Sunday, July 4, 2010

Notes from the Fourth

I'm mostly silent. Purposely so.

This is the year of firsts and everything hurts. Absolutely everything.

And everything still comes in waves. The sadness and pain, the loneliness and questions wash in and swirl around a while. With every sweep it eats away at something new that I didn't know could hurt too. And when it's done, it washes back out, and with it I replace hours of business. In order to get anything done, to remain gainfully employed, keep my children within my care, keep my mortgage current, attempt to pay bills on time, I must work work work. In order to work work work I need to keep all of life's realities out at bay. And I really wish that's where they'd stay.

I did get to get a way for a few days. Which was amazing. I LOVED being on the other side of the county and being completely anonymous. Where no one knew who I was and no body cared. And that was a beautiful thing. Beautiful. (Tho I should mention that I went with B, and got to see Laur while I was there. The beauty of those friendships is that in their presence, their gift to me, is to LET me be anonymous when I need to be.)

My mind, my soul keeps searching for something beautiful and inspiring. Something redeemable. The only thing I can come up with is that with death, for the remaining spouse, there is a freedom. Not your typical 'freedom.' The freedom I've found is that unless I'm facing a life or death decision, I have the FREEDOM to now say "This is petty. I don't need to spend my time here," and not feel guilty about it. Other than that. It's all a total loss.

Just when I think that I'm suitably numb, and got it all under control... I have the most horrible nightmares. They take the previous traumas in my life, wrap them up in my dreams, warp them inexplicably, taking each person I know and love. The other part of the numbness that I hadn't realized until recently: it numbs the pain, and it numbs the good.

Friendships that I once relied upon and contributed to, are falling away. I can't save them. I couldn't save James either, so really... why bother? I want the truth. I don't want to have to wonder about one more thing... ever ever ever again. Just the truth. I'd like to completely ban pissy attitudes, drama, and passive aggressive silent treatments. In myself and others.
I want friendships to come easily, and steer completely away from pain. Because I just can't deal.

In other news: Lu and Nat had a week at horse camp that was perfect up at Kidder Creek. Nat turned 9 today. All the girls are now off camping with Grandma and Grandpy for a week. The girls will start junior life guards when they are back. We have a week between when junior life guards ends in August, and school starts back up- I'm planning an escape for me and the kids.... that's what I'm setting my sights on. Right now I know 13 people who are pregnant. Dad finished his last round of chemo and is waiting on an MRI to schedule another surgery on his wrist, and another one on his lung. I lost a toe nail in DC. Am feeling equal parts thankful and guilty for SGLI. I'm still diligently looking for easy wins of happy moments, hope, and my long lost metabolism...pretty sure it's all out there somewhere...


Keidi said...

I'm glad you had some soul restoration in DC! Hope for more of it when you get away in August, and maybe just a little tiny bit more and more every day. 8) (but no rush, right? No pressure to be back to fine where everyone knows how to deal with/approach you.) A lot of breathing in and breathing out, that's your big job right now.

Brittany said...

I knew where you were ALL THE TIME and I cared. ;)

And btw, thanks for going with me. It was very special to have you there.