Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Big bebe is at Grandma's. She's been home a week from camp and has spent 5 nights at Gram's. She's very much enjoying being a princess bebe up there. It's a slower pace than our house. She's getting very independent too, which is good. For a long time she was very timid and quiet. She's finally coming out of that shell a bit. She's making fairy houses with sticks and strings and fabric and anything else artsy she can get her hands on.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
This is what they'll do to Hubby's back:
Now since I'm posting about Stanford, I want to share a little love story with you. Love as in between people and their friends, love between a Savior and the sick. A little background first: My mom and dad were both raised in strict catholic households. Dad grew up in Seminary at St. Joseph's, and mom ended up at Dominican College. She was going to be a nun, and he a priest. Hmmm...things didn't end up that way, but that's where their roots were planted in any case.
Mom and dad both withdrew from the active church life sometime before I was born. I wasn't raised in any church because of this, but they never spoke badly of church or faith or God. Something must have happened, but to this day I still don't know what it was. I figure if they wanted me to know they would have told me by now.
So fast forward several years and mom is getting ready for her bone marrow transplant in 2000. It will be done at Stanford. She'll be in the hospital for at least 6 weeks after the transplant, but then she'll need to live the next several months within 5 minutes of Stanford. They looked for a place to rent, but it needed to have specific accommodations. Mom's immune system would be so weakened that they would need to be able to easily control the air flow, air quality, have a stove, etc. And it needed to be a very clean place. They eventually did find a little place, everything was set, and then the owners decided they couldn't rent it after all. This was just a week or two before mom's transplant. No pressure or anything.
Mom had a dream that night that dad called some of his old seminary buddies to see if they had any suggestions. St Joseph's burnt to the ground ( I think, either that or it fell down during the 89 earthquake--can't remember) and was never rebuilt. So all St Joseph's alumni and such were now part of the bigger seminary at St Patrick's in Menlo Park, which is very near to Stanford. So this wasn't a long shot at all, they might very well have some good ideas.
So dad called up an old seminary fellow, who happens to be the president at St Patrick's now. Told him the story of what's going on with mom, and what they are looking for. Oh and the Lord is GOOD and powerful and tad bit sneaky! ( I like it!) Turns out some of the Priests were on sabbatical for an extended period of time. The whole west wing of St Patrick's was un-occupied. (Keep in mind dad was looking for a suggestion, not an answer) They would be happy to offer mom and dad one of the living suites for as long as they needed it, rent free of course. Only problem was that although it was a large suite, there was only a kitchenette. Mom needed a stove, because ALL of her food and liquids needed to be boiled for a lengthy period of time so to keep pesky little germs away. But there was the seminary kitchen that was staffed with the most precious little nuns who cooked all the meals for priests and crew, they'd be happy to accommodate mom any way she needed. I mean really---if you have to trust some earthly body to wash and boil your veggies...wouldn't you like it to be a sweet little nun???
And so that's what they did. And it was perfect and wonderful and so soothing for them to be there....for all of the physical things of course, but also mentally and spiritually be nurtured there surrounded by God and some of his most devoted followers. St Patrick's also has a library. Dad was able to spend MANY hours there when he needed to just escape. Once mom was well enough to go outside (with her BIG MIGHTY mask on) she hung out with the gardeners and the landscaper. Mama's soul was always in the garden. Here's some pics of St Patrick's. Isn't it a beauty? I told mom it looked like she was living in a castle:
Somewhere I have a some pictures of Mama there. One when all her hair fell out. She didn't want her face in the picture, but wanted a picture of her bald head. My uncle was able to take a silhouette of her and it is breath taking. And beautiful. Another one she is standing next to an angel statue, and she held her breath and took off her mask and put it on the angel. It's so cute. I have to figure out how to scan those pics into my computer and then I'm going to post them.
Oh it's good for me to have good memories of Mama, and good memories of Stanford, fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, and this sweet story that reaffirms that He can and will see us through anything, and make it so much better than we could have ever imagined.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Hubby was at Stanford yesterday, and then had his MRI this morning. Before he even left the area, he was scheduled for a consult with his neurosurgeon tomorrow morning. Yikes. Crap. Shooooooot. The quickness and somewhat urgent nature of the appointment has me anxious. I'll be going up there with him tomorrow. This appointment could very well turn into a pre-op appointment and not just a consult. I think they are going to move on this ASAP.
Now my wheels are turning. I'm not worried per se. But more anxious and wondering how everything is going to play out. My boss knows that surgery will be soon, so that's good and work will be ok. I can keep tabs on things from afar, and I've saved up PTO. My bebes will probably be mostly at Grandma and Grandpy's, but maybe shuffled around a little amongst friends and Mama Hen's too. The big bebes will be ok, but what about bitty bebe? I think I'll probably have to get a hotel up there near the hospital. I just won't have the energy to drive that far away each day to get there. Or maybe I could bring bitty bebe with me and pawn her off to family who live closer to the hospital. Hmmmm..... His last surgery he was in-patient for 7 days. I anticipate this one will be the same, if not a bit longer. I had really hoped we'd get a small vacation in before all this. But then, I'm more of a home-body anyhow.
The real estate these days is really the buyers market. We'd also hoped to get into a home soon, and not just be renting. I think that too will need to be put off. I just can't fathom trying to do any of the looking, paperwork, or moving while he's laid up after the surgery. Maybe we'll get lucky and prices will continue to drop. Wouldn't that be nice? I don't even want to look at what's on the market, 'cause then I start to get attached and get my hopes up. Can't be doing that.
Hubby hooked up my i-pod to my car stereo. Very cool. Just short of driving myself insane with all the unknowns right now, I sang my little heart out in the car today while driving home from work. Good music, nice and loud, not a care in the world.....and now I've lost my voice. Hahaha. "Oh Meg, are you sick? You don't sound so great." To which I reply, "No just sang at the top of my lungs to beat them fears back into submission in this worry-wart head of mine. Thanks for asking!"
Ooohh my sassiness is back with a vengeance!
Saturday, July 19, 2008
First...Hubby and I went and saw Jefferson Starship play Friday night. Not all of the original members, of course, but some of them and some new ones. They put on a great show in a small local venue. I LOVE live music. Love Love LOVE. Didn't get any pics of the band though, sorry....
Picked up Big bebe from camp today. She was all smiles and happy grime. Mmmmm....love it. Her pillow, though sent to camp white, came back brown-paper-bag brown.
Went to the Rodeo today. SOOOO much fun. Left bitty bebe with Grandma. It was an all day event, and never a dull moment. Hubby and I got hats today too--something we've wanted for a while. And when is a more appropriate time than a rodeo to get them??
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Hubby is on the mend at least for the time being. He's had a ridiculously rough week, but think he's going to pull through on this round just fine now. I am breathing again.
And with my worried self temporarily put on the back burner, my silly self is begging for attention. I have a group of friends that I meet with, and our unofficial name for this meeting time/group is 'covenant group.' I think it would be really cool to come up with a snazzy group name. Kind of in the same light as Brangelina. So similarly we could be CoGro. But that's kind of boring. Maybe we could take the first letters of our names and make it spell something witty? But we're a group of consonants and no vowels. That's too bad. We should recruit a vowel person! Are you with me?!?!? No? Fine. BMKN and sometimes J and no more C? That's still boring. Eerily if you take the first 2 letters of the main 4 folks' names it would spell BROKEN ME. Eerie. Especially given my recent blog topics. Ok.... so maybe that's a bad idea, perhaps I need to go a different route. I remember when I was 5 and another Meg and I had a club called the True Blue Tree Club. We thought we were really something special. And we were. Special. For sure. Ok.... I gotta keep thinking on this one.
In closing, I'll tell you that I had spinach dip, bread, coconut and pineapple juice, and heath bar ice cream for dinner. I LOVED it. Although now that it's all mixed up together in my belly, I'm not sure that was a wise combo. Bitty bebe just got her 5th tooth. Hubby and middle bebe are on a "date night" tonight and went to see a movie. So cute. I even ironed her little clothes. She and hubby are going fishing tomorrow. He asked if I wanted to come too. I do like the IDEA of fishing and relaxing, but the whole fish thing itself kind of ruins it for me. I am anxiously awaiting the results of my MRI. Hubby is back up to Stanford tomorrow, before fishing, one step closer. I worked on an excel spreadsheet at work today for HOURS. Stupid. Who would send $1M and not attach backup as how to allocate the funds? The government. That's who. Drive me insane! So I am tired, and have a fairly good shot at getting a good night's sleep tonight.... Yay me! Onward.....
Monday, July 14, 2008
Sunday, July 13, 2008
This little gadget: which some refer to as a key, has made my life hell today. HELL. So NOT feeling it. I love that I have a car that runs, has air conditioning, windows that work, and I am good about taking it in for tune ups and oil changes. Long forgotten are the times of old crappy cars that would poop out and hubby would jimmy it this way and that and it would run again. No such luck with these new fangled cars and their electronic computer crap. This only delayed what, 3 things today? A funeral, getting Big bebe to camp, and meeting with a group of friends tonight. Gimme a break!!! I wonder if it could have anything to do with this?
Friday, July 11, 2008
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
My broken finger's splint now sports a sassy little soccer player on it. Really dressed things up a bit. I mean, if you have to have a broken finger, why not double the fun with a finger puppet? Right!?!?!?
Stopped by dad's today. When I pulled up I could see him in the kitchen window. I took a minute to make a phone call, and then went to go inside. The door was locked. Odd. I knocked. No answer. Usually dad will open the door before I even get out of the car. Not this time. I went and got the hide-a-key (shhhh it's a secret) and let myself in. Dad had been busy. He had ALL the fans going in the house and 2 new HUGE air conditioner thingies. It was like walking into a wind tunnel--really. I called "Daddy?" and he answered... "I'll be right there." A few moments later he appears in the hallway, wearing just his shorts. Cute. I said "are you hot" meaning all the fans. And he says "Yeah, I was doing paperwork at the kitchen table naked, but thought I'd put pants on now." Thanks for the visual dad. He kills me.
I saw this cartoon today and I was totally reminded of hubby. The effort's always there 110%, but sometimes things still don't go his way.
(Disregard bad grammar and inappropriate apostrophe.) It's still funny.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
My fears about hubby are back. Oh and how I love him so the fear just seems to be eating me alive. He's got PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder.) It's not from war or combat, but from some other closer to home things that have happened. He's also a volunteer fireman here in our little town, a job that he LOVES. But being in a small town means that more often than not, our firemen are likely to run calls on people they know. He's been on self-inflicted gunshot wounds to the head of a high school buddy of his. Worked CPR on a dying old man, while his childhood teacher sat peering over his shoulder crying, pleading for him to not give up. He's worked fully involved house fires that burnt everyone inside, people we had had lunch with the day before. He's been on motorcycle accidents which are some of the worst. Last summer it all started to catch up with him though. In three weeks, he ran three calls, all were vehicle accidents, all three people died, and he knew each one of them. One was of these was a young girl L. L was a girlfriend of a fellow fireman. L was different and the beauty of her soul was captivating. She had just BEAT brain cancer. BEAT it. She was hit by a drunk driver as she was walking home from her boyfriend's house. Hubby was the one who found her...down at the bottom of the ravine, with a deep laceration from under her ribs to her hip bone. He rolled her over so he could carry her back up to the road. He found 2 things: one that she was dead, and two that he knew her. When we went to her funeral, the memory card they handed out had her picture on it. In that picture she was wearing the same sweatshirt she was wearing when she was killed. Hubby hasn't been the same since. So the PTSD comes in waves and is more prevalent during other stressful times, and lack of sleep. I got a call on Thursday from someone who had seen him and they said that hubby "was not good." I booked it home. He'd had a panic attack, and his panic attacks are frightful. That was Thursday, today is Sunday and he's ok today. I know that he's worried about his surgery coming up. Mentally I don't know that he will make it. Either to the surgery or out of the surgery. =(
Friday was middle bebe's birthday. She's a fire cracker baby. She got to ride in the parade and eat pancakes at the fire house. Uncle J took her swimming. (4th of July is difficult for me for a few specific reasons. Oddly enough each of my bebe's birthdays is either on the anniversary day of a death of someone, or is directly related to a death. More on this in another post....) Saturday we had some little friends over to Petroglyph for some painting and sandwiches and cupcakes. The rest of Saturday was spent packing to send middle bebe to camp on Sunday. It was go go go. Here's a picture of bitty bebe on the 4th. Isn't she cute?
We made it to church today and parts were good, other parts not so much. I was though particularly moved by the closing song. Make me, mold me, fill me, use me. I give my life to the potter's hand. Plus it's a very pretty song. Make me, break me is what I was praying. I so badly want to be in control. I know I need to be broken and knit back together. I was feeling very good about this openness with God. I did not mean for him to take it literally though. (Is he up there just laughing at me?) I went to get bitty bebe from the nursery at church. As I walked in I was struck with how cute she was and I was in awe. Then I was struck by the door that was closing whether I wanted it to or not. Right on my knuckle. YEEEOOOWWWWW! Flipping finger. That's what my recent cursing like a sailor self said in my head. But it wasn't my flipping finger, actually, it was my pointer finger. It caught right on the part of the door where the locking part sticks out to latch. So. Moral of this story. Ask God to break you and he'll break your finger. Ok, so maybe not exactly like that, but come on. My finger is broken. And that is LAME.
Middle bebe (right) and her best friend Little B made it to camp this afternoon just fine. They were SO excited. Next week big bebe is going. Next year I've got to plan this better and send them the same week. Oh that would be a beautiful sanity rescuing week.
On a side note, cause life likes to pull a quick one-two once and a while. Think good thought for me if you would. Prayers would be appreciated. I go in this Friday for my own MRI. 2 things actually that both warrant an MRI. So they'll check 'em out at the same time.
I'm getting to bed early tonight. Hoping that migraine doesn't creep any closer. Hoping I'll be a nicer more level headed person in the morning when I wake up. Praying that peace and rest and resolve find a happy little home in my soul tonight.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
I am also amazed that my views of a person can change so quickly. I make every effort to think of their alternate actions as being bad actions, but that that doesn't make them a bad person. The effort is there but I am failing at believing it...more and more often.
I can deal with and enjoy a wide variety of people. I don't need them to be just like me. But I am FLOORED when there is a general oblivion to life and to feelings. I don't think everyone needs to agree, but why do people have to be SO disrespectful? I believe strongly that it is imperative to live in the moment. TO BE PRESENT. I think our souls are already very vulnerable, and to not be aware, presents an entirely new avenue of evil to reside and make its way in.
To me what this means is don't be drunk, don't do drugs, don't seek any forms of mind altering behavior. It also means to me that we need to know our audience. And yes, it should be to our audience of One. But to me we are all children of God and if we purposely disregard the thoughts and feelings of those around us, then we are not honoring our audience of One. If we are oblivious to the life and needs of our fellow Christians, what are we being oblivious for? To keep our eyes on God? Does God want us to be oblivious? I don't think so. I believe we are called to be present and nurturing and obedient.
My struggle comes when I feel someone has intentionally stepped over the humane, respectful boundary. I don't know how to deal with them.
A friend of mine, I believe, has made a horrible choice, and her child was unfairly put right in the middle of it. She was oblivious to those around her and has severely wounded some relationships, including innocent, fragile child bystanders. It makes me sick. She may be oblivious to the outside world, but let me tell you, the world has a perfectly clear picture of her now.
I went to the movies with some friends for a girl's night out. There were 5 of us and we sat up near the front of the theatre. There was a homeless man seated just behind us. I didn't mind. I thought how nice for him to be able to get to take a break and see a movie. He quickly fell asleep and started snoring. This was annoying but I tried to remember that this is probably the most restful sleep he's had in a long time. THEN we hear what sounds like a soda spilling. Hmmm... no, turn around and this man is so drunk and has his peter out and is peeing all over himself and the seats around him. Seriously?
I work so hard to keep in the right mindset and be accepting and encouraging, welcoming and understanding of all people in all walks of life. And here are two totally different circumstances in the last 4 days that have me ready to throw in the towel. I do pray continuously that the Lord would have me know His will and that he would reveal, even a small portion of what I need to do, or what I need to learn in these situations. These are heavy on my heart. Like heavy HEAVY. I don't know what else to do. So I pray pray pray......