Friday, May 30, 2008

Sweater Story and a Question

The Migraine has surrendered! This one took an entire week to run its course. I feel good. Not just ok. I actually feel good today. And I breathe a deep sigh of relief......ahhhhhh....

Today did hit a rough patch, but I took it in stride: stood my ground, said my piece, didn't let it get to me, and raised my left eyebrow a little at the end and thought... Ah ha! Crisis averted.

Still keeping with the silliness of the last several days though, is another nice little ditty you might enjoy. I had 2 BIG meetings today. They went fine. I felt confident, asked questions, gave answers. All was good, and I felt good, couldn't complain. Picked 2 of the bebes up from school after that later in the afternoon. The middle bebe climbed in the front seat, gave me a kiss and scooted on back to the back seat. The big bebe then climbed into the front seat and buckled in. Then middle bebe says, "Mama, how come your sweater is inside out?" REALLY!?!?!?! Umm, Shoot! Yes, totally. I made it through the day with my sweater on inside out. Who does that? Was my tag sticking out? Yes. Were the seams totally noticeable? Yes. Completely. Ha! Why does no one say anything? Special. I am special special special.

So now here's the question part. Not really related to the previous bit, just a little. So when a body has a fever, it's because the body is fighting a bug, a germ, an infection--something foreign that should not be there. Similarly, if one get a splinter, the body will try to expel it. Also same with food poisoning. The body will reject the bad food and try to rid itself of it. Each of these also involves pain or discomfort while the body tries to make things right. So---here's the question. If we can compare the migraine to these, then what is the body trying to overcome or get rid of? And also what is the migraine's purpose? Hmmmm...ponder that and let me know what you think. =) Happy Friday.

Thursday, May 29, 2008


The delirious-ness of life has been high-jacked by silliness. I think my level of insanity now finds me laughing (so hard it hurts) at stupid silly things. So far it's working for me though. Let's re-cap the last 24 hours, shall we?

  • Left work a little early yesterday: needed gas, a car wash, medicine, and to pick my kids up on time. One and half out of 4 isn't bad. Sticker shock at the gas pump almost killed me, so I only got 5 gallons. Thought I'd look for a better deal, and then get my car washed too, since I couldn't really see out the front windshield. Found a better deal, but then randomly decided 5 gallons would last another day or 2. But DID proceed to the car wash at this new gas station. DID NOT remember that I couldn't pay for the car wash AT the car wash, it needed to be paid ahead of time at the pump. Found this out after waiting behind 4 cars in line. I then yelled at the attendant lady thru the crappy intercom. I don't think that was very effective. I then drove THROUGH the car wash without getting my car washed. Waited in the drive-thru at Walgreens for 20 minutes, and had to ask the driver behind me to please (yes I did use my manners this time) move so I could back out and go get my kids on time. So..... 5 gallons of gas, no car wash, no meds, but did get the kids. And this was all funny to me some how.

  • Went to MHWG last night. Little bebe cruised around and checked out all the ladies' toes. She prefers the painted ones it seems, and especially fancies the 'princess pedicures' that include the sparkles. And she likes to try and taste them. Yummy.

  • Had some paperwork come across my desk today that read: "To whom thinks that this is any of their business...." and I about fell off my chair laughing. It was signed "very seriously, ....."

  • The phone rang tonight and I could see on caller ID that it was Hubby's best friend. I also knew it was his birthday. So I answered it "happy birthday." And he chuckled and said, "oh well thank you, and happy birthday to you too." And I said,"no, it doesn't really work that way." We both got a good laugh out of that.

  • Was in the middle of an IM chat with one of my favorites earlier today. I think we were chatting about the salad I had for lunch. Then out of no where she posts a one-liner that makes no sense, is totally out of context, and um...well...a little racy to be honest. It stopped me cold. I'm looking at it, trying to understand. And then I typed to her "did you just type your password....on the wrong screen?"........................ and the reply..... "yes, OMG how embarrassing!" I could not stop laughing, still can't actually. =)

So all this silliness is good of course. But I can't help but wonder if this is another calm before the storm kinda thing? No thanks on that. I'm trying to focus on the positive. I think today that I have (at least for the day) made it out of the rut and into the river. I like it. I like it even if I'm in the river with big GIANT floaties on my arms that make me feel safe and a life preserver too. And then that leads to the next step..... (the title of a book, actually) If You Want To Walk On Water You Have To Get Out of the Boat. That scares me when I know what the next step is, because that means I'm in the driver's seat, I'm responsible and I know it. I know what it takes to make the next step. But am I up for the challenge?

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Gimme a River

This is post-full-blown-migraine day #4. I felt just enough normal that I made it to work. Yay. And then it came back. I was at a breaking point. I was either going to break it, or it was going to break me. Stupid stupid migraines make me mean and put me in a p*ss-poor mood. =( That's not nice, and I know it. Thank God for my saint of a chiropractor who fit me in last minute. I think we may have put it out to bay for at least another day or two. I'll take it. Honestly.

Must bad things always gang up and attack at once? Why is that fair? Can't I negotiate my way around it? No. That's poopy. I at least want a fighting chance...but no. I caught someone in a blatant lie today--right to my face. Why is that necessary? I can handle the truth. I don't like it always, but I'll take the truth any day over a bold-face lie. I don't like liars. I don't like that I will always question them after this. It hurts. My wall grows taller.

The bittiest of the bebes gave me thrush for mother's day. This too is not fun at all. Part of me thinks this is a little bit funny, but I am not amused that it hasn't gone away yet.

The hubby got xrays Friday of his back. His back has not fused AT ALL. This is ridiculous. It's been 8 months. This undoubtedly means another surgery in the near future. I believe in miracles, and hope hope hope that The Big Guy can cut him some slack. I just don't think he can make it through another one. That is the saddest thing-- because in my heart I feel that and it scares the crap out of me. If my migraines are in any way related to stress, this is a big contributor. I wonder if I can bill his lame surgeon for my loss of sanity related to this?

I saw my best friend this weekend. LOVE HER. She brought me my tupperware that I left in Calistoga in March. Isn't she great?

Also saw my cousin this weekend. He's SO COOL. I've never been cool. But he is SO cool. He's in the music industry and he's so fun and humble and spontaneous and ALIVE. (There's that word again.) He actually knew the words to a Hannah Montana song and Jonas Brothers 3 bebes were in AWE. He's always been like that. Summer of 97 (after another crappy set of events) he brought me up to SF with him. I HAD to get out of the Valley, needed to get out. We rode our bikes around the city during the day. He knew all the back streets and amazing sights. And at night he'd take me to his gigs with him. He'd slip me in the back door and tell the staff I was "with the band." I felt cool then, totally wasn't... but I felt like it for a second.

What will it take for me to get out of this funk? I want to take life as it comes and take what I need and just leave the rest. I don't want to be bogged down with the things I don't understand, the people who lie, and stupid surface stuff. I want to feel like I'm riding on the coat-tails of some awesome adventure: captivated by the beauty and glory that God has infused into the tiniest but most meaningful things in life. When I look back I can see these things clear as day. But I'm so caught up in the here and now that I can hardly see any of it---even though it's right in front of my face. The hurts hurt so much I just can't seem to move past them. I play them through my head over and over again, and it almost gives it power in a way.

Someone told me once that "You have to get out of the rut, and into the river." You keep doing the same thing, expecting a different outcome. Does it ever change? No. You're in a rut. You keep going round and round wanting things to change but never changing yourself. You have to get out of the rut and get into the river--- 'cause a river's going places, and you're not.

I like it. Gimme that river.

Saturday, May 24, 2008


I've been lost in a haze for the last 3 days, in more ways than one. First my city is on fire. Even though I'm at least 30-40 miles from the fire, it smells of smoke and the skies are brown above me. Second my headache has returned, but full throttle this time. I made an urgent trip to the docs last night to try and level it. Demerol is good. In moderation of course.

Yesterday was also momma's "birthday." I thought about her all day and was reminded of a story she told me once. She had been unconscious for about2 weeks, and then began emerging from it but completely delirious: didn't know who people were, thought she was in DC, was seeing ants crawling on her skin, told me the cops were after her, thought she was pregnant because her belly was swollen, and didn't get that she was a sick, sick woman who we had lost, but the docs had brought her back. But in a moment of clarity, momma shared with me this story:

I was in pain and my body was hurting. But I was strong and trying to hold on. I looked up and there was a beautiful bright light streaming down towards me. And I had no more pain. I followed the light and a loud, strong, comforting voice came down over me. It said "Take a look." And so I did. It was like I was on a pendulum. As I leaned to the right, the pendulum would swing outwards and I could see every part of you growing up, when I was done I would lean forward and see you as you matured. Then I leaned to the left and would swing past the early days of courting and marriage and teaching and buying our first home. I could go past each memory and see how beautiful and blessed my life had been. There was no more hurt and no more pain. And when I was done the voice returned and said, "It's okay. You can let go now." And I thought I did, but then I woke up back here in the hospital.

It was a touching, poignant story. Immediately after mom was able to express this, Dad signed a DNR (do not resuscitate) form. Obviously it had been her time to die, but we mere mortals on earth wanted her SO badly to be here with us, that our focus was selfish, when it should have been all about her. This part is always so painful to relive, so I don't dig it back up very often. But the story was beautiful. Momma's face as she closed her eyes and smiled and she recalled each detail of the "dream" was like nothing I've even experienced before. She was so delighted to have had a chance to spend a little time on each happy memory. She wasn't caught up in the fact that she HAD let go, but we brought her back. I still wonder though, even today, if she had any resentment about it.

So last night, through the haze of my city being consumed by fire, and my migraine being consumed by Demerol, I remember that I did learn ALOT from this too. Most importantly was that GOD is real, and my momma was going to be saved. This, my friends, is how I celebrate momma's birthday. She is SAVED. Happy Birthday Momma.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

New Day

My peacefulness has left. It is elusive. And I need it back desperately. My demons are out to haunt me tonight. It started a little earlier today and I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

Sometimes they'll show up out of no where, like a migraine. Then other times there's something that tips 'em off...also like migraines. This one was tipped. Tripped. Flipped. Whatever. It's here and it's taunting me.

I hate it and I can't get away. It will riddle my life with hate and rage and questions and fear and memories for as long as it likes, and then just like that-- it will be gone again. I used to just crumble under the stress of it. The crumbling has faded away for the most part, and it is usually replaced with a stronger me who can stare it in the eye and refuse to let it take hold. But tonight is different. Tonight I just feel plain and weak and tired of it all.

My comfort in retreating has returned.

I can stay up all night tonight and pray and plead with God to take them away. I know that he hears me and I don't think that he's ignoring me. We talk of these frequently so he knows these struggles well. But my peace and resolve are so far frayed that my prayers are more frantic than they are fruitful. This makes me sad.

I attempt to offset their effect by my outward actions and how I carry myself and present myself to the world. I am determined that if I continue to live and enjoy a happy, meaningful Christ-filled life that one day these demons will realize that they are wasting their time on me. There's no place in my life for them, so move along already. But until this happens I feel torn. I feel like a fake, a phony, a fraud. Because I so frustratingly want to live outwardly how I'm feeling inside, but at times, especially like this, I can't. I won't. It's icky. It's not that I feel like I need to hide it. I just don't want to bring anyone else down with me.

So, here's to new days, and a new day for me starts in about an hour.

Sunday, May 18, 2008


I am good and relatively happy and tired and a little delirious but smiling, and I am drained. I am rambling and trying to string together thoughts and words and feelings to create a constructive sentence. I'm not sure that it makes sense to a normal functional brain, but I'll try to keep it at least grammatically correct, so I've got something going for me. Ok that might not work either, but it's the thought that counts, right?

I think I'm on the verge of a burn out. Drained out. Worked out. Stressed out. Stretched out. My thinker is cooking in this heat too which doesn't help me in the least. Bleh- That's my technical term for it all. Bleh Bleh Bleh Bleh Bleh.

I've been on the go with no signs in the near future that it's going to let up. That's poopy. (And that, my friends, is the technical term for I'm a mommy with baby on the brain, and that's the best description I can come up with right now.) I work, I mom (can mom be a verb?), I cook, I clean, I help with homework, I pay the bills, I keep 2 hospitals and a VNA relatively financially secure, I supervise, I edit, I drive, I counsel, I sing, I play, I pray, I hug, I love, and rarely find time for sleep, and now I go crazy.

There have been more times recently when I actually HAD to say NO to somethings. I didn't have a choice. I just couldn't do anymore.

I like it when I think that I have nothing left to offer, and then I do anyhow...I'll help out at some function, take someone's kids for the afternoon even though my own are more than I can handle, or stay late at work, or whatever, and I remember that I too can be blessed in these times. I find myself enjoying what I felt I HAD to do, but all along I was GETTING to do it.

But I'm afraid as great as those are, I am still running low...almost empty. I revive my soul at church and at RAW. I feel useful and worked at work. My children are still alive and giggling so I haven't failed there yet. My heart though needs to be rekindled and my constant worrying thoughts need a hiatus. Just a little down time....would be so wonderful.

Hubby came home yesterday evening (when I was just starting to think maybe I wasn't going to lose my mind after all) and said he was thinking of going and getting a dog the next day. Um...huh...what? Shut up. No really. Stop talking, turn back around and I'll pretend you never said that to me as I'm trying to pretend that I'm not GOING CRAZY!!! I think I managed to get that entire thing across to him with just the look on my face. I have enough going on and honestly don't need to clean up the feces of another being, be it literallyor figuratively.

And just to make that a little MORE fun.... stay with me here.... today I saw a friend who happened to get a dog in the last couple weeks. She told me how wonderful it was, and that actually my hubby has seen her dog the night before (AH HA! That's where this all started!) and she told me how much MY hubby wants a dog. Again--shut up is what I'm sure is written right across my very Christian(tho not particularly at this moment)-forehead. No-- don't tell me how great it is. No--don't tell me what I SHOULD do to make it easier to have a dog, don't tell me what breeds are the best. Don't. Please don't. I swear to God if she or hubby says another word about us NEEDING a dog....someone's dog is gonna be dead. I am neither mean nor hateful. But this has got to stop already people!

So the school year is almost over. The kids have a couple fun things planned this summer: camps and VBS, camping, and swim dates, time at Grandma's, etc. I think I'm going to have to get away and let some things go. I think I have to really let some things go. Emotional baggage that I haven't been able to offload for years. Sometimes I like to visually take these heartaches and put them out to sea where they can float or sink, but where they are no longer concerns of mine. Yes--the bebes can have their fun this summer, and I can have my peace and sanity back. Maybe even hubby will come too, if he doesn't have a dog by then.

Thursday, May 15, 2008


I read this book "Intercessory Prayer" by C. Peter Wagner several years ago. I just got up and pulled it back off the bookshelf....on the cover it says: How God can use your prayers to move heaven and earth. When I was reading it way back when it was like a last ditch effort. The book taught me a lot. But more than that...something just clicked. I was already a "believer," and what I took from this book just brought me to a new level. Prayer is amazing and powerful and strong and captivating. I haven't figured out (and I DON'T think that I am meant to find out necessarily) if it's that prayer has influence, or if it's that once one prays openly and honestly that the vision changes and one can then see the good in what might have seemed impossible. Hmmm. I like dwelling on this.....

A friend prayed for me, with me, on Sunday in the midst of my heart being very heavy. We prayed for peace specifically. And it was good. Peace came. Not right away, but fairly soon after. And it has continued. I still feel like things are spinning around me, but this week I've been able to breathe and be peaceful through it all. I had a chance to thank this person tonight. What a blessing to have friends like this.

Another friend (also a Christian) has a very heart right now. She called late last night and said "You were the first person I wanted to call." And I thought, fancy that... that works out well because I know what to do, cause it's just been done for me. And so I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed. Her news is devastating:a hit and run accident that killed her friend's 2 year old and left the mom in the hospital. I know that what I am called to do is pray for her, and her friend, and the friend's family, and even the person who caused the hit and run.

I felt challenged today though, spiritually. "How can you believe in a God when He let's things like this happen?" ......I'm sorry, what? Don't ask me that. Okay, fine --do. And I'll tell you. Defending God makes my blood boil. I feel invincible and feisty and BOLD. I never feel bold. And I like it. And I write that with a little smirk on my face too. =)

Maybe this too is part of the missing piece I've been hunting for. Not being invincible for selfish reasons. But being invincible and feisty and bold in the name of the Lord. Not by dismissing or belittling another's view, but by sharing what God has done for me and those around me. Being courageous with the backing of God pales in comparison to anything else. But don't take MY word for it. I didn't die on the cross. Take His word, and see what mountains he can move for you.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Love Love Love...Things that I Love

1. Chai
2. Especially from Fin's
3. When Bebe #2 says "wubble-u" not "double-u"
4. Laughing so hard my cheeks hurt
5. Painting my toes
6. Having my toes painted by someone else
7. Writing cards to friends
8. Especially for no reason
9. Photography
10.Doing laundry
11. Yes laundry
12. After living without a washer and dryer for SO long...laundry is fun
13. So is doing the dishes if the dish soap smells yummy
14. Nachos from Taqueria, (and that spellcheck thinks I'm trying to spell 'daiquiri' not Taqueria)
15. Dessert made from scratch
16. Mama Hen
17. My Sanity
18. When I can find it... I really appreciate it
19. Poetry
20. Littlest bebe when she laughs
21. And when she babbles like she's in a debate
22. And she's cracking herself up right now cause she's farting
23. A lot... and it's loud and smells rank.... and she likes it
24. Middle bebe's tenacity
25. Biggest bebe's timidness
26. When biggest bebe told me I was 'skinny'
27. And I was in shock
28. And then she explained 'so MUCH skin'
29. It wasn't the same after that
30. Funny-yes, but the same-no
31. Fresh veggies from momma's garden
32. Soccer
33. Watching my bebes dance
34. It's so fun and abundantly pure
35. Milk
36. With a lot of chocolate in it
37. Chocolate
38. Even without the milk
39. Sneezing
40. Cause it makes my headaches go away
41. Long walks
42. Long drives
43. Long drives with good music
44. Live music
45. Pressed flowers
46. Fire Fighters
47. Marines
48. And the hubby who is both
49. My job
50. Piano piano piano
51. Now if I could just figure out the guitar
52. Football games
53. Sunny sunshine weather
54. And being outside
55. And in the pool
56. Okay not in the pool or the ocean either
57. But just close enough so it's LIKE I am....but not
58. My anniversary
59. In July will be 9 years
60. New socks
61. Not so much new shoes tho-- they hurt my feet
62. New shampoo
63. Parades-- when they are small and meaningful
64. Airplanes
65. Like fighter jets I think are the coolest
66. Tho I don't like ANYTHING about fighting
67. Scrap booking
68. Day dreaming
69. Reading the newspaper
70. But not online, cause then I feel Lazy
71. I always read it on line
72. A good book
73. That I'd rather read than go to sleep
74. Sleep
75. I don't get enough of it
76. Don't have any idea why
77. Watching old movies
78. Being silly
79. And uninhibited
80. Singing
81. Singing loud and uninhibited
82. While staying on key
83. Cause if I don't, I start laughing
84. And then it's not pretty it's just loud noise coming out of my mouth
85. My home
86. Not for what it has, but for what it is
87. It's my home, not just my house
90. Painting
91. Pottery
92. Purposeful conversation
93. With good, good friends
94. Quiet, peaceful, simple prayer
95. Hindsight
96. And what I can learn from it
97. My eyes cause they are just like my momma's
98. Having 99 things to LOVE and smile about today
99. And knowing there is SO much more, so I'll leave 100 blank, cause this story isn't over yet

Sunday, May 11, 2008

A Piece

So yesterday around 3-ish I started feeling it. I'd been denying it, ignoring it for as long as possible, but I couldn't any longer. Ugh. The headache struck again. I'd been anxious all week about the next day, and it caught up with me. I took my medicine with minimal prompting, and found a nice cozy spot in my bed. Sleeping isn't what happens with me and headaches, sleep will come, but not at first. It has to be quiet, and cold, and my mind needs to unwind. THEN I fall asleep.

So I didn't die from this headache either. Who knew? Things started to come a bit into perspective though. And this is what I found: It seems my heart and soul (where God is) are at war with my head (my "thinker.") My mind honestly thinks that I will not make it to the next day because there is no way possible that I can manage the next day's events. No way. However- my heart keeps beating, and thus I am alive.

I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive.

Like Ariel when she gets her voice back. But it's me. I heard this this morning and it spoke to me. Or rather I spoke it and it had the effect of someone else telling me the moral of a story. My story. Or a piece of it anyways...

So here goes. I am scared to death of failure and heartache. But because of my "conditioning" so-to-speak as a child and young adult I became so deathly afraid of these that I retreated instead of facing them, moving on and growing. I don't mean like scared. I mean like panic-attack-deathly-afraid. I don't want to say that the way my life has played out so far has been so terrible or hard or worse or whatever compared to anyone else. I know I wouldn't have a leg to stand on. However- the ways that each thing happened and how and in what order has shaped who I am. Pretty picture or not, it's who I am and I own it.

I love people. I love kids. I love my job, my church, my family. I enjoy each of these groups because I care about each of them. I want to know how they are doing, see them grow and do well. I want to know how I can help them and support them. I want to know what makes them tick. I love them and yet I keep them at a distance. I want to know them, but I don't want them to know me. I pride myself on being accountable. But I stay clear of counting on them. I want to love them unconditionally and know what makes their hearts sing, but I don't want the same in return. Maybe I do. Maybe I do but I'm so scared that if I open up, I will be vulnerable. So I keep my guard up always.

Too many people have gone. One way or another, each person that I have opened up to has gone, or I fear is about to go. I fear that I will let my guard down cautiously and everything will be fine, and then when I least expect it, they too will be gone. I fear getting attached because I don't think I'll be who they thought I really was, and that they'll choose to leave. Or that I'll have to live through another death.

I don't want to stay, I don't want to fall,
I don't want to have to see you leave me
I don't want to stay, I don't want to fall in love
Maybe I'm a fake, maybe you're a lie
Maybe our last chance died with last night, I don't want to stay,
I don't want to fall in love with you again

These are tonight's lyrics. They sum up this point in my life. It's not a pretty picture and that makes me sad. I wonder if my missing piece that I've been hunting for is this? Maybe I need to let my guard down and trust. Is it too cliche to say "It's better to have loved and lost, than never loved at all?"

I'm not loving right now. I'm hiding. And I want to be ALIVE.

I found this tonight and it made me feel alive:

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Sand Dollars

The biggest of the bebes is doing a report on sand dollars this evening. Oh what a welcome, beautiful distraction this is. Did you know that sand dollar larvae can clone themselves to avoid predators? I could really use that once in a while. Maybe if I will it to happen it'll work? Who knows... I'll give it a shot. The middle bebe is learning to count by 2s but keeps skipping to 10s. She sings proudly the 2 by 2s and then somehow gets caught up in it all and gets going by 10s and stops mid-song and looks disappointed they snuck in there again. The littlest of the bebes is sick. She's got a fever and just wants to snuggle and babble and try to take my nose off my face. And the hubby... get this! He has decided that I MUST listen to Vanilla Ice (up loud on the speakers) sing Ice Ice Baby, and surprisingly he knows all the words, and has the best facial expressions to boot. This is awesome.

I've heard from some of my favorite people this week. Some have good news, and others not so much. But these are the people that I love-love. I love them through their triumphs and excitement and their disappointments too. They do the same in return for me. Not out of obligation, but because that's how it should be. One is pregnant-just found out, one just returned from New Zealand, one's wife is ready to deliver soon but is coming to visit in 2 weeks anyhow, one just moved to Georgia with the service, one revealed to me a terrifying medical condition his wife is enduring, one lost a father, one is about to get married, one is the closest thing I have to a sister, another one is planning a wedding next summer.

These people have blessed my life so richly. I am lucky and thankful and reminded of life's goodness and grace. One has shown up every time I needed her even if I didn't say it she knew and she was there, one whisked me away the summer of 97 to clear my head, one came to be with me after mom died and helped me pour out all of mom's dialysis solution and then let me water mom's plants with the very last bag, one knows my soul inside and out even though she's across the United States, one has seen me in my darkest days, one helped me take care of momma.

I am counting my blessings tonight. The song I'm listening to right now, yes I've moved past Vanilla Ice thank you, is speaking to my soul tonight and setting it on fire:

Even when the rain falls
Even the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water
Even if the Earth crumbles under my feet
Even if the ones I love turn around and crucify me
I won’t never ever let you down
I won’t fall
I won’t fall
I won’t fall as long as you’re around me

I need to be on fire. Be on fire for Jesus and the promise of a better life. Be on fire for those around me. There is so much to be joyful for. I want to live in a constant state of rejoicing and loving and being on fire. I don't know that it's possible, but I'll make it my goal so I don't become stagnant in this more-often-than-not unfair, unjust world. I get caught up easily in the hurtful things. I know that I learn A LOT when I am hurting, but that doesn't mean I like it. I don't want to feel like I need to be a sand dollar that can clone itself, although it's tempting. I want to live bravely and mightily through the strength of the Lord. I'll see what I can do to make this happen.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008


I'm filling my head with my favorite music right now: NeedToBreathe and trying to process today's events in a calm, thoughtful manner. Music takes me to a better place.

There's BIG news today in this small little spot in the world. Icky. I don't like this news. It's contrary to what I've known to be true. I won't make judgements one way or the other. I don't know what happened. I know that God has got this one handled, and I don't need to waste my time worrying about it. I know this. But I still cycle it through this head of mine.

My best attempt is to remember the good times, and what I know from my experience. When I was little, like kindergarten, 1st and 2nd grades ....that's where I'm going with this. He would walk to my class as the bell rang, and fling my little pink backpack on over his shoulder. He'd scoop me up and put me on his shoulders and walk back to mom's classroom at the high school. He'd tell me silly stories and make me giggle and then run really fast down the corridor with me hanging on for dear life. Then I'd draw him little pictures like little girls do. Years later when he and his wife were getting some old boxes out of his parent's storage...was a box from long ago with all the little treasures that I'd drawn for him. Precious. He was the big brother I never had.

I am mentally taking him and his family and all those involved and placing them into the strong yet gentle hands of the Lord. May He guide them and comfort them. May the love of the Lord pour over each of them until they are saturated with His peace and holiness.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

May in General

I like the month of May in general. I like that the weather starts to get warmer, the blooming flowers, the smell that's in the air, the activities I can do outside now that the rain is gone. But these are surface things. It seems there are a lot of things that I like on the surface, but there's a different story in my soul. May too is one of those stories.

May reminds me of my momma. Every year my mom and her best friend had an Iris sale. It was HUGE. It took round the year preparation for one or two weekends of sales. They ate, slept and breathed Iris. 2 years ago they were getting ready. Then mom had a doctor's appt and it changed everything. Within an hour she was admitted to the hospital. Within 2 days she was having trouble breathing. 3 days she was hallucinating, and 4 days she was dying in ICU.... As I was driving through town yesterday I saw the signs up for the Iris sale.I hadn't remembered yet that this was THAT weekend. Does your heart ever just go "thud?" That's what mine did. I had plans to do something else, but instead turned down the road, and parked at the Iris sale. It just FELT like momma there. Her best friend saw me and just mouthed "thank you" and we smiled through the tears. We didn't have to say anything else, we both knew why I was there.

Tonight I was at Safeway picking up some milk, and saw the card section as I walked to the check out. I found myself staring at the mother's day cards paralyzed. I wanted to get a mother's day card. I wanted to read them and look at their pretty pictures and pick the perfect one for momma. What a sight I must have been: some idiot lady crying, touching the fronts of the pretty cards for half an hour but never opening one. I couldn't do it. I don't have a momma to give a pretty card to anymore. It will be mother's day this coming Sunday. I will dread every single second of it. I will put on a happy face so to not ruin it for all the other normal folks, but I will be silently dying inside the entire day.

The middle of May reminds me of hubby's graduation from Marine Corps Boot Camp. I should remember that event for exactly what it was...spectacular and strong and valiant--but I don't. I can't. 2 hours before I was to fly to his graduation my daddy had a heart attack in my mom's ICU room. I have NEVER gotten past this. I'm still VERY selfish about this time. I felt betrayed. By my momma for being sick, by my daddy for letting mom's health effect his, by hubby for not being there when I needed him, and didn't have anyone else. And by God. Honestly. Was this fair? I am an only,lonely child and both of my parents were on the brink of death and I was expected to be strong and fly to San Diego to happily support hubby's graduation? These events changed who I was. Even though momma didn't die that day, and neither did dad, and I DID make it to graduation....and I am SO thankful for all of that....I changed.I have become jaded.

The end of May is momma's birthday. Not her real birthday, but the one she came to celebrate: the day her bone marrow transplant in 2000 engrafted (started to work by the cells regenerating themselves.) We almost lost her then too. Her body fought through a year's worth of chemo in 2 days to kill everything in her poor little body, but just barely leave her spirit alive to fight. Then she had to painstakingly endure infusions of packed red blood cells and platelets brought to just above freezing so to keep the chances of infection a minimum. Shock, infection, hallucinations, new allergies to necessary medicines all while be quarantined and the list goes on. That was no way to live. Mom would have been 8 this year. The transplant didn't work. It never got rid of her disease, it only made it worse. She developed a new disease as a direct result of the chemo. It did give her 6 more years. But I wonder every day, especially in May if she thinks it was all worth it?

I am comforted by this: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:6-7

And each night as my brain, against my will, plays back these times, I pray to God that this passage of hope was meant for me too.