Sunday, January 26, 2014

those little details

The nightmares are back. Just like *that* there they are.

I was having a dream that James was being transferred from one skilled nursing facility to another, and I hadn't seen him in a while, and I missed him. I felt bad for not seeing him and not checking in. I hadn't seen him at the most recent place, and so I needed to check it out. I felt like it had been a long time. I heard that it was a smaller place, in a private residence where it would be more like a 'home' setting and he would get more one-on-one care. I liked that. But it made me feel bad too, because I knew I couldn't provide that for him here at home. It made me feel very bad... like I had 'left' him somewhere or forgotten about him. I felt very unsettled about it all. I had a very urgent feeling that I NEEDED to see him SOON. I was trying to figure out where the new place was.

and then I woke up.

and I didn't know where the new place was. The bed was empty next to me. and I was sad. I wondered and thought HARD. It had to be there (in my brain). It was Santa Cruz, right? It was close, I was pretty sure. Maybe Watsonville actually. No no... It was Aptos! That was it. A-ha! He was in a little place in Aptos. Ok. I'll go see him now. I'll figure out the address while I am driving. It's been too long since I've seen him. I began to recollect the last time I saw him... I thought... I thought it was in Aptos too? I was pulling my jeans on and then my socks, trying to pull all those little details together.

Oooooh effing bloody HELL. And just like that. Like waves that don't let up. That bury you deeper and deeper and pound on your back until you are completely face down in the sand and your lungs are filled with water and you can't breathe and actually you don't really want to any more.... I remembered. My husband is dead.

I had to rebuild it. Like I usually do, when I wake up like this. I either forget where I am (waking up in my own bed) or I forget where he is. I have to start at the beginning. And re-live each detail, in order to get to the end... in sequence... to where I am right now. Re-live the heartbreak. The accident. The seizures. The hospital stays. The psychosis. The medicine. The first death of his soul and the final death of his body. All of it. The loss of my very best friend.

In April it will be 4 years.
Yes, I am re-married. Yes, Nick was working a night shift. Yes, I still have nightmares.
I am a work in progress. I hope if James is looking down here he knows how much I LOVE and MISS him