Monday, October 11, 2010

The Unbloggable

I've been on radio silence for the past several days, save the absolutely necessary birthday pic of Emi. I don't know what I feel, and I when I do and I say it, it doesn't come out right, and then I'm worse off than when I started. There are creepy crawly eyes who read this blog too, and I haven't figured out what I'm going to do about it yet, if anything. So I just stew.

This past week and the week to come I have started tackling an almost un-tackle-able job. If you're close enough you know what this is, and if you aren't- then you don't. It's vital and important, and pain staking, and a constant reminder of mortality.

It reminds me that I have no idea how to survive when not in survival mode. And that's too bad. I've been stuck in it for so long, I almost NEED it. And I HATE that. I hardly hate anything. But I HATE that. Ick.

The most recent blow, was that the funeral home never started the military paperwork for the cemetery marker for James. He is supposed to get a special one for being in service, and it takes about 6 months for the whole process. Approaching the 6 month mark I called his Lt, and she called his Sergeant to see how far along it was. Well, it wasn't. It wasn't even started. Totally possible that I missed that when I was trying to get everything handled for the funeral and burial, but I SWEAR I talked about it with the funeral director and gave him the papers he needed. I am not about to wait another 6 months. So this weekend I finalized a headstone order with a private company. Ya know when you say your vows, you say FOREVER, till death do us part. What I put on the headstone will also be FOREVER. Longer than forever, at least MY forever. I don't like the uncertainty that I feel when I say that. It's really, really icky.

Not surprisingly, this has turned into a rant instead of something more practical, but so be it. What else feels icky that I remind other people of James, and that makes them sad... so I'm avoided. I'm losing out on not having James here, in addition to the loss of these other friendships. It doesn't seem fair. THEY remind ME of James, and so I'm drawn to them more. I want to hear their stories and just be around them, 'cause then I feel just a little closer to James too. But they pull back, and so must I.

Thank God again for the handful of friends who I can share an entire conversation with, with just a look of the eyes. Or the cross country friend who knows exactly WHEN I need to hear from her, and exactly WHAT I need to hear. I am blessed in little but mighty ways.


Keidi said...

What a terrible, unimaginable/unthinkable therefore hard to prepare for effect, having people not want to be around you because you remind them of James. They should work their grief, go through it, not avoid it and avoid you. And in honoring James they should take you in! Easy for me to say, but, just saying it anyway.

I appreciate your words, doesn't feel like a rant, just feels like the real deal of a very hard time. Thanks again for sharing.

Jennifer said...

I didn't feel the rant. This is your blog, and whatever you want to put in here is ok. As for the creepy eyes, you can make it a password protected blog and only let those people that are going to be supportive in. I'm also willing to fly down and whoop some behind if you'd like.

Meggie, my love. Every time I think of James I think of you. And every time I think of you I think of him. I can see where some of your friends may have stepped back. The worst part isn't missing James, it's knowing that how much we miss him doesn't even compare to what you're going through. Nothing can make it better, nothing can make it ok. So, as your friend, and someone who adored him, I find myself at a loss if I think about it too much. So, I don't think about that part of it when I'm talking to you.

I don't know if those friends even realize they are pulling away. If you can, let them know what you're feeling from them. My guess is that they're so concerned with making it worse for you and they don't know how to react. It's not fair to you, but I can see how it could happen.

I love you. I love that you have this blog. I wish I could hug you in person. Soon...