Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Day #2

Give and Take

I think I like to think of things as always being one side of the balance or other, because in my head that makes it purposeful. No matter what it is. Purpose does not equal justification tho.

Teach kids to walk and talk…. And then you are never alone in the bathroom again
Be an only, lonely child.... be raised in a daycare with 7 'brothers and sisters' and an abundance of playmates
Figure out high school is just a game...pass with flying colors
Love your spouse's occupation... it eats his soul alive
Be in healthcare...fail to get anyone to see my husband is dying
Marry your high school sweetheart… he dies at 30
Drop out of college... get a great job (and feel like a fraud)
Have a voice... don't let anyone know it
Buy a new car.... can't pay the gas bills
Grow up with parents who don't allow ANY sugar... absolutely phene sugar as an adult
Buy an ugly economic car too small for fam.... have enough money for bills
LOVE your gay 'work husband' to pieces... worry constantly what the church will think
Leave the church... they don't care that you left, you were never really noticed to begin with
Grow up with both parents... mom dies young (just kidding you still only get one parent)
Marry a new man.... gain a new mom
Hate dogs..... get 2 dogs
Don't eat... gain weight
Grow up playing soccer.... dad says to pick 1 game a season and he'll attend that one, but no more
Work with Alzheimer's patients.... realize you aren't helping anything to get better, each day will be worse
Potty train your 2 year old, Alzheimer's patient now needs diapers
Have parents mostly proud of grades and stuff.... get knocked up at 18
Have extended family FINALLY move close (w/in 20 miles)... NOT see them for more than a year...awkward!
Try to do the right thing and think about the baby...be told you are an embarrassment to the family and I should go into hiding
High school sweetheart dies after heartbreaking struggle.... find new, peaceful, levelheaded, adoring man a year later
Take 16 year old daughter out prom dress shopping on 16th bday... have her lose her shizz in a violent attack just hours later
16 year old's violent attack on mom.... mom must still buck up and LOVE the child.
Live in Santa Cruz.... haven't ever seen most of the attractions in Santa Cruz
Go to put up a new fence.... find a TREE across the road!
But really I could go on all day.

I have some major issues that I need to work thru. They say (and I even say) that everyone could really use a therapist, it doesn't matter who you are. It's just good for every body to be able to reflect and talk things thru with an unbiased, safe, confidant. I have benefited GREATLY from therapy, especially the sessions I had as a child, and then the ones I had the year prior to and the year after James' death. I have tried several times recently, and the common theme back from the therapists is: "Wow! What a story! Sounds like you are doing pretty well. I don't think we really need to meet very often, sounds like you've got this pretty under control." Oh for fucks sake!!!! I'm not here because I like paying my copay! When I unpack my crap do I make it sound all pretty and tidy? Am I relaying my concerns appropriately? Am I scaring them away? Do I have them fooled? Do I have too much baggage that it's not worth it for them?

I NEED to get thru these issues. I feel abandoned, now, without my mom. It will be NINE years this October. Aaccckkkkkk. When she was dying I felt IN the moment, embracing it for everything it was, being present, open, accepting. When she died there was relief for me; she was no longer in the torturous pain and agony that had plagued her body. I feel in my heart like I am ok and at peace with losing James. He too, such much pain, there was no coming back, there was no getting better. BUT then I see a picture of him, or I remember something specific, and I either feel incredible loss (good memories) or anger (for everything he put us through.) I think I'm over the childhood traumas, but they creep up in the most destructive, intrusive ways. I think I'm over the bully from high school and middle school, and then she friends me on FB? Is she a nicer person now? Is she just trying to see what my life turned out like? Why so much uncertainty? Every day I go to work and feel SO blessed to be there. But I cannot shake the feeling that I am an imposter. I do not have the college degree, and I am constantly reminded that I should have not dropped out. I should have tried harder. I should have gone back. I should have not gotten pregnant in the first place. I want to believe that everything happens for a reason, but when I am going thru old boxes and find the letters from family when I was pregnant so young, they are SO hurtful, SO cutting, SO divisive. So every step I take NOW, more than 16 years later I have to move strategically. How can I show THEM that they are wrong, that I am better than what they think? How can I show my children that I have their best interests in mind and care for them like they weren't raised by a young, inept, ill prepared mom. I wish LOVE could win it all.

I wish LOVE could win the war. I have a lot of love in this heart. I would like it to seep out my pores and erase all the pain, the confusion and judgment, mine and yours.

Monday, June 29, 2015

40 days of Vulnerability

Preface: I think I keep a lot in. I think I speak up when needed. I think I struggle, privately. I think I fail at many things, and while that is OK, I have a hard time with it. I carry grief on my shoulders that eats away at my soul. I think sometimes my friendships are eroding and I don't know what to do. I get up every morning and start off intentional about my actions, reactions. By the end of the day I am done; there is not much left. I miss certain comforts. I think I'm missing my kids growing up. In an effort to regain a little perspective on where I am, and who I might be, I hope to blog for 40 days about everything beyond the surface.

Day #1
I am learning that parenting is one of the most rewarding, sacrificial, heart breaking thing I could ever do. It is A LOT of work, and currently, little return. It IS HARD to constantly be loving, caring, supportive and nice to people who do not believe that my intentions are true, who do not believe that I would go to the ends of the earth for them, who think I spend too much time not bowing to their every request, who are mean and hateful at times, and say to my face: "I told so-and-so that you were mean, and they agreed!" Most nights I crawl into bed and am defeated. I will try to do better tomorrow, I tell myself. My mind is at war with itself as I try to determine IF there is anything I could have done differently, more carefully. Or, is it true that I did my best and it simply will.not.be.good.enough. Could I just be loved a little bit? By the little beings who look like me?

I left my church several months ago, which means no more singing. This was a painful decision. But, it was not right to stay just to sing. I love a very BIG God, who is merciful, and beautiful, and extends grace and mercy to the very least of us. I was not in a place that (I felt) was rising to the occasion to love, show love, show light, or, listen to its members. I am at a new church which I have attending off and on over the last 7 or 8 years. It is becoming home. I volunteered to do a few things, and ultimately landed in a spot on Sundays that I like, and I feel is helpful and a use of my talents. I also, on a wild whim of a restless night, began the application process to sing with the musical worship team. It's a loooooooooong process, vetting my beliefs, my actions, my mentors, my dedication, everything. Oh yes, and my singing. At long last, YES you are good enough. Good job. We will be in touch soon to get you in the rotation. Haven't heard back since. It's been well over 2 months. So, I wait. Sure I could speak up, and I might. For now I land steady on uncertainty of who I am, did they re-think my participation? Or, am I just forgotten? That's cool. THAT is the story of my life. So, I just truck on, sign up for my other duty on Sunday, with a smile, and sing and learn from my perch.

I think I am girl who lost herself in the shuffle of life. I tie it all up in a package and present it to the world with determination and hope. But, I don't know how determined or hopeful a heart full of chaos, doubt, and worry can be. By the end of the day all the strings keeping me together have fallen untied, worn and frayed.