided by my own family's dynamic. There's different waves of this family. Dad are I are the remaining middle. Hubby and the bebes are the next emerging middle, in-laws, cousins, and such are each out a little farther on these ripples.
Why do people lash out at the ones they love when they are hurt, or stressed or confused? Shouldn't family (including God) be the first ones we run to for shelter and comfort? I know many are of the thought that if there's anger, even if it's not caused or perceived to be from the family or loved ones, we are more likely to be harsh and hurtful with these very people because they are our "safe" place to be angry. We know they'll still love us anyway. I get it, to an extent, but I don't like it. It's seems backwards.
Where is the fine line between being challenged to think about something differently, and feeling like your space has been invaded? It's not even a good vs. evil kind of thing because that would be too easy. There can be many options, many of which are ALL fine. It's when there isn't clearly a right or wrong answer that I get thrown off. I want it to be THIS way. You want it to be THAT way. Both are plausible and ethical and supported. But this decision effects ME directly and therefore in the end I want it to be THIS way.
How do we carefully and lovingly accept care, concern, and worry, and then say we're still not going to do it your way? I'm still going to do this THIS way. Thank you for your input and time, please don't hate me because you still haven't changed my mind, and I DO appreciate that you care, so let's not waste any more time on this. Want to go out for pizza? There's got to be a more tactful way of addressing these things.
This family dynamic thing is a constant balancing act. Give and take, listen and talk, work and play, pray and sleep, and........... Love. Love. Love. I can learn so much from the pitfalls (ok, and joys) of family dynamics, but sometimes it just seems to eat me alive. Gimme a good book and a cup of chai so I can just disappear, tune out for a little bit, and clear my head.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Big bebe has decided that she is NOT a GIRLY GIRL. She is adamant that she is a tomboy. I think she expects me to fight it. Not gonna happen. If she'd rather wear skater shorts and boy sneakers instead of hoochie mama tube tops and skivvies---we've got a deal. I appreciate that she isn't drawn in (yet...knock on wood....) to being popular and new trends. She said she really didn't want to use her purple back pack from last year either. I assumed it was because she just wanted a new one for the new school year. Wrong again mom. She said that actually she didn't need a new one. If I could just buy her the material she could make her own backpack just how she needs it. And really--if she had the time-- she would. She loves sewing and art and making odd pieces of clothing look good together. She's got a knack.
Look at these little lovie faces this morning when I woke them up:
And there was Bitty who we dare not leave out. (I was like this with my stuffed animals when I was little too. Everyone needed to be represented fairly. OCD much?)
Middle bebe's 2nd grade teacher--get this--was MY 2nd grade teacher too. Oh her eyes (the teacher's) got SOOOO WIDE when I walked her into class today. I think I have just aged her. SORRY!
All in all, today was a success. The girls smiled and goofed around appropriately for the first day of school. They came home happy and tired and excited.
There is a bit of anxiousness surrounding escrow and the house and the inspections. I guess that is to be expected. But a little more every day I am feeling the weight of the world lifting off my shoulders. It is a wonderful, welcome, beautiful thing. I too am happy and tired and excited for this next faze.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
The big bebes dressed up Bitty this afternoon. She was a in princess in all her glory. With a very nice jump rope apparently for when she can learn to jump.
Aren't naked babies the best? So clean and not smelly or sticky.
But this one just gets me. Look at the look on each of their faces. This is REALLY how they are all the time. Big bebe very sweet and calm, sometimes feisty, but mostly gentle and caring. Middle bebe is always up to something. ALWAYS. And she always looks guilty as ever. Then to Bitty...HELP who are these crazy people? I love their little personalities. And I wonder how I could have 3 kids who all have such different personalities? Then I realize that they each got a piece of their crazy mama. Oooohhh that's scary.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
Sunday, August 17, 2008
I am a bad mommy. For shame. First, the tooth fairy forgot to come and take middle bebe's tooth away and leave a treat. Oh she was in tears. My mind has obviously been elsewhere. I ran out of excuses, like maybe the tooth fairy had an upset tummy and didn't want to puke on anyone in the middle of the night. Maybe her wing was injured mid-flight. Maybe she got lost and couldn't find the tooth because middle's bed had so many stuffed animals that night. I am a bad liar. I guess maybe that's a blessing in disguise. Because I don't even bother, except with my kids. And that make it worse. She wrote a note to the tooth fairy asking if everything was all right. The tooth fairy MAGICALLY appeared and left a dollar for each night that the tooth had been there for the taking. All is well....until...
My bebes have this AWFUL loud singing bear thing in a tutu. It's hideous and obnoxious. It sings a Grease song but the batteries are starting to go so half way into it it's very out of tune and painfully loud to hear (no volume control). I despise this bear. I've tried hiding it and hoping they would forget it. No. They went looking, pulled it back out and pushed that stupid button over and over again. Argh. Who in their right mind gives a child a noisy toy? Grandma bought one but it stays at her house. Totally fair. I must have blocked it from memory who gave us this toy. So..... I made a dump run this weekend. While the kids were in the living room watching a movie with hubby, I cleaned out their room. Then I saw the bear. Do I? Don't I? Sure, what the heck. I toss it in there. Hahahaha. I grab the bag of garbage and start to head into the hallway. I hit that bag on the door jam and that bear starts singing (from the garbage bag.) WILL IT NEVER STOP? I duck back into the room and shut the door and wait for that stupid bear to make it thru its entire stupid song. And then I proceed. When we're at the dump, the kids think they see a glimpse of it as I'm throwing it as hard as I can into the dump pit. Oh no. What now? I tell them I don't think it was in there, and we should look for it when we get home. LIAR! Bad Mommy!
I go back to work tomorrow. I am ready, I think. It's been nice to be home with hubby and the bebes, but the time has come. And hubby feels so much better that he will NOT STOP TALKING. I love him and I'm glad he feels better. If he could just shush for a little bit that'd be great.
So with that. Yes. I think I'm ready to go back to work. I really miss my morning routine of chai or coffee and listening to the radio on my way to work. There's been none of that these last 2 weeks. And hopefully being busy at work tomorrow will keep my mind on more productive things than just wondering about the outcome of tomorrow night. Stay tuned.....
Thursday, August 14, 2008
While I've been home from work this week, we've managed to get the big bebes back on their schedule. Wake up, make bed, set out clothes, take a shower, have breakfast and start the day. They too love routine. And they really do like being helpful. Making a bed is small on the big scale of things, but it's something that gives an almost immediate visual reward of a job well done. I like it and so do they.
Hubby continues to improve by leaps and bounds, though he is hardly actually leaping anywhere. He and I are still SO amazed at the progress he's made. One's state of mind plays a KEY role in the road to recovery.
There is something exciting in our midst. I don't want to blog about it completely right now, as I don't want to jinx it. Trying not to get our hopes up (and I PROMISE I am NOT pregnant--thank you very much) maybe we'll have more to report on Sunday. I'm trying to remember if it's meant to be, and we think about it thoughtfully and prayerfully, and if it is in God's will--it will happen. And my fingers are still crossed for good measure. =)
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Thursday, August 7, 2008
I never want to be sick or injured. The claustrophobia and anxiety in the ER just about did me in. Again, daddy was there, so I needn't worry. One IV bag and a push of meds and I was back on my feet for the most part.
I had plans of sleeping as long as I could today to help clear my head. I did sleep for a while and then got the call from hubby that they were ready to release him. Which is great. Don't get me wrong. Just sooner than I anticipated. He is doing so well, he's up and walking about with a cane not a walker. At this stage in the game last surgery he wasn't even able to get out of bed yet. I'm so pleased. And the look behind his eyes has changed from fear and worry to those of hope and happiness.
Thanks again to all those faithful friends and family who have continued with prayers, well wishes, visits, emails, phone calls, texts, etc. We are so thankful for everything. And tired too. So now I'm off to night-nights.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
So with my peace of mind about hubby and all the stress I've kept carefully hidden away, it's starting to find its way out in the form of a migraine. I should have known. This is the usual cycle though. I can get through any stressful event just fine, and as soon as it's OK, the migraine hits.
I came home to the motel early and took my meds. Not sure I caught it in time. I had a bite of chocolate thinking the caffeine might help. Turns out this may turn into a barfy kind of migraine. That, and I think they sprayed for ants in this room so the smell of Raid is about to show me what I ate for lunch.
Speaking of lunch....and not in a gross way. I am a creature of habit. I like patterns, and routine. I didn't realize it was SO prevalent in my every day life, until today for the 3rd day in a row, I went to the Stanford cafeteria and got a grilled cheese, orange juice and butterfinger icecream bar. I know it's not healthy. But..... oh I don't know. I think I need to put a little placard on my lunch tray too that says "Leave me alone. It's comfort food."
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Monday, August 4, 2008
Hubby is now in a room and adjusting to life with a new back. Pain meds are good, and he's still pretty sedated. He did wake up enough to look down and see he had a catheter in. He's not too happy about that. Oh well. I think it's kind of handy 'cause it keeps him tethered to the bed, so he can't go wandering off getting into trouble. I wonder if he'll think I'm funny when he's well enough to read this blog?
I'm kind of hoping that they keep him a couple days longer than expected. I have a room at a motel close to the hospital. It's run by a very nice family, but the rooms are kind of....small and dirty and dorm like. It will totally work. But I'm just hoping that if he NEEDS to stay a day or two longer than expected, then I might NEED to stay at a much nicer hotel...that has room service and air conditioning and doors on the closets.
Also--just so you know, the walls here are paper thin. I know I aimed to be close to the hospital, but every time a helicopter lands there it shakes this place and sounds like they are coming in for a landing on my roof. Ohhh and what's that? A train, again? So soon? Seems they come by AND honk their horns every 5 minutes. Oh my goodness. I was so looking forward to a good night's sleep without restless hubby and without crying babies, or girls that insist on just one more sip of water.
Ok, so back to the real story. Thanks for all the prayers and phone calls, texts and emails. We definitely FEEL the love. I am so thankful that his doctor was able to take things in stride and put him back together. May the healing begin!
Saturday, August 2, 2008
We also went to the Boardwalk one of those nights. I haven't been there for so long. My bebes have been , but with other family members. This time I got to experience it through their eyes and it was SO fun. Oh to be a kid again...
Hubby and I went to dinner tonight to celebrate our anniversary. Oh it was so nice and quiet and calm and peaceful. Very nice ambiance and yummy food. (When I started blogging I swore off posting pics of myself or hubby, but I think I'm over that now. At least for right now. So until I change my mind, enjoy the pics...)
Hubby has needed to be BUSY in the time before surgery. There was some lag time yesterday and during that time, his mind began to wander, and worry, and create itself a most unpleasant panic attack. And the worst is when it's no longer anxiety about something that has happened, or something upcoming...it's when you get anxiety about having another panic attack. Oh it's just bad news.
I think if we could, we'd have the surgery right now. Let's be done already. The waiting game is not fun anymore. And this little family is ready to have their husband and daddy back, without pain and without fear.