No animal in the woods dies of old age. Gahhhh.... think about that. It is profound.
And what if we step back and acknowledge that WE are part of the food chain, the circle of life. What goes up must come down. Nothing is a guarantee.
That can be very freeing. ♡
Thursday, July 16, 2015
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
Day #17
1. Kids are camping
2. Catching up at work
3. Lost my credit card
4. My pants are too tight
5. Moved furniture in the living room
6. Chocolate vodka :)
7. The Last Alaskans
8. Lots and lots of laundry
9. Balcony door open
10. Fresh, amazing forest air
11. Cool sheets
12. Candy Crush Saga... don't judge!
13. Jem and the Holograms!
2. Catching up at work
3. Lost my credit card
4. My pants are too tight
5. Moved furniture in the living room
6. Chocolate vodka :)
7. The Last Alaskans
8. Lots and lots of laundry
9. Balcony door open
10. Fresh, amazing forest air
11. Cool sheets
12. Candy Crush Saga... don't judge!
13. Jem and the Holograms!
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
Day #16
Thirty six.
36 is just a number. So is 30. So is 6. Today the relevance is that it's James' 36th birthday. He died at 30. This is his 6th birthday not here.
That's like a lifetime. How many of our friends kids have been born since then and he never knew. How many graduations, pick ups from camp, and report card celebrations he has missed. That we missed him. That there was a notable void.
He always said he was scared to turn 29. There was something about it that tormented him from early on. And, as it happens, 29 is when his soul died. The light was gone from his eyes, the body kept apparent form while the mind withered and was shed long before.
He hurt on his birthdays. Worried like a young child, that no one would remember his birthday. He'd have to pretend all day that it wasn't his birthday if no one remembered. My heart ached for him. Yes, my love, this is your birthday and we remember. We love you. We celebrate you. You are worthy of love.
As each birthday passes, we celebrate a little less. There's nothing like the first one. I think that one hurts the most. But each subsequent one actually hurts more and more. The crack just splits wider a little more each year. The distance, for me, is scary. Time should be ireelivent. I can't wrap my arms around that time. It seems too long, too distant, like it never even existed. That scares me. I feel farther and farther away.
My boss asked me how I was today. He has no idea what lies beneathe. "Pretty good," I say. "At times a little overwhelmed, but I think I play my poker face pretty well."
"Indeed."
36 is just a number. So is 30. So is 6. Today the relevance is that it's James' 36th birthday. He died at 30. This is his 6th birthday not here.
That's like a lifetime. How many of our friends kids have been born since then and he never knew. How many graduations, pick ups from camp, and report card celebrations he has missed. That we missed him. That there was a notable void.
He always said he was scared to turn 29. There was something about it that tormented him from early on. And, as it happens, 29 is when his soul died. The light was gone from his eyes, the body kept apparent form while the mind withered and was shed long before.
He hurt on his birthdays. Worried like a young child, that no one would remember his birthday. He'd have to pretend all day that it wasn't his birthday if no one remembered. My heart ached for him. Yes, my love, this is your birthday and we remember. We love you. We celebrate you. You are worthy of love.
As each birthday passes, we celebrate a little less. There's nothing like the first one. I think that one hurts the most. But each subsequent one actually hurts more and more. The crack just splits wider a little more each year. The distance, for me, is scary. Time should be ireelivent. I can't wrap my arms around that time. It seems too long, too distant, like it never even existed. That scares me. I feel farther and farther away.
My boss asked me how I was today. He has no idea what lies beneathe. "Pretty good," I say. "At times a little overwhelmed, but I think I play my poker face pretty well."
"Indeed."
Monday, July 13, 2015
Day #15
I have a problemo. My name badge for work hangs on my lanyard. And when I slouch at my desk, it gets caught just on the edge of my nerdy ergonomic key board... and it chokes me. Like 20 times a day. I never see it coming :/
Today was a NEW day, tho. I thought what if I tied a knot or 2 in the lanyard, which would shorten its length?? Bueno idea!! Hey hey, Sooooo simple! To which I thought, just like they say: Work smarter not harder.
Until I went to take my lanyard off, and about the point when I pull it up and past my face... it wedges up against my forehead SO snuggly. And I just sit there with my badge dangling from my forehead. Gahhhhh... I. Am. Stuck.
Today was a NEW day, tho. I thought what if I tied a knot or 2 in the lanyard, which would shorten its length?? Bueno idea!! Hey hey, Sooooo simple! To which I thought, just like they say: Work smarter not harder.
Until I went to take my lanyard off, and about the point when I pull it up and past my face... it wedges up against my forehead SO snuggly. And I just sit there with my badge dangling from my forehead. Gahhhhh... I. Am. Stuck.
Sunday, July 12, 2015
Day #14
I've been feeling like my dining room was missing something. A sideboard, a hutch, a kitchen armoire, I don't know. The peice of furniture I have that is there now, is great. But not right for this space in the new house.
In a gutsy move yesterday I bid on one in a local garage sale FB group thingy. I've only bid twice, and didn't end up being chosen either time. I've been a member of this group for YEARS. Anyhoo... saw a perfect one posted for a decent price. Oh it was so pretty! I closed my phone. I do not NEED this. It kept circling in my brain tho. Hours later I checked back. No bids yet... oh!! I told myself one more hour and if still no bids, I'll go in for the kill.
Hour. Mine. Boo-ya.
We will get it tomorrow :)
This evening Bitty and I cleaned out the old one, as it will now serve as our tv stand in the living room. For Pete's sake we can really pack away a lot of crap in that thing!!!
And then it was So. Very. Clear. Me, you don't need to burden yourself with all of these little bits of crap packed away. This-es and thats. A frayed ribbon, 1 glue stick for a lost glue gun, a returned Xmas card undelivered, one link of a dog leash, half a burnt candle, like 40 million thousand placemats! Oh, yes, and all that baggage in your heart. Unpack that crap too and Throw. It. Out.
Clear it all out.
In a gutsy move yesterday I bid on one in a local garage sale FB group thingy. I've only bid twice, and didn't end up being chosen either time. I've been a member of this group for YEARS. Anyhoo... saw a perfect one posted for a decent price. Oh it was so pretty! I closed my phone. I do not NEED this. It kept circling in my brain tho. Hours later I checked back. No bids yet... oh!! I told myself one more hour and if still no bids, I'll go in for the kill.
Hour. Mine. Boo-ya.
We will get it tomorrow :)
This evening Bitty and I cleaned out the old one, as it will now serve as our tv stand in the living room. For Pete's sake we can really pack away a lot of crap in that thing!!!
And then it was So. Very. Clear. Me, you don't need to burden yourself with all of these little bits of crap packed away. This-es and thats. A frayed ribbon, 1 glue stick for a lost glue gun, a returned Xmas card undelivered, one link of a dog leash, half a burnt candle, like 40 million thousand placemats! Oh, yes, and all that baggage in your heart. Unpack that crap too and Throw. It. Out.
Clear it all out.
Saturday, July 11, 2015
Day #13
I am not a people person. I LOVE people, most of the time, from far away, or in small doses. I am not social; I am not inclined to go out. I want to be at home all.the.time.
I don't want to talk about myself. Not to you, or anyone else. I am painfully, awkwardly, quiet and keep to myself. This is me. And it's ok. Others don't always think so. That's not my problem but it does start to eat away at me and my self perception... am I really an ok person? Should I be something different? Should I be just how you or he or she thinks is normal? Why???
I blog to help me release what's on my heart, work thru things on paper, and kind of document my journey. I have no desire to talk thru this stuff with people, or be questioned about it. Take it or leave it.
Tonight I ended my busy, disfunctional, perfectly anxiety ridden day by sitting on the deck at dusk, in my fancy new deck chairs, with a beer and my babe. This is my life. This is what I love. I embrace my quiet awkwardness. I believe I'm made like this for a reason, even if I don't know exactly what or why yet.
I don't want to talk about myself. Not to you, or anyone else. I am painfully, awkwardly, quiet and keep to myself. This is me. And it's ok. Others don't always think so. That's not my problem but it does start to eat away at me and my self perception... am I really an ok person? Should I be something different? Should I be just how you or he or she thinks is normal? Why???
I blog to help me release what's on my heart, work thru things on paper, and kind of document my journey. I have no desire to talk thru this stuff with people, or be questioned about it. Take it or leave it.
Tonight I ended my busy, disfunctional, perfectly anxiety ridden day by sitting on the deck at dusk, in my fancy new deck chairs, with a beer and my babe. This is my life. This is what I love. I embrace my quiet awkwardness. I believe I'm made like this for a reason, even if I don't know exactly what or why yet.
Friday, July 10, 2015
Day #12
Overwhelmed. This is today's theme.
Pain is taking over my body. This and that and it won't stop. I can barely think and feelers are alllll out of whack.
Then I start to hear about the shooting in Boulder Creek. Ughhhh... my heart. News starts flooding in about how the night had unfolded, a 17 year old boy, mental health issues, a grampa, gun shots, helicopters, and for the finale: death. I cannot even look at my FB acct. Everyone's arguing: stupid kid, poor kid, bad cops, bless the cops, kid deserved it, why wasn't someone helping him? Ohhhhh people, my brain, will explode if I try to entertain any of these ideas. WHY do people think they can argue and demand respect for a point of view. .. on FACEBOOK.. and think they can really sway someone equally as volitile of the opposing view??? WHY. I cannot comprehend. Shut. Up. Actually, let me see myself out and close the computer.
My heart is hurting for everyone involved. EVERYONE. Absolutely tragic. I will pray.
As I ease out of my desk chair at work, slowly, carefully, in the least stooping, no bending, non twisting, maneuver... I can barely stand. Or walk. At *THIS* moment my staff and I hear gunshots, outside, not too close, 3 in succession. Def not fireworks. Oh. My. Goodness. But then nothing. About 3 mins later we hear sirens, so many, 30? Continuously for the next HOUR. What is happening? Finally we hear word that there was a shooting into a house behind one of our buildings, shooter on the run. Really!?!?!?
Oh my little life is small and mostly insignificant. Yet I am consumed today with all sorts of feelings that are MUCH bigger than I am. The pain, the worry, the BIG crazy things happening in my little town are beyond my control and comprehension. I feel completely unprepared for days like this.
So glad the shootings don't impact me directly. Just wish I could disengage from the feelings they bring up in me. Some days should only be allowed with a fast forward and mute button.
Pain is taking over my body. This and that and it won't stop. I can barely think and feelers are alllll out of whack.
Then I start to hear about the shooting in Boulder Creek. Ughhhh... my heart. News starts flooding in about how the night had unfolded, a 17 year old boy, mental health issues, a grampa, gun shots, helicopters, and for the finale: death. I cannot even look at my FB acct. Everyone's arguing: stupid kid, poor kid, bad cops, bless the cops, kid deserved it, why wasn't someone helping him? Ohhhhh people, my brain, will explode if I try to entertain any of these ideas. WHY do people think they can argue and demand respect for a point of view. .. on FACEBOOK.. and think they can really sway someone equally as volitile of the opposing view??? WHY. I cannot comprehend. Shut. Up. Actually, let me see myself out and close the computer.
My heart is hurting for everyone involved. EVERYONE. Absolutely tragic. I will pray.
As I ease out of my desk chair at work, slowly, carefully, in the least stooping, no bending, non twisting, maneuver... I can barely stand. Or walk. At *THIS* moment my staff and I hear gunshots, outside, not too close, 3 in succession. Def not fireworks. Oh. My. Goodness. But then nothing. About 3 mins later we hear sirens, so many, 30? Continuously for the next HOUR. What is happening? Finally we hear word that there was a shooting into a house behind one of our buildings, shooter on the run. Really!?!?!?
Oh my little life is small and mostly insignificant. Yet I am consumed today with all sorts of feelings that are MUCH bigger than I am. The pain, the worry, the BIG crazy things happening in my little town are beyond my control and comprehension. I feel completely unprepared for days like this.
So glad the shootings don't impact me directly. Just wish I could disengage from the feelings they bring up in me. Some days should only be allowed with a fast forward and mute button.
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Day #11
This morning my alarm was set for 6:04. I tossed and turned a bit and finally rolled over and checked the clock... 7:44 !?!?!? Whaaattttt!!! No way, no how. After a quick close inspection of my phone while cursing I could see that it WAS set for 6:04 and alarmed for 18 mins before silencing. Arghhhh.... I never.ever.ever over sleep or sleep thru an alarm. I was out the door 19 mins later, shower and all. Super crappy start to my day.
No time for Coffee :(
Ps. I can't move very fast at all right now. Nick and I put up a 100 ft long section of fencing at bottom of steep mountain on property. I have not been the same since.
This eve no time to get dinner. Pick up Lu from Stacie's (she slept over there because she was gonna get home from Six Flags at like 11 with her BF. Mama needed sleep, not midnight driving.) Get Lu up abt 445. Walgreens. Safeway. Drop Lu back at BF's. Drive to Gramma and Grampy's pick up Nat and Emi. Don't go home. Go straight to high school to stand in line an hour early for opening night of play. *This* is where the day catches up with me....
I can't stand the drama teacher. At all. For years. He was there when I was in Jr high, he should have retired. He is greasy, and disingenuous. And then they charge $15/person! ?!?!? FFS... come on back down to earth. REAL people live here, and no we really don't want to see your play, but I support the kids. Please gouge me in the pocketbook too. I only have a fam of 5. Booooooo.
Finally seated in fancy new theatre. Oh damn, and I'm right back to high school. People I have calculatingly steered clear of for years are starting to fill the seats around me. *Click click click* There's no place like home. There's no place like home. Please just hide me.
On the ride home, well after my bed time:
-Emi: Mama do I have a long torso or a short stumpy one?
-Emi: Mama I had to fart. But I held it in during the play. Hold your breath.
-Emi: Gramma said I could play an instrument. I can't choose which one! I'm gonna be good at them all!
-Emi: Mama....
Sleep. It beckons.
No time for Coffee :(
Ps. I can't move very fast at all right now. Nick and I put up a 100 ft long section of fencing at bottom of steep mountain on property. I have not been the same since.
This eve no time to get dinner. Pick up Lu from Stacie's (she slept over there because she was gonna get home from Six Flags at like 11 with her BF. Mama needed sleep, not midnight driving.) Get Lu up abt 445. Walgreens. Safeway. Drop Lu back at BF's. Drive to Gramma and Grampy's pick up Nat and Emi. Don't go home. Go straight to high school to stand in line an hour early for opening night of play. *This* is where the day catches up with me....
I can't stand the drama teacher. At all. For years. He was there when I was in Jr high, he should have retired. He is greasy, and disingenuous. And then they charge $15/person! ?!?!? FFS... come on back down to earth. REAL people live here, and no we really don't want to see your play, but I support the kids. Please gouge me in the pocketbook too. I only have a fam of 5. Booooooo.
Finally seated in fancy new theatre. Oh damn, and I'm right back to high school. People I have calculatingly steered clear of for years are starting to fill the seats around me. *Click click click* There's no place like home. There's no place like home. Please just hide me.
On the ride home, well after my bed time:
-Emi: Mama do I have a long torso or a short stumpy one?
-Emi: Mama I had to fart. But I held it in during the play. Hold your breath.
-Emi: Gramma said I could play an instrument. I can't choose which one! I'm gonna be good at them all!
-Emi: Mama....
Sleep. It beckons.
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
Day #10
Today...
- I feel accomplished at work. Got a lot done. Like a boss. Heh.
-Miss my dad and feel guilty for not seeing him more often.
-Preparing the house and my mind (and the kids) for the next few weeks of summer whirlwind for the girls. Sleep overs here, sleep overs there, amusement parks, summer school, camping with Gramma and Grampy, airplane flights, summer camp, internships.... oy!
-the super glue did not last long for my car side mirror. It's back to dangling. The gate just jumped out and attacked me... swear!
-Have more respect for my pastor than ever before.
- Gearing up my soul and body for a scary surgery mid-august. :( My brokenness is not just a figure of speech. I might blog more on this, but maybe not.
- Putting together a bucket list. Not because of upcoming surgery, but because I'm not aging any slower! There's things I want to do and sre, peeps! It will feel much more attainable if I have an actual list! :)
-Can't do talky people. Breathe!!
-Overall, feeling ok today. Feather meet cap.
- I feel accomplished at work. Got a lot done. Like a boss. Heh.
-Miss my dad and feel guilty for not seeing him more often.
-Preparing the house and my mind (and the kids) for the next few weeks of summer whirlwind for the girls. Sleep overs here, sleep overs there, amusement parks, summer school, camping with Gramma and Grampy, airplane flights, summer camp, internships.... oy!
-the super glue did not last long for my car side mirror. It's back to dangling. The gate just jumped out and attacked me... swear!
-Have more respect for my pastor than ever before.
- Gearing up my soul and body for a scary surgery mid-august. :( My brokenness is not just a figure of speech. I might blog more on this, but maybe not.
- Putting together a bucket list. Not because of upcoming surgery, but because I'm not aging any slower! There's things I want to do and sre, peeps! It will feel much more attainable if I have an actual list! :)
-Can't do talky people. Breathe!!
-Overall, feeling ok today. Feather meet cap.
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Day #9
Tonight I am reminded that I love love love little bitties. No matter what, no matter nuthin. All of the handles in my house, door knobs, cupboards, brushes, alllll of them are sticky, grimey, covered in love and life. I could clean them twice a day and they'd be the same sticky just the same.
Little bitties text me all.day.long. about everything imagineable... underwear, movie plans, why are all the spoons dirty, can I have a sleep over, i lost my ipod, the internet isn't working, my grades came, do I hafta take the trash out, I fed the neighbor's cat, when are you coming home? Endless. I cherish this.
My most favorite times are cuddling when after dinner, waking them up, and tucking them in.... tho of late, I've been the one getting tucked in. ♡
How can they be SO precious when just a bit ago they were torturing eachother... I don't know. Alas.... I try to be so steadfast, consistent, allowing exploration and wonder, building them up and teaching them to do the same for others, and more than anything cover them with LOVE. Love love love. Love will win. Love will find the way. Love creates the space. Love doesn't need agreements or provisions, rules or an ending. Love is my religion.
Little bitties text me all.day.long. about everything imagineable... underwear, movie plans, why are all the spoons dirty, can I have a sleep over, i lost my ipod, the internet isn't working, my grades came, do I hafta take the trash out, I fed the neighbor's cat, when are you coming home? Endless. I cherish this.
My most favorite times are cuddling when after dinner, waking them up, and tucking them in.... tho of late, I've been the one getting tucked in. ♡
How can they be SO precious when just a bit ago they were torturing eachother... I don't know. Alas.... I try to be so steadfast, consistent, allowing exploration and wonder, building them up and teaching them to do the same for others, and more than anything cover them with LOVE. Love love love. Love will win. Love will find the way. Love creates the space. Love doesn't need agreements or provisions, rules or an ending. Love is my religion.
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