I had a dream last night. Eh, I should probably back up. I've moved! (We've moved!) There was a grand plan that didn't work, but in the end we moved to a remote side of our little town and we are very happy in our little warm cubby hole in the redwoods. Pictures to come. Oh, I also have no TV, internet, or cell service at my new house, hence no postings since who knows when!!! Hmmm... so tranquil.
I've been sick. Again. I have a love hate relationship with doctors. I work in a hospital. It's weird to be sick in an environment where some people know all your business. And your boss knows nothing. And insurance is a nightmare when you have to go out of network-- EVEN FOR ME! It's true. *le sigh*
The majority of my staff was laid off. It was like the longest drawn out death EVER. The people I've loved all these years, do not love me anymore. I am the enemy. I am now the face of their hard working years flushed down the drains. I fought tooth and nail, pulled out every stop.
I had a dream last night. I was trying to park the truck. James' truck. I was trying to back it in to a tight spot on the cliff side of a mountain. I was close to having it parallel, and then the back tire slipped. I hit the gas and must have just dug a deeper rut and then I feel the back of the truck sink and then I could feel the truck sliding, sliding, sliding, dammitttt.... rolling crashing trees, boulders, crashing in through the window shield. I have been here before. Oh my God I'm going to die.
Yep it was that dream. Or in that category of dreams.
The anxiety is up. Not even knowingly. I *think* everything is fine. REALLY. A few Fridays ago Admin had an all day off-site interactive meeting. It required ACTIVE particiaption on behalf of everyone. Including me.... boo. I am not a speak-upper. I'm a reflecter, deflecter. I select my words carefully, after thinking about them for a long time. I was a very good girl. I participated. I raised my hand. I was not the last person to be called on. I did not hide. Behind the curtain, under the table or otherwise. I was the speaker for my group when we presented.
I was SOOOO proud of me when I left that evening. It was a very HARD (emotionally? outward, methodical, dedicated marathon of a day...) to me. I got to Safeway to buy groceries and could feel something happening about the cereal aisle. My chest was tight. My head was a little spinny. I only shopped for essentials after that, and headed toward the check out. The check out man was nice, but the bagger boy would.not.shut.up. By this time I was having trouble breathing. His words were circling my head... waiting to attack. No rest. I got out and RAN (with my cart) to my car. Once in the car full blown panic attack. Then, text from Nick.
Nick: We are out of propane for the BBQ.
Nick: Can you get some?
Nick: Just stop by the gas station, go in and tell them you need one for a BBQ.
He calls me. "Babe, just go in. You tell them you need a propane tank for a BBQ- you need to buy one, not fill one up. Super easy."
Me: "I just-- go in and do that?
Me: "Just like that"
Nick: "Just like that"
Me: "Just like that"
Nick: What is the matter"
Me: "I think I'm having an issue"
Just like that. ALL of my outward energy had been ALL used up. I didn't have a single ounce left. Really. Truly. I felt like my heart, and soul, and privacy, and innards had all been turned inside out and were all just hanging out there. All exposed.
I told our new Worship Team Leader at church about a song I'd like for us to maybe sing. He got back to me a few weeks later and said it wouldn't sound good for a male voice to sing. Whooommp whomp. "So I think you should." OMG. You people are killing me. I just need to be appreciated and loved. I'm glad you have faith in me. Insert next panic attack here.