I'm in a state of total, complete disbelief. Miss Maddy was found last night, dead and dumped in a dumpster. 26 hours after reported missing. They think she was dead before the mom even reported it. My heart is broken wide open. Just take all of my feels and hang em out and drag them on the ground. I am riddled with pain.
I cannot even begin to understand. WHO hurts a child!?!?!?!?
I sit here with Emi next to me on the couch, and I am speechless. My heart alternating between such great pain and being numb. What would I ever do, God forbid this happen to me or someone close to me. I could.not.go.on.
I look at Emi and her perfect little goofy tooth grin, and her little bitty shoulders. My heart is hurting over the loss and manner of death of Maddy. We are called to protect. It is my honor and complete and total privilege to have these kids. Precious babies. I do not understand.
These are crank the radio, roll the windows down, drive to the green rolling hills for miles and sing LOUDLY. Deep and from the soul. Let it out. Don't give me any of that happy, chipper crap. I need mournful, thoughtful, REAL music to move me.
I have a LOT of questions for God right now. I am mad and angry and feel abandoned. Our (town's) children needed a God that night, a savior to step in. How was she held in His palm, cherished, and loved unconditionally, yet this happened. Ball's in your court, G-man. I'm out.
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Monday, July 27, 2015
Day #27
So my head is spinning. A little 8 year old girl went missing yesterday in Santa Cruz. She is just about the same age as Emi. Oh my heart. It is breaking. Apart.
The Sheriff's have been combing the area by foot, helicopter, with dogs. The FBI is here, and swift water rescue, The Polly Claas Foundation, and the Red Cross.
I want to go out there and search. I don't want to step on any toes. I don't want to be in the way. But I feel compelled to help. What else is there to do? Let me feed you. Oh Red Cross has that covered. Can I feed the Red Cross people? Can I feed the spouses of the Sheriff's who are home alone while spouses work on this search?
My mommy brain is not turning off. As I'm driving I'm checking every child I pass. I searched my property. I told my kids all about this. We need to pray. We need to keep ourselves safe. But I don't want to jade them. Right? They need to know, but we don't need to hunker down and never talk to a stranger again.
And then another part of me remembers a few years back when a hike went missing locally. Missing for days and police and dogs hiked, searched, sniffed everywhere. No luck. Then on day 5 or 6 or something a dad and his kid decoded to go to one of the well known hiking spots but take some lesser known trails. They needed to exercise, and the might as well be of use. And you know what??? They found the hiker! Slightly injured but mostly disoriented. But police had searched here already... um... well clearly not everywhere! Thanks to this citizen who'd been instructed to stand down, the hiker was found!
That just ruffles my feathers a bit. Must search over and over and over and over. Anything is possible.
The Sheriff's have been combing the area by foot, helicopter, with dogs. The FBI is here, and swift water rescue, The Polly Claas Foundation, and the Red Cross.
I want to go out there and search. I don't want to step on any toes. I don't want to be in the way. But I feel compelled to help. What else is there to do? Let me feed you. Oh Red Cross has that covered. Can I feed the Red Cross people? Can I feed the spouses of the Sheriff's who are home alone while spouses work on this search?
My mommy brain is not turning off. As I'm driving I'm checking every child I pass. I searched my property. I told my kids all about this. We need to pray. We need to keep ourselves safe. But I don't want to jade them. Right? They need to know, but we don't need to hunker down and never talk to a stranger again.
And then another part of me remembers a few years back when a hike went missing locally. Missing for days and police and dogs hiked, searched, sniffed everywhere. No luck. Then on day 5 or 6 or something a dad and his kid decoded to go to one of the well known hiking spots but take some lesser known trails. They needed to exercise, and the might as well be of use. And you know what??? They found the hiker! Slightly injured but mostly disoriented. But police had searched here already... um... well clearly not everywhere! Thanks to this citizen who'd been instructed to stand down, the hiker was found!
That just ruffles my feathers a bit. Must search over and over and over and over. Anything is possible.
Saturday, July 25, 2015
Day #26
This morn I picked up my girl from camp. As I saw her and ran toward her with our arms open... she ran right past me to Emi. Ugh... just LOVE me BACK, kid.
We did things a little different this morn. We went home quick after pick up since camp isn't that far. Put in a load of laundry (yay laundry!)
Then we made our way to the big town, grabbed breakfast to go, and went to Sky Park for picnic style breakfast. This was like 10am. It was SO gorgeous. Beautiful sky, so clear, grass for days, and my sweet girls laughing and catching up. This. Is. Living.
Fresh air and a little perspective can re-shape any day.
We did things a little different this morn. We went home quick after pick up since camp isn't that far. Put in a load of laundry (yay laundry!)
Then we made our way to the big town, grabbed breakfast to go, and went to Sky Park for picnic style breakfast. This was like 10am. It was SO gorgeous. Beautiful sky, so clear, grass for days, and my sweet girls laughing and catching up. This. Is. Living.
Fresh air and a little perspective can re-shape any day.
Friday, July 24, 2015
Day #25
This is my life... almost simultaneously the following 3 things happened. No joke.
1. My garbage disposal eats my last favorite ice cream eating spoon. WHO in their right mind can eat dulce de leche Häagen-Dazs with a grinded spoon?
2. Emi looks up at me with the sweetest, most sorrowful face EVER. 'Mama... (BIG EYES)... I haven't done ANY headstands AT ALL today.... Can I please?'
3. Home phone rings. (Who calls us anyhow?) Hubby answers the phone "BUENO!" Oh, they think Nat may have broken her finger at
camp.... Does this surprise anyone? Nope!
TGIF!!!
1. My garbage disposal eats my last favorite ice cream eating spoon. WHO in their right mind can eat dulce de leche Häagen-Dazs with a grinded spoon?
2. Emi looks up at me with the sweetest, most sorrowful face EVER. 'Mama... (BIG EYES)... I haven't done ANY headstands AT ALL today.... Can I please?'
3. Home phone rings. (Who calls us anyhow?) Hubby answers the phone "BUENO!" Oh, they think Nat may have broken her finger at
camp.... Does this surprise anyone? Nope!
TGIF!!!
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Day #24
I just want to flush!
Amazing plumbing guys ordered parts and were sched to return here later today.... in the meantime... got up early and got my giddy up on and ready for work. Still sick. Whatev. Life goes on... or does it?
Got to work after several sick days off. Instantly reminded of the bathroom shortage there too. Oy. Take your pick: #1 Use the facilities dept men's bathroom, 2 feet from their desks, but they're not always there. Just gotta stalk them and strike when the iron's HOT. Or, #2 since main bathrooms being renovated use the (actually) very very nice porta-potties.... which are positioned right next to where the construction guys take break and eat snack and lunch on the curb where the porta potty rests. Boo. I'll hold it.
But *this* day was in my favor. It's Melly ' s 2nd bday today. This makes my heart smile. Then I got a text from Hubby that the WATER IS ON! OhMyStars. Bring it on home. And for the icing on the cake, a letter from the IRS. .. dun dun dun... my taxes were wrong... they owe me a real-true-life-no-lie refund!! Sweet, incredible relief. Now I can pay the water man. :)
Yay me!
Amazing plumbing guys ordered parts and were sched to return here later today.... in the meantime... got up early and got my giddy up on and ready for work. Still sick. Whatev. Life goes on... or does it?
Got to work after several sick days off. Instantly reminded of the bathroom shortage there too. Oy. Take your pick: #1 Use the facilities dept men's bathroom, 2 feet from their desks, but they're not always there. Just gotta stalk them and strike when the iron's HOT. Or, #2 since main bathrooms being renovated use the (actually) very very nice porta-potties.... which are positioned right next to where the construction guys take break and eat snack and lunch on the curb where the porta potty rests. Boo. I'll hold it.
But *this* day was in my favor. It's Melly ' s 2nd bday today. This makes my heart smile. Then I got a text from Hubby that the WATER IS ON! OhMyStars. Bring it on home. And for the icing on the cake, a letter from the IRS. .. dun dun dun... my taxes were wrong... they owe me a real-true-life-no-lie refund!! Sweet, incredible relief. Now I can pay the water man. :)
Yay me!
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Day #23
My ice cream has tine marks in it. This is a good representation of my day. I've resorted to eating my ice cream with a fork.
Still sick. Strep negative. No water. No bueno.
Maybe water tomorrow. Mayyybeeee Friday. Maybe. Limited flushing, no dishwashing, sponge baths, hydrate with... liquor? Argh.
Heading back to work tomorrow. We'll see how that goes. I'll keep to myself and not kiss anyone. But if the soaking sweats return with fever, I'm out.
Yes I have bottles of water. No this isn't the end of the world. But I'm cautiously reminiscent of my verrrryyyyy meager beginnings, life in a trailer, and no running water. Quite humbling.
Still sick. Strep negative. No water. No bueno.
Maybe water tomorrow. Mayyybeeee Friday. Maybe. Limited flushing, no dishwashing, sponge baths, hydrate with... liquor? Argh.
Heading back to work tomorrow. We'll see how that goes. I'll keep to myself and not kiss anyone. But if the soaking sweats return with fever, I'm out.
Yes I have bottles of water. No this isn't the end of the world. But I'm cautiously reminiscent of my verrrryyyyy meager beginnings, life in a trailer, and no running water. Quite humbling.
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Day #22
I think I missed a day... I really only know that because blogger told me.
I am sicker. Strep test still pending. But it doesn't FEEL like strep. so there's that. But I don't remember my throat ever hurting so bad, for so long. And when I sneeze, oh man, literally feels like my uvula just tore off. Then there's the fevers. Good times! No.
Also, our power went out last week, but then came back on but as a brown out. Then off and on and off and on and brown. No biggie. Power goes out all the time here in the sticks. Wellllllllll... it fried part of our pump system from the spring at the bottom of the property. And our holding tank was down to like... 1000 gallons... oh and the flood in the basement. FML. Plumbing guys out today, back tomorrow.... super DOOPER water rationing in effect.
I helped as much as I could, but pretty much just directed from my softy spot on the couch. I'm all caught up on Devious Maids, Undercover Boss, Last Alaskans, Royal Pains and Manhattan. And, I'm out of ice cream.
I am sicker. Strep test still pending. But it doesn't FEEL like strep. so there's that. But I don't remember my throat ever hurting so bad, for so long. And when I sneeze, oh man, literally feels like my uvula just tore off. Then there's the fevers. Good times! No.
Also, our power went out last week, but then came back on but as a brown out. Then off and on and off and on and brown. No biggie. Power goes out all the time here in the sticks. Wellllllllll... it fried part of our pump system from the spring at the bottom of the property. And our holding tank was down to like... 1000 gallons... oh and the flood in the basement. FML. Plumbing guys out today, back tomorrow.... super DOOPER water rationing in effect.
I helped as much as I could, but pretty much just directed from my softy spot on the couch. I'm all caught up on Devious Maids, Undercover Boss, Last Alaskans, Royal Pains and Manhattan. And, I'm out of ice cream.
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Day #21
Sicker.
Beware... I have little to no discretion when I feel do icky. Meh.
Broke down and went to the doctor's today. Surprise surprise... he said I'm sick! My throat has been feeling extra scratchy and swollen. I can deal with a few days of that but this morn woke up and my throat was MORE swollen and I had shaking chills and super gross profuse sweating. He was really impressed with the size of my uvula. SO BIG. Ewww.
I see MORE ice cream (if that's even possible), sleep, sleep, reading, sleep and ... more ice cream in my future.
My mind is gonnnnnnne when I feel so cruddy. I can barely hold a conversation, because suddenly I can't come up with any words to make a sentence. Argh. Totally useless.
Cheers to a smaller uvula and clearer thinker tomorrow. :)
Beware... I have little to no discretion when I feel do icky. Meh.
Broke down and went to the doctor's today. Surprise surprise... he said I'm sick! My throat has been feeling extra scratchy and swollen. I can deal with a few days of that but this morn woke up and my throat was MORE swollen and I had shaking chills and super gross profuse sweating. He was really impressed with the size of my uvula. SO BIG. Ewww.
I see MORE ice cream (if that's even possible), sleep, sleep, reading, sleep and ... more ice cream in my future.
My mind is gonnnnnnne when I feel so cruddy. I can barely hold a conversation, because suddenly I can't come up with any words to make a sentence. Argh. Totally useless.
Cheers to a smaller uvula and clearer thinker tomorrow. :)
Saturday, July 18, 2015
Day #20
I. Am. Sick. :(
One kid home from annual Gramma and Grampy camping by the skin of her teeth, off to camp tomorrow.
To bed I go. Distant memories of dad in and out of nursing home and into Stanford ER, with septic shock.... from a big transplant of skin from thigh to atm, after removing cancerous bone from his arm. Ugh... and then a graft to cover the graft, and then a 3rd graft because 2nd never took.
Why... my brain goes there when my temp is high... idk. But oy.
Oh the stories I could recount of Stanford... mom's bone marrow transplant and more, James' 2nd spinal fusion, Dad's surgeries and complications...open lung surgery... plus a lil here and a lil there.... :/
Sometimes I wish my brain would. Just. Turn. Off.
One kid home from annual Gramma and Grampy camping by the skin of her teeth, off to camp tomorrow.
To bed I go. Distant memories of dad in and out of nursing home and into Stanford ER, with septic shock.... from a big transplant of skin from thigh to atm, after removing cancerous bone from his arm. Ugh... and then a graft to cover the graft, and then a 3rd graft because 2nd never took.
Why... my brain goes there when my temp is high... idk. But oy.
Oh the stories I could recount of Stanford... mom's bone marrow transplant and more, James' 2nd spinal fusion, Dad's surgeries and complications...open lung surgery... plus a lil here and a lil there.... :/
Sometimes I wish my brain would. Just. Turn. Off.
Friday, July 17, 2015
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