Friday, November 14, 2014

How to Have a Crappy Day

1. Have a child go missing
2. Be sure her cell phone is broken and she doesn't deserve a new one
3. Have your cell phone also break one week prior
4. Make sure time change is in effect and that it is late at night and dark
5. Then pee your pants
6. Don't pay your gas card
7. Be out of gas
8. Circle the middle, elementary, and high school as fast as possible
9. Stay calm for an HOUR, then loose your shiz
10. Change your pants in dark school parking lot and feel like you're violating someone
11. Call Barb, the grandparents, the town Doc, check the church, and the library, at least 5 times each
12. Drive by the CHP and Sheriff multiple times
14. Be sure she is annoyed and belittles your fear of her being in ditch, hog-tied, and raped
15. RAGE
16. Almost crash the car
17. Get out of the wrong lane
18. Toast with hubby at the end of night to her safety. She wasn't hurt, by a stranger, or by me.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Thoughts from 9/23

1. Why do hot dogs come in packages of 10, but buns in lacks of 8? And the hamburgers I buy are packs of 6, but buns are packs of 8. =/ My OCD does not agree.

2. My weekends have been full for weeks now. And still no free ones in sight. This next one:Fri eve drive on Nat's drama field trip to Carmel, Sat go to a quiceƱera with Lu, then Sat eve Nick's bday BBQ, Sunday church then Sutter picnic. Following weekend friends from out of town and Emi's bday party. Nooooo problem.

3. What would you think if I told you our rental car's (BTW, we have a rental) i-pod sensor wasn't working so Lu stuck her finger in the outlet and now it works? But only when her finger's in there. And, no, no one else's finger worked. And, we did check, her big toe works too. Things that make you go hmmmmmm....

4. I am over entitled people, preachy-too good say one thing mean another churches, and those with big egoes who step all over the little people to get where they think they need to go.

5. I think dogs should learn to shit in the pot and wipe They are 'part of the family' after all, right?

6. Am a firm believer that bacon makes everything better. I even told the cafe guy this morn, and he agreed!

7. i think if you take your car in to get the brakes done, they should do them ALL or at least check that whatever set they don't change aren't about to blow.... in the next 200-300 miles.  Did I mention I have a rental?

 8. I think I missed my calling as a doctor, flight nurse, Disney princess, swing dancer, hot air balloon rider, musician , and stay at home foster mom.

9. Sometimes (a lot if times) when i look at people, i wonder what kind of animal they would have been in a past life. I had a boss who was a newt.

10. In 6 months I will have a 16 year old child... who I birthed! Like she is mine. Gaaahhhh..... what in the world??
11. Armpits totallllllly gross me out.

12. I think I found my next tattoo. Did you know I had a first one? Surprise!

13. Crafty Meg is a happy Meg

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

10 Facts

Because Stacie begged me to do this, and I said yes, but I'm not posting on FB. ;)

10 Facts About My Pregnancies

1. First pregnant at 18, delivered at 19. Very young and YES I would do it that way again. I was young enough to be oblivious to dumb dumb people who thought I needed their judgement.

2. Didn't know I was pregnant with Lulu til 5 months, yea it can happen!

3. Natalie thought her delivery needed to usurp my need for pancakes. Wrong! I ate the pancakes from the pancake breakfast on the 4th of July on the way to the hospital. Delivered her 15 minutes later. TYVM.

4. I had realllllllly bad morning sickness with all of the girls.

5. James gained more pregnancy weight than I did. :)

6. My mom died 10/20/06. I found out I was pregnant (again) on 2/12/07... my mom's first birthday after she died. And my due date was 10/20/07, the one year anniversary of mom's passing. I call Emi my angel baby for this reason. I feel like mom hand picked her and was there every step.

7. 2 epidural, 1 natural.

8. 1 post partum hemorrhage.

 9. I LOVED being pregnant. And would love to have another baby, (so would Nick.) But I think my baby days are over.

 10. If James had a boy, he wanted to name him Ticonderoga (like the pencil!) And call him Tike for short.

Sunday, August 24, 2014


Emi: Mama, every day I'm a little closer to seeing my Daddy James, right?
Me: Yes, Lovie
Emi: What do you think he does up there?
Me: Well...
Emi: Like, he's up in heaven now so he can pretty much do whatever he wants, right?
Me: I guess so. What do you think he gets to do?
Emi: I don't know. I think he likes to fly now that he's a ghost, or is he an angel?
Me: I think maybe he's an angel.
Emi: Me too. Do you think he has big wings or little wings?
Me: Probably just right wings that make him fly super fast but like an angel.
Emi: ooooohhhh ya.
Emi: You know what else? He doesn't hurt any more so he can play more games than just flying
Me: Yes! What other games?
Emi: I bet he works on cars and trucks and can race them fast!
Emi: I think he can run for miles! And he plays chase with the little kids who were sick and need a daddy! And you know what else? Jesus taught him how to fly at first with his wings and then Daddy taught the new angels how to fly. And then when they need to get their wiggles out, they get to jump ALOT on the clouds like a trampoline and THAT is when it rains down here!
Me: I love it. What else? What else can Daddy do now?
Emi: He can do gymnastics and he is SO good!
Me: YES! Can he tumble and cartwheel?
Emi: Yes but he is still working on sticking the landing.
Emi: But he CAN do the bridge!
Me: Oh my goodness! You two could do the bridge together!
Emi: Yes mommy! And then I could show him how to walk a few steps in the bridge and I'm the baby bridge and he's the daddy bridge and I fit right under his big bridge like nesting tables.
Me: Yes, Lovie. Just like nesting tables.  <3 p="">

Monday, August 11, 2014

Change of Heart

I had a change of heart recently. Recently = last year or so. I realized I was always living for the future. Scrimp now so you can splurge later. Don’t take that day off of work. They may need you. You may need that day back later. You may want to take a vacation later. Don’t use the fine china except on very.special.occassions. Don’t bother to put on make up. Sure it may feel nice, but what does it really matter? Only wear that skirt for weddings! It’s special- don’t ruin it! Mommy can we go to the park? To the movies? To the beach? Will you play with me? “No- later.”

The TIME is NOW, folks! This IS the LIFE. There is not enough time to try and keep socking it away for a better day. Damn well better make today a better day and make it count. Make the journey count. How many trips have you taken and all you really remember is the road-trip part… when you were rocking out with your kids or your family or your girl friends…. Windows down, singing at the top of your lungs? Or the plane ride. Or the walk. Where ever YOU were going, there was a path to get there. It’s where rubber or precious little feet hit the ground, and those stories are some of the sweetest.

I realize I may be slightly digging myself a rut with this new path, but it’s MY path. And I have, for so long, hidden in the shadows and jumped precariously from one shadow to the next, hoping to dodge present day and… eventually get to the ‘the future’ where everything is ‘better.’ It’s a funny thing. Because I dare say, I would stay in a constant state of ‘waiting’ for things to get better… for ever. DON’T DO THAT. You know what makes me feel better? Small, really insignificant things…. Like wearing long flowing skirts. And mascara. I walk the hill every morning not because my ass needs it (it does!) but because this piece of land is amazing and I LOVE the smell of the forest in the morning. Letting go of ego is also a little important. Be human, be open. PMS is natural. I snapped at Nick the other day. And he just kind of went with it and then politely showed me that I was wrong. I took my hand and put it on my heart and then put it in his pocket. He just kind of looked at me… “What was that?” “It was my ego. I just put it in your pocket. You can have it.” And then I cried a little. Not sad. Just… uuuhhh… being human is hard.

I see myself kind of winding in a little smaller with my group of friends. We’ve all had some pretty hearty tragedies. Maybe we’re all just to that age that we’ve just experienced death and heart ache, each? I don’t know. But I can feel myself just wanting to kind of shepherd them in a bit closer. I’m more diligent about checking in. It seems our souls are so prone to crack; I don’t want to get any farther away from them. They MUST know that I LOVE them

I think that LOVE, really more than anything, makes this world go round. There are LOTS of things that make this world tick. But what I can offer and what I know how to do are LOVE. So when there are other parents or community members and they are most concerned about A’s in high school, who can run the fastest mile, or who got in to 3 AP classes, my head goes a little numb. My heart beats fast for the kid who slows down to help hearing impaired kid in math, or show the new kid around school. The one who helps the Grandpa reach the bottom row of boxes at the store.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

There will come a day

There will come a day when there is nothing ahead that was in your plan, nothing happening that was supposed to happen; life is changing with such quickness you have no idea what your game plan is, except of course, one foot after the next.
Preferably yours, left then right, repeat. And, again.

Accidents, divorce, diagnoses, discoveries, and death.... we learn quickly to adapt, to cope. In a couple hours usually. Depending on the situation there may be the outward coping in the face of the dying or the grief, the inward coping, and the shared coping... for those who you trust and those whom you don't, and then the varying degrees between.

In the face of such change, as life changes, true colors show, and a life a worth rises up out of the dust as if to say: This is me, I am here now, and I matter. Friends and family with steady strength are the backbone... they do not make your suffering about them. Lean on them. There is no better time. Sway with them. They bend with the good and bad. They are unbreakable.

Be gentle on yourself. Allow yourself the time and space to just be and take in and account for what has happened. It's ok to look at it head-on. It's ok to put it off for a while too, but it’s just that, putting it off. Be good to yourself. Surround yourself with people you like and love. Not with the ones who are forcing themselves into your life because they are making this about them, or feed off the drama. If you have children you have an immediate need to attend to their well being and emotional needs... and it needs to happen simultaneously with yours... not to be put before yours.

Sometimes you are the one suffering, suffering a very great loss. And you think things could never get any worse. And then like a mighty wind you are surrounded by a small but powerful battalion of warriors fighting for you. And you are at once on your knees and humbled. And when you can finally open your eyes you see all the work they've done while you took refuge, safely behind them. And you are ok.

And then one day, tides will turn. You will get word that one of your battalion has suffered a very great loss. You plead with God to not let it be so, please don't let it be. Don't let there be hurt like this. I've been there. I’ve hurt like this. I don't want anyone to ever have to hurt like this, please. And then you may 'hear' the nudge: ‘Then just be. Help shoulder the grief, and the pain, and the heartache as it begins to spill.’ And you do. You can be the sounding board or the answerer of hard questions. You can be the one cooking meals, or filling the tank with gas, spiritually or otherwise. You get to be a constant of love, support, protection and honesty. Each is key. And so is GET. It is a privilege to serve, and to bear witness to a friend in the delicate space of such vulnerability. (Privilege- not a right.) It is a precious gift to walk with them a mile in their journey.

Parting words: Be good to each other. That includes you. You matter. Be good stewards of love, hope, and your time. Be open to finding beauty in ALL things, even painful ones. It’s OK to start slow. Celebrate everything. Small wins are still wins, and still deserve a party. Even if it’s just a party in your heart, or coffee with a friend. Believe that someone out there has the right words to share with you if you are having a hard day. AND- you likely are someone else’s saving grace on another day, so don’t guard your words too closely. We’re in this together.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Sometimes I'm better with pictures

Pictures of the property and some of my peeps :)

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Just Like That

I had a dream last night. Eh, I should probably back up. I've moved! (We've moved!) There was a grand plan that didn't work, but in the end we moved to a remote side of our little town and we are very happy in our little warm cubby hole in the redwoods. Pictures to come. Oh, I also have no TV, internet, or cell service at my new house, hence no postings since who knows when!!! Hmmm... so tranquil.

I've been sick. Again. I have a love hate relationship with doctors. I work in a hospital. It's weird to be sick in an environment where some people know all your business. And your boss knows nothing. And insurance is a nightmare when you have to go out of network-- EVEN FOR ME! It's true. *le sigh*

The majority of my staff was laid off. It was like the longest drawn out death EVER. The people I've loved all these years, do not love me anymore. I am the enemy. I am now the face of their hard working years flushed down the drains. I fought tooth and nail, pulled out every stop.

I had a dream last night. I was trying to park the truck. James' truck. I was trying to back it in to a tight spot on the cliff side of a mountain. I was close to having it parallel, and then the back tire slipped. I hit the gas and must have just dug a deeper rut and then I feel the back of the truck sink and then I could feel the truck sliding, sliding, sliding, dammitttt.... rolling crashing trees, boulders, crashing in through the window shield. I have been here before. Oh my God I'm going to die.

Yep it was that dream. Or in that category of dreams.

The anxiety is up. Not even knowingly. I *think* everything is fine. REALLY. A few Fridays ago Admin had an all day off-site interactive meeting. It required ACTIVE particiaption on behalf of everyone. Including me.... boo. I am not a speak-upper. I'm a reflecter, deflecter. I select my words carefully, after thinking about them for a long time. I was a very good girl. I participated. I raised my hand. I was not the last person to be called on. I did not hide. Behind the curtain, under the table or otherwise. I was the speaker for my group when we presented.

I was SOOOO proud of me when I left that evening. It was a very HARD (emotionally? outward, methodical, dedicated marathon of a day...) to me. I got to Safeway to buy groceries and could feel something happening about the cereal aisle. My chest was tight. My head was a little spinny. I only shopped for essentials after that, and headed toward the check out. The check out man was nice, but the bagger boy would.not.shut.up. By this time I was having trouble breathing. His words were circling my head... waiting to attack. No rest. I got out and RAN (with my cart) to my car. Once in the car full blown panic attack. Then, text from Nick.

Nick: We are out of propane for the BBQ.
Me: Ok
Nick: Can you get some?
Me: how?
Nick: Just stop by the gas station, go in and tell them you need one for a BBQ.
Me: ummm...

He calls me. "Babe, just go in. You tell them you need a propane tank for a BBQ- you need to buy one, not fill one up. Super easy."
Me: "I just-- go in and do that?
Nick: "Yep"
Me: "Just like that"
Nick: "Just like that"
Me: "Just like that"
Nick: What is the matter"
Me: "I think I'm having an issue"

Just like that. ALL of my outward energy had been ALL used up. I didn't have a single ounce left. Really. Truly. I felt like my heart, and soul, and privacy, and innards had all been turned inside out and were all just hanging out there. All exposed.

I told our new Worship Team Leader at church about a song I'd like for us to maybe sing. He got back to me a few weeks later and said it wouldn't sound good for a male voice to sing. Whooommp whomp. "So I think you should." OMG. You people are killing me. I just need to be appreciated and loved. I'm glad you have faith in me. Insert next panic attack here.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

those little details

The nightmares are back. Just like *that* there they are.

I was having a dream that James was being transferred from one skilled nursing facility to another, and I hadn't seen him in a while, and I missed him. I felt bad for not seeing him and not checking in. I hadn't seen him at the most recent place, and so I needed to check it out. I felt like it had been a long time. I heard that it was a smaller place, in a private residence where it would be more like a 'home' setting and he would get more one-on-one care. I liked that. But it made me feel bad too, because I knew I couldn't provide that for him here at home. It made me feel very bad... like I had 'left' him somewhere or forgotten about him. I felt very unsettled about it all. I had a very urgent feeling that I NEEDED to see him SOON. I was trying to figure out where the new place was.

and then I woke up.

and I didn't know where the new place was. The bed was empty next to me. and I was sad. I wondered and thought HARD. It had to be there (in my brain). It was Santa Cruz, right? It was close, I was pretty sure. Maybe Watsonville actually. No no... It was Aptos! That was it. A-ha! He was in a little place in Aptos. Ok. I'll go see him now. I'll figure out the address while I am driving. It's been too long since I've seen him. I began to recollect the last time I saw him... I thought... I thought it was in Aptos too? I was pulling my jeans on and then my socks, trying to pull all those little details together.

Oooooh effing bloody HELL. And just like that. Like waves that don't let up. That bury you deeper and deeper and pound on your back until you are completely face down in the sand and your lungs are filled with water and you can't breathe and actually you don't really want to any more.... I remembered. My husband is dead.

I had to rebuild it. Like I usually do, when I wake up like this. I either forget where I am (waking up in my own bed) or I forget where he is. I have to start at the beginning. And re-live each detail, in order to get to the end... in sequence... to where I am right now. Re-live the heartbreak. The accident. The seizures. The hospital stays. The psychosis. The medicine. The first death of his soul and the final death of his body. All of it. The loss of my very best friend.

In April it will be 4 years.
Yes, I am re-married. Yes, Nick was working a night shift. Yes, I still have nightmares.
I am a work in progress. I hope if James is looking down here he knows how much I LOVE and MISS him