I'm on a hunt. For what you ask? I'm not sure I know. What is it then? I can't quite put my finger on it. But my soul is telling me that something is missing, and so, I am hunting. Are you picking up what I'm putting down? My soul is yearning for something more, something deeper, something different and anchoring and decisive...something....well...to fill a void I guess.
I feel like my life depends on it. I know that it's God. At least I get that much. The Holy Spirit is telling me (from what I can ascertain) that I am not done. There is much to do to prepare this weathered soul for the kingdom of God. So I better get a move on already. Now if I could just figure out what it was.
There are a few things that I've found bring me to a heightened awareness of God, when I can feel his presence: when I play the piano, when I sing, when I forgive someone who has hurt me, when I am about to drift off to sleep, when I am able to be completely selfless. It's the most awesome feeling, captivating actually. I close my eyes and allow myself to be taken in and lost in the moment. I picture Jesus and me standing together and the world is spinning around us but in a glorious way. Each time this happens, I mentally take a snapshot of my emotion and then tuck it away in my memory banks for a time when I may need to call on it again to know and remind myself that God IS real.
What I want is more of these times. Am I greedy? I have to work on myself to be able to do each of these. It takes hard work and effort and time to get any of these done. I am also beginning to realize that I don't need to limit myself to just these few ways that I have found. I know that there's more. But where? And that is why I must hunt.
There must be something that I am being called to do, but my perception must be cloudy, or my heart not in the right place, or something unfaithful or untrustworthy that I am preoccupied with that is keeping me from knowing what it is. I know that it's major. The Holy spirit is not letting up. It's pleading with me to continue the search because my life does depend on it. I feel like there's a battle getting ready to boil to the top inside me. Jesus must win.
It's so odd to me. With a good book, I have to read the whole thing to get to the end to see how it all turns out. All I have to do is read it. And I love reading it. But with life, each day is a struggle, every single day, even though I know what the prize is at the end. I know the answer is Jesus. He is my prize. I think I'll just take this one day at a time. Tomorrow I will live my life and LOVE the process of getting to the end. Maybe it isn't all about the end prize. Maybe it's about the journey and how I get there.