Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Being Me

My brain thinks of lots of odd things when I'm not feeling well. I still haven't kicked this migraine yet. And with that, and a slight fever that comes and goes, lots of sleep, plenty of medication, big pink elephants in the living room and such...these dreams that manifest themselves in this chaotic, cryptic mind of mine, are really something else. It's at times like these that it doesn't seem so odd that those famous writers, composers, poets, and musicians did their best work when they were crazy out of their minds. Too bad I'm just crazy and have nothing else to show for it. Hmph.

My mind does not rest at night. It never has. Even as a child and all the way through school, I would figure things out in the middle of the night. Those ridiculous math analysis formulas never made sense in class. But give me the motivation and a good night's sleep and I'd have it figured out by morning.
Many times I feel lost. Lost in my mind, my identity lost as a mom, lost in every day life and in this world. I'm mostly comfortable being quiet and keeping to myself, but appreciate being noticed. On a rare venture I may step out of this realm and sneak my foot just a little farther past my boundaries than I am used to. Sometimes I find success, and mostly I don't. Retreat and I have a common understanding.

I know we are not to have idols. But tell me where is the line between being challenged to be something you know you should/could be, and idolization? Are we not to look up to those around us, as a way of encouraging ourselves further? I don't think God's intention was for us to not consider these. If the capacity in which one is growing is to further the glory of God and spread His love, I would think it should be OK. But it's not always so simple.

Have you ever had that one person that no matter what you did, you could never (in your eyes) even compare? This is where I find a constant struggle. There is that one person that I am always trying to please, understand, be just like. But I will never be good enough. I will never compare. I will never measure up. I think I've fooled myself into thinking that I could be closer to God, I would be a better follower, and be more loved by Him, if I could be just like this other person. It's ugly. I've spent YEARS trying this and that, so I could be just like them...

In my somewhat delusional migraine infused dreams last night this was the constant dream. What can I do? What can I change? I should be more like this. I shouldn't do that, blah blah blah. When I woke up I realized this is NOT what I want, and it certainly can't be what God wants either. I can and should be challenged, but I shouldn't have to change who I am to accomplish that. Perhaps just fine tune things to be a better me. Keep a keen eye out for ways of sharing God's grace and love and mercy. Be open. And remember:I can't be me if I'm trying to be them.

This all makes perfect sense to me now, but the real challenge will be putting it into action. Not so much changing what I do, but why I do the things I do. It's the little internal voice that I need to have a come-to-Jesus talk with....and with a quickness. Maybe one day it will let me free, and I too can fly....

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