When the going gets tough, I put on my blinders, pray for a guardian angel, and try not to think. Just DO. Do what needs to be done, DO DO DO, thinking leads to worrying and that can happen later. Unfortunately I know well how to be numb. I don't like it, but it's a survival technique I suppose.
Big Bebe's MRI came back completely clear which is a blessing. Looks like we'll have about 2 visits a week to Lucile Packard for the next several weeks. Pending the results of those appointments, then we will get a game plan. Amen for my ipod, these car rides are consuming me. I am LOVING the time I'm getting to spend with her, just one on one. She's 9 and sassy, but she's a good, sweet, thoughtful, sensitive kid. More than anything I just want her to get to be a kid. I don't want her to feel she IS this disease. I don't want that to be her identity. It doesn't define her. I don't want to pretend like nothing's wrong either. I want a lot of things and I don't know how to make them all happen. So I pray.
I pray that my other kids don't resent me for spending so much time away with her. This is their childhood too. It shouldn't be defined by her disease either. They should just get to be kids. Kids who make mud pies and climb up the trees and get poison oak. Kids who go swimming with grandma and have sleep overs with friends, and get to spend time with their mama too.
I've always believed that no matter what the situation, no matter how tragic, hurtful or painful, that there is always a way to channel that experience, frame it in a way that will promote love and healing and personal progress. I know we will each learn something, remember something from this tough time. I pray that I can provide an environment for my kids that is conducive to their needs, collectively. And in years to come, they can look back and know that they learned something from this too.
.....Fear not for I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you…..seek me with all of your heart and I will reveal myself to you….
I pray I can keep my eyes on Him, and soldier through this.