I will not start this blog writing that it's been a tough week. It has. And as I look back, they all have. So when that changes, I'll let you know. Until then... going forward: assume it's been another tough one until I say otherwise.
Being a wife was the hardest thing I have ever done. Being a parent is second. A daughter to a dying mother third.
I am steady and stuck at second. I am straddling that base as if my life depends on it, and that of my children.
I spent a great deal of time in my late teen years and into my 20's knowing my mom was dying. One day it would take its toll. I knew this. I tried to save her and I couldn't, but I tried anyhow. I knew James was sick also, but I couldn't wrap my head around it. I couldn't name it or mark it or get anyone else to see it along with me. I tried to save him too, absolutely believing that I COULD save him. Ultimately my love was not enough. I was not enough. His hurt was not visible enough to be validated by the rest of the outside world, but strong enough for death to beckon him home 2 weeks after our oldest daughter turned 11.
My parental instinct is to shelter and protect these precious girls. Lead them lovingly and wisely through the next several years that present their own challenges. I don't want them to feel a moment more of pain. A hopeless feeling that daddy is gone. The questions, the doubt, the confusion of not knowing, and being powerless in spite of it all.
I don't think there is any way to TEACH disappointment and nor would I WANT to. But there has to be something in me that ALLOWS these girls to feel a bit of it. I don't WANT them to FEEL it either, but I want to allow the opportunities, as they present themselves, to be FACED... with each of the girls with their sissies and me by their side to stand up and say we will get through this. I don't like broken hearts and I despise disappointment... is there something, though, within the hurt and within the pain, that will emerge beautifully anew eventually? Prove it's not all for naught? God, I hope so.