Monday, August 17, 2015


I have been a recluse in my own head these last few days. Putting extra hours in at work, to get us *ahead*. I've been grocery shopping twice. 10 loads of laundry done, everyone has clean sheets and bedding. I put up the curtains in Lu's room that I'd been saying I'd get to for the last 3 months.

Believe it or not (from above) but actually spent good, long, quality time with the kids. We went over the hill to the theatre and saw a good, obnoxious, girl movie. And ate mozzarella sticks and ice cream dibs. We came home and as evening set in, we cuddled. Even the big girls, they are cuddlers and I love that. We slept in on Sunday and had ridiculous amounts of cereal I was not feeling up to playing Monopoly with Bitty (and I SHOULD have... argh) but I DID let her dump out her entire Lego collection on the living room floor and just play.

It was HOT (100°+) Sunday. I grabbed my favorite snuggly blanket and pillow and went outside about 3pm to the shade. I kicked a few leaves away and then plopped down in the shaded corner of the deck and SLEPT for 3 hours. Oh my body. My brain. My stress. My neck and shoulders. My nerves.

I also in my haste to leave everything ahead of schedule, understandable, and noted, paid all the bills thru the next several weeks. I printed a copy of the 'these are our bills and accounts' spreadsheet for hubby. These are due then; I use that 1st paycheck to pay that bill, and then those ones at end for mortgage. These are allllllllllll of the accounts, the websites, the log ins, the passwords. You shouldn't need it, but if you do, it's easy-peasy-lemom-squeezy.

This is what my mind does when I am sick. When I am preparing for scary outcomes. As I'm driving down the road yesterday I think: this may be the last time you see this view - take it ALL in and enjoy it. It hurt my heart to leave my girls at gramma's last night. I hugged them over and over and over again. But they were SO excited for taco night at gram's!!! :)

Meanwhile I am a mess inside. What am I doing? How could I be in a position to have a surgery with 20% risk of severe complications? Was it not enough salads? Was it my genetic make up? Was it worrying about EVERY. POSSIBLE. THING? My girls have lost SO much already. WHAT have I done???? What crisis have I been swept up into that I would allow them to be subject to this? My brain, my sorrow, my heart, my love. It never stops.♡

In better news...
Post-procedure is going pretty well. I have worried for nothing. Post op nausea came on just as expected. Kept on top of that. Pain started to kick up a little, so doc said I should stay a little longer. Settling into my actually comfy (for a hospital) bed watching 27 Dresses on closed caption TYVM.

I am beyond blessed. I DO have a body that can heal. I AM resilient- my mind, my soul, and my body. I am a mom, made of very protective instincts and fibers that will always try to do what is best for my family, my friends, and my precious littles. I got this.

(Hard to keep all in perspective when my gut is saying: PREPARE!)

Just signed off for the night, with this text to the girls:
"Muah muah. Muah muah. Muah muah. A set of muah (kisses) for each of you. One for each cheek. We're french ;) "

Monday, August 10, 2015

Day #40

I did it. Boooo-ya. 40 days. Almost consecutively. Tah-dahhh!

In summary. I can do almost anything if I set my mind to it. But something's gotta give, and most often to blog every night meant less time with my hubby or less interaction with my kids. :/ so, maybe I'm not the best multi-tasker.

One of the things I struggle with is NOT being able to chit chat well. My mood is often perceived as aloof. Gahhh social anxiety Maybe one day.... I .... could just be completely transparent. Maybe some day I could talk to the people close to me about the baggage I still haven't unpacked.

So, if you've kept up thru this 40 day adventure, thank you :).

My next bag to unpack and share is that I am having surgery at Stanford a week from today and I am scared out of my mind. I have what I fondly refer to as my cranky-panky. I have a little issue with my pancreas, liver, kidneys, that I've had for a while... but it's just getting worse. My surgery is not an intensive surgery, on the lesser invasive side, but, has a 20% chance of complication. I have put it off for months trying to face that, but the time is now.

My life will be far more enjoyable without a cranky-panky, without liver overload and damage, and without chronic kidney infections that just.dont.quit. Not to mention the obvious pain. I could really go for a down shift in pain. Really.

If you're the praying kind, pray for me? Or send good thoughts, light a candle. I'd appreciate it.

Sunday, August 9, 2015

Day #39

I'm a fricken hero. I took the kids back to school shopping and didn't lose my cool. Maybe cuz I never was cool, but that's a post for another time.

No body knows how to run checks?? Why? Is it weird that I don't want to put it on my credit card? No interest fees for me thankyouverymuch. I'm learning how to be an adult, so don't slow my process, yo. No ATM card for me because it's sooooo easy to take $$ out and then, and then, it's alllll gone. Take my checks, dammit!

So then by the 3rd store who 'could' take a check but didn't know HOW, I succumbed to the evil credit card usage. But on the 4th store, it was declined! Why, you ask, because they never see transactions like this from me! (Shocker!) I always use cash or check for this crap. Uggghhhhhh.

Declined credit card over the hill= hungry, unfed kids, crankiness, headaches, and just low lying panic. Butt.... we are done shopping and Little Bitty got a perfect pink backpack with moose on it. ♡

Ps. Stay at home moms (who, notably, do not have it easier) are always SO flippen skinny :/ I waaaannnntttt my waist back. I want my body to like me again, and stop this revolting. Blehhhh. Rant over

Friday, August 7, 2015

Day #38

What do I want my children to know?

1. True love is real.
2. Don't settle.
3. Real life hurts real bad.
4. Don't underestimate effort and time.
5. Laugh often.
6. Listen to the stories.
7. Volunteer.
8. Find a job you LOVE.
9. Do what is just not what is justified.
10. Follow your heart.
11. Walk the walk of someone you disagree with.
12. Don't jump to conclusions.
13. Be open to love, life, faith.
14. Invest in friendships.
15. Surround yourself with music, nature, creativity.
16. You can't change anyone's mind if you set out to.
17. Live your truth.
18. You can't hate anyone into heaven.
19. Love requires sacrifice. Both ways.
20. You are worth it.
♡ ♡ ♡

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Day #37

Here from my bed, I am watching the most amazing thunder and lightning storm! This is incredible!

I am a lover of *most* God-made things. (We exclude snakes, rats, hurricanes, tornadoes, and depending on who's cooking, brussel sprouts.)

This is exactly what I needed. A little summertime rain to cleanse the soul, and a lightning show to remind me just how glorious this world can be.

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Day #36

I am a wild child at heart, but a recluse born of comfort and consistency. I am a lover of most things, including people, falling deeply attached, except when they don't stop talking... breathe! I thrive on cold, country night air when I'm all bundled up. I feel ALIVE when I can feel the cold air come into my lungs.

I am Plain Jane. I don't stand out; I blend right in. Most days my preference is that I'm completely invisible. I like to be with people in the sense that we are enjoying things together, or at the same time. But I'd love to be invisible in that crowd behind my big sunglasses.

I am steadfast and set in my ways. It is comfortable and... predictable. Anything unknown, no matter how small or insignificant, will start my heart just tripping over itself, beating as fast as needed to get out of my body and far far away.

I try to do the right thing, never mind the 5 miles longer, skepticism, or panic I must ride out. And, if you know me, I couple this shy, introvet life with a wicked tongue when I boil over and am in a safe place to unleash.

I can't multiply or add big numbers in my head. I can't remember the words to songs without them written out. Until then, the song is just sounds, one after the next, so that's what I sing. I am so, totally, dyslexic. More so with whole words, not just letters.

I am easily distracted by noise. If you chew a chip and that chip isn't totally in your mouth yet or you chew with your mouth open, even one bite, you are as good as dead to me. It literally pains me. If I don't have to eat with people, I won't. It's gross, and I need to get on with my day.

I am creative in spurts. I am not one for mess or chaos. Tho, funny, my life is notably particularly so.

I am captivated by music. Most kinds, especially live music. I breathe acoustic guitars, the cello, violin, piano. All day long if I could.

I am a lot of things. But mostly just me.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Day #35

Today was a day for recollection and reflection. And none of it on purpose.

A gal at work was talking about sewing patches on her daughter's junior lifeguard suit in preparation for tomorrow. Suprisingly that is all. it. takes. To get my mental wheels turning and cranking those old memories right up to the surface.

Two days before James left for Okinawa he was promoted. Awesome sauce. The night before shipping out I was trying to convince him to sleep. And I was sewing (trying) to sew the new chevrons on his 3 uniforms.

He could not sleep. He was hallucinating a little. I was only a little alarmed. I knew he was scared and worried. I knew he was distraught that that they would ship to Okinawa, and then be told they were deploying from there -no time to say goodbye to family and friends. Maybe I should have tuned in more to those hallucinations. They weren't major or frightening, only a little off.

He refused to leave my side. He insisted on trying to rest on the couch while I sewed on his chevrons. Normally, on base there is a seamstress who does this. But this was last minute; he was leaving at 4am. I likely wouldn't get to sleep before he left. I'd be slewing the whole time.

Well..I'm not a sew-er. I can re-hem an inch of the pant leg if it gets a snag. I can re attach a button. How difficult could it be to sew these chevron patches on (one on each sleeve, of each of the 3 uniforms.) HARD!!! Those little bastard child chevrons ate my fingers up. The patches were SO thick. I don't own a thimble. "Buck up, self. Your husband is a Marine. Ready to sacrifice all, and you can't sew on some measly patches!" I'd push the needle in to the next spot and see the needle disappear. I'd turn it over to grab it from the other side and thread it through BUT it wasn't there. What the heck!?!?

Needle lost? No! The needle was in my finger. Yes IN my finger. How is this possible? Because I'd been sewing SO long, first my fingers hurt, but now they were numb! These little invasive needles over and over again embedded themselves in my chubby, numb fingers. Since I couldn't feel anymore, not being able to feel the needle was a problem. And, whoomp whoomp, my fingers started to bleed. I bled ALL over his chevrons and uniform sleeves.

No one would notice, right? I mean, for a Marine, it would be more manly (or somethimg) to have BLOOD on your uniform, right?

No. James was HORRIFIED. But what else could be done? He said "NOT your wife's blood!"

Today, as I recalled that night, when I got to the: NOT YOUR WIFE part, I was also instantly reminded that James also refused and was appalled when someone called a white ribbed tank top, a wife-beater. No. No no no. He renamed them WIFE LOVER shirts. Not once after that did he call it by anything else.

There was no lack of love on his part.

I think that's part of the pain. No lack of love. ♡

Monday, August 3, 2015

Day #34

Little Bitty got her little bitty soccer gear today.

New fridge (gifted) and new microwave (our old one threw a clot) have made the kitchen look fancy.

Lu is thoroughly enjoying the internship. And this morn got 'caught' eating applesauce and in her flip flops waiting for her ride (from the lawyer.) She quickly finished up her applesauce, kicked off her flips, and swiftly put them both in the mailbox. :/

Nat went to the doc today. When it was time for the physical exam, the doc asked if she could pull up nat's shirt a bit to feel around her tummy. Doc was SO surprised to see Larry! Larry would be the smiley face she drew with a SHARPIE on her rolly belly parts. She can also make him talk. It never ends, people. I can NEVER quite anticipate what will come next.

That's a wrap, folks.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Day #33

Some days I need an attitude adjustment. I'd like to think that this is not the norm. Today is one of those days.

I have nothing to complain about. I have my new hubby, healthy kids, a home, a job, running water, enough money to buy a weeks worth of groceries today, my new church, good friends and good fam. I am blessed. Oh, Choco Vodka too. Add that to the blessed list.

Why would someone be picky, argumentative, extra sensitive, moody when life in big picture is full? I'm sure there's some decent reasons, but none that I can justify... PMS-ing, woke up on the wrong side if the bed, you're chewing too loud, I didn't get enough sleep, I have a headache.

I am guilty of being far too sensitive today. I snapped when I shouldn't. I griped about trivial things; I too can make cutting remarks, nothing that I am proud off.

It was a good day today and I let it be ruined. What a crock of crap I can be.. ugh!!!
Why? I wish I could wear my insecurities somewhere other than my relationships and let those harsh words escape my lips. I am human and I feel, but I wish I didn't lash out.

My hair is SO frizzy, I've been so good about NOT eating crap and haven't dropped a pound, my jeans done fit, I am sick, is this too much house and responsibility, how did I get here, biggest zits ever -shouldn't this have stopped in my teens, will hubby get his promotion, there's always that one person who can't keep their word, never keeps plans, why am I not good enough for them? (if you're reading this-- it's not you! ♡). I slept til 11 today and it was amazing, but I prob should have gone running. This will eat at me all day. Do I have to get up and speak at work tokorrow? Most days I think life is ambushing me.

For some, there is an underlying reason for the insecurities. That is they key. How does one get there?

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Day #32

I LOVE the weekends. Sleep in a bit. Roll my weary body out of bed. Breathe the mountain air. I also sleep with the bedroom balcony door open almost every night. This air... I can't get enough.

As is our routine, we head out and grab breakfast to go, most Saturdays. Today we made our way down to a smaller, less frequented beach. It was gorgeous.

Beach, babes, breakfast. The air was cool and peaceful , and the sand was warm. The waves were crashing and so soothing. And then the dolphins joined us a put on a little show. There was maybe 7 of them. We just sat, quiet, in awe, seeing this beauty, breathing the amazing air, content.

These are my moments, my home base, my recharge. I've lived enough in survival mode. I am a much, much more thoughtful, longterm, grounded, self preserving contributer to society. Must remember that my health, heart, soul, mind must bed fed literally and spiritually of hearty, healthy matter if I plan on sticking around.