Monday, June 16, 2008

Not a Statement

My plate is full... of MANY good things, and some not so good things that take up most of the time in my head. I like being busy because then I'm just kind of on auto pilot. It's when I slow down that I actually have time to think and ponder and wonder and worry. Sometimes it's good. Other times not so much.

I've been busy this past week. I wonder if I made it that way on purpose. So I don't have to think? It must be how I cope sometimes. Some VERY good things are in my midst. But I am consumed with the rest though. Hubby found out FOR SURE he will need another surgery. This is devastating. DEVASTATING. He BARELY made it out of the last one alive. He will need his spine re-fused AGAIN. Since the first attempt did not work through his back, the next attempt will be to access his spine through his stomach. This will compromise not just his spine but all of his internal organs and muscles too. Oh My God. I do NOT mean that as a statement or a curse. I mean that as a cry for soul knowing that the ONLY chance he can pull through this is by the grace of God alone.

My mind and body feel like I'm just chugging up the incline of a roller coast ride... chug chug chug... and it's okay and a little fun, but really terrifying and the anticipation is killing me and as soon as I hit the top my stomach will drop and I'll think "what am I doing?" and then I'll try to hold on to something and I start the free fall down, but it's no use holding on, and my hands will fly up and I will need to surrender and know that I am NOT IN CONTROL.

We had a guest speaker at church on Sunday. He is one of my favorites. He was talking about our relationships with each other...and that if we knew our mother/father/sister/spouse was just about to die that we would act completely different with them. I KNOW. This hits too close to home. It hurts. When we brought Mama home from the hospital we knew it was so she could die at home... in her own nightgown in her own bed. If I've done one thing right in my life it's been to take care of her like I did when she was dying. I did EVERYTHING within my power for her and I have NO regrets, no un-finished business with her. I made her meals though I knew she wouldn't eat them. I learned how to do her dialysis exchanges and did them at least 6 times a day. I washed and combed her hair and watched it come out in clumps. I painted her toe nails hot pink. I talked to her about the kids and Hubby's Marine stories. I put layer upon layer of lotion on her dying skin and watched it crumble in my hands. I climbed into bed and held her and kissed her forehead and knew this could be the last time. I KNOW. Don't make me go through this again. Please.

I feel like I'm about to lose Hubby too. I cannot get away from the mentality that this could be it.

I find that things that I've put off are now getting done. I should feel good about this but I don't. Because I know WHY I feel they need to be done now. I am so thankful that I didn't have any un-finished business with Mama. But is scares me the way I seem to 'prepare' for the worst with Hubby. Part of it must be good, relationship-wise much more efficient to not even bother with the little nit-picky things. I am trying to see the good in all this....but I am scared to death. I know that everything will happen in its own time, on God's clock, and I hate that I am not in control and yet thankful that I can step back and think that this world is SO much bigger than I am, thank God I don't have to shoulder all of this and figure out how it all works out. And then there is peace...for a few sacred moments at least...until my wheels start turning again and then the worry and the headaches return. Will there be rest for the weary? How close am I to my turn?

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