Thursday, September 23, 2010

I feel distinctively like I'm caught in a train that is crashing and I can't escape.

I think in short thoughts. To the point. Think it's the only kind of thoughts my head can contain right now. As everything spins around out of control, I will think short little thoughts to maintain a sense of peace. The only thing I can control.

I am rapidly approaching the 6 month mark of James' death and my brakes are on. All the way. To the floor. 150 days in. 13 to go. I like numbers. The are whole. Not broken. They are fact. They do not deceive. They are straight forward, without ulterior motives. They don't have stupid feelings. Like me. And those who I continue to alienate. I promise I don't mean to.

Having a hard time blogging anything these days. For fear of the backlash. For fear of acknowledgement. For fear of anyone validating or questioning my feelings in public. It's all the same pain. I can't tell the difference.

I have a hard time looking at my blog, and looking at my ABOUT ME bio. I suppose that's who I used to be. I'm not that person anymore. And I don't know what to put. Maybe I just need to take it down all together. Then I'm not so clearly a hypocrite.

My heart is raw, and my soul hasn't a clue what its supposed to do. It keeps searching and crawling.... Trying to find something blindly by its side... anything...

And one last thought, shared with me by a friend:


Lauren said...

Love you.

Keidi said...

I don't know what's happening for you, Meggie, or the backlash of the blog. I only know that we come and read it because we care about you and your family, not to judge or question. And your words of pain are so true and raw and that makes them beautiful, even through the pain and rawness/raw painfulness. And every time I read your updates, however they come, I feel so honored to read. Its probably not your intention to be teaching us, (neither should you feel pressured to do so!) but I feel that I learn so much from your posts: about carrying on however shitty the work of grieving, handling, caring for, holding it together (or not), interacting, even breathing is. And it helps me pray. So thank you, and I'm praying for moments of peace, however brief, so you get a freakin' break already!!!

shelbysgrandma said...

If someone doesn't like what you write in your blog - they shouldn't read it. It is yours, the feelings are yours and NO ONE can tell you how to feel.