Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Counting Down, and More...

The count down is ON!
85 hours to be exact.
I'll get back to Maui Mania in a moment.

Meanwhile... Life is trudging on. I try not to dwell on the heart ache too much. Many times though, it sneaks up on me out of no where. When my dad calls I usually say "Hi Daddy!" But I can't do that anymore. As soon as I let those words escape my mouth, little Emi screeches into the room I'm in and with panic on her sweet face and her eyes wide she says: "Daddy!!!! I need to talk to my daddy, Mama. Please? I need to." Oh my goodness. I don't know if my heart is strong enough for that.

I'm starting to have stress and anxiety over things that sure I should think about, but shouldn't have this hold on me. What the heck am I going to do for a Christmas card this year? What will it say? What picture to use? Really... and what am I supposed to do with his boots? His dad is going to end up taking the 57 Chevy. That's a relief, but I can't find the stupid key and that means I can't open the trunk. Argh! Why does that make me feel like such a bad person? Does that mean that I got rid of it, thinking I knew it was something, but I was wrong? What other treasures have gone unrecognized and gotten lost forever?

The Fire Dept Chief called and asked me if I'd like to keep James' turn out coat. Yes I would. I just don't want to have to go pick it up. I'd like it to get from point A to point B and be completely void of emotion and feeling while doing so. But I haven't been able to do it. His body wash is still in the shower. His toothbrush still on the bathroom sink. What do people do with these things? Are there ceremonious ways to dispose of these things? It seems sacrilegious.

I want to be able to grocery shop, and go to church, and pump my gas without feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, and an anchor around my heart.

I decided to try and track down 2 fellow Marines whom James had trained with to tell them about James. I put it off for a long time. One was his rack mate in boot camp, and the other was his buddy in MOS training. Those are some of the hardest connections and conversations I've had in a long time. I think they thought they were 'safe' from losing friends, now that they are back on our soil.

The other day Emi found a picture of James and me at our friend Jon's para-jumper school graduation from the air force. She brings it up to me and she is pointing at Jon. "I found him! I found him, Mama!" and I ask her who she found. The she starts to question herself a little I guess. "Is that Heaven, Mama? That's Daddy with Heaven?" Wow.... so many thoughts. But none of which will make it to this blog.

I took the big girls back to school clothes shopping last night. That was a fiasco. Not a good idea in general, but they were also super-DOOPER sandy from jr guards, and extra tired from a long day of swimming. And then Emi (successfully) hid about 12 packages of socks in a bag of ours. Oh the joys of mommy-ing.... I think.... ?

Tonight I'm changing Emi's diaper and putting her jammies on, and telling her that we are going to go to Maui soon, and we'll get to swim with the fishies, and ride horses, and play at the beach a lot, a lot, a lot! But she would like to know if when we fly in the airplane if we will get SO high up there that we could just see Daddy's face? Please Mama?

So.... onward to Maui. I'm hanging on. I work til noon tomorrow, then go with Dad to his pre-op at Stanford. Work work work Thursday to finish up what I can. Friday is dad's surgery at Stanford. Friday eve the big girls have their jr guard completion celebration. And first thing Saturday morning.... we are outta here!!! The girls and Sis in law Alicia, and Sis in law Stacie are coming too. That's an excellent ratio, me thinks.

And the summary of what I need: a cocktail, a lei, and a sunset... please :)
Thank you very much.


Morgan's Mommy said...

Meg, I don't know if you remember me but I went to high school with you :) I remember you and your mom. I remember that you both had very sweet, sensitive, geniune souls. Your blog entry touched me tonight. You have an amazing talent for writing and expressing yourself. As a mother myself I don't know what else to say but that I'm here reading and listening and would love to catch up when the time is right for you :)

Keidi said...

Oh Meggie! I think having kids makes everything harder (just me, just sayin'), but how heart-wrenching to have to deal with your own grief AND your older girls', AND an almost three year olds'. That is soooo much to deal with. Have a fabulous time in Maui! Peace to you!

Mary Thomas said...

I can't quite verbalize this right, but isn't it crazy that while we think we are supposed to understand more about life and loss as we grow, that really I still feel as confused as Emi does about it?

And when we were kids we thought our parents knew everything and could answer all our questions... now we come to find out they only reallyreally wish they could...

PS On the way to Maui, I really hope you fly high enough, too.