Sunday, May 18, 2008

Conspiracy

I am good and relatively happy and tired and a little delirious but smiling, and I am drained. I am rambling and trying to string together thoughts and words and feelings to create a constructive sentence. I'm not sure that it makes sense to a normal functional brain, but I'll try to keep it at least grammatically correct, so I've got something going for me. Ok that might not work either, but it's the thought that counts, right?

I think I'm on the verge of a burn out. Drained out. Worked out. Stressed out. Stretched out. My thinker is cooking in this heat too which doesn't help me in the least. Bleh- That's my technical term for it all. Bleh Bleh Bleh Bleh Bleh.

I've been on the go with no signs in the near future that it's going to let up. That's poopy. (And that, my friends, is the technical term for I'm a mommy with baby on the brain, and that's the best description I can come up with right now.) I work, I mom (can mom be a verb?), I cook, I clean, I help with homework, I pay the bills, I keep 2 hospitals and a VNA relatively financially secure, I supervise, I edit, I drive, I counsel, I sing, I play, I pray, I hug, I love, and rarely find time for sleep, and now I go crazy.

There have been more times recently when I actually HAD to say NO to somethings. I didn't have a choice. I just couldn't do anymore.

I like it when I think that I have nothing left to offer, and then I do anyhow...I'll help out at some function, take someone's kids for the afternoon even though my own are more than I can handle, or stay late at work, or whatever, and I remember that I too can be blessed in these times. I find myself enjoying what I felt I HAD to do, but all along I was GETTING to do it.

But I'm afraid as great as those are, I am still running low...almost empty. I revive my soul at church and at RAW. I feel useful and worked at work. My children are still alive and giggling so I haven't failed there yet. My heart though needs to be rekindled and my constant worrying thoughts need a hiatus. Just a little down time....would be so wonderful.

Hubby came home yesterday evening (when I was just starting to think maybe I wasn't going to lose my mind after all) and said he was thinking of going and getting a dog the next day. Um...huh...what? Shut up. No really. Stop talking, turn back around and I'll pretend you never said that to me as I'm trying to pretend that I'm not GOING CRAZY!!! I think I managed to get that entire thing across to him with just the look on my face. I have enough going on and honestly don't need to clean up the feces of another being, be it literallyor figuratively.

And just to make that a little MORE fun.... stay with me here.... today I saw a friend who happened to get a dog in the last couple weeks. She told me how wonderful it was, and that actually my hubby has seen her dog the night before (AH HA! That's where this all started!) and she told me how much MY hubby wants a dog. Again--shut up is what I'm sure is written right across my very Christian(tho not particularly at this moment)-forehead. No-- don't tell me how great it is. No--don't tell me what I SHOULD do to make it easier to have a dog, don't tell me what breeds are the best. Don't. Please don't. I swear to God if she or hubby says another word about us NEEDING a dog....someone's dog is gonna be dead. I am neither mean nor hateful. But this has got to stop already people!

So the school year is almost over. The kids have a couple fun things planned this summer: camps and VBS, camping, and swim dates, time at Grandma's, etc. I think I'm going to have to get away and let some things go. I think I have to really let some things go. Emotional baggage that I haven't been able to offload for years. Sometimes I like to visually take these heartaches and put them out to sea where they can float or sink, but where they are no longer concerns of mine. Yes--the bebes can have their fun this summer, and I can have my peace and sanity back. Maybe even hubby will come too, if he doesn't have a dog by then.

2 comments:

Brittany said...

Stick to your guns! No dogs! Praying for you. I think you should join K and I on our spa day sometime this summer...but I will always understand if you say no! :)

Meg said...

Oh I am SOOOO there. Count me in... yes yes yes!!! =-)