Overcome today by my own inabilities. Wading in brokeness... heart, mind, spirit, body.
No man is an island, unless of course, he is.
Monday, July 6, 2015
Sunday, July 5, 2015
Day #7
Today was a gift :) Wish I could upload pics but I can't at the moment. Long naps, happy kids, reading on the deck, and church.
We left our last church for a number of reasons. We feel like we are settling in to the new church ok. We are looking for authenticity, open hearts, a place to learn.
To be honest, I wasn't sure I was going back to church tonight. I was privy to some information about one of the leaders. I had been feeling let down and sad about it, but decided to withhold (most) judgement until today. I would go to church and see how they handled it. If they swept it under the rug, I knew this was not church for my family and me. If they minimally addressed it, I would still be torn, could go either way. If they addressed it head on, preferably with the person involved speaking to the congregation and he took full responsibility, and was transparent... I'm in. I want REAL people, real problems, real truths, real darkness that is hard to bring to the table, yet once in the light, can start the healing process.
Tonight, I saw the man from the church, whom I look up to, whose words are breath for me. I saw him kneeling, then crouching, not sitting.
This was a pained man, a man in turmoil. We sang, we had announcements and then HE came up, flanked by a man he introduced as being on the church board. The church board man began to speak, in generalizations, but clearly they would be addressing some serious matters. He wanted us to know they are in constant prayer about what is best for the man, and for the church body. Then the pained men stepped forward again. He put it all out there. His mistakes, and how they multiplied, what he had done. He said he is beside himself with shame. He knows what he did, what he didn't, and what he could do now. He said he is taking full responsibility with open arms. He said he needed to be forthcoming with leadership, with us, with his family, no matter how humbling or humiliating it is. He said this thru tears, clearly struggling, crumbling before our eyes. The Church Board man stepped forward again and said they met immediately, and have been praying for him and the church. He elaborated a bit about the incident. He ended by telling us that our man would take a few weeks off to regroup, already and continued seeking counsel, and WOULD remain as lead pastor. The congregation erupted in applause, with tears coming from every blessed soul in the sanctuary. And then (lead by my not-so-churchy husband) a standing ovation.
I do not recall a time when I have been SO very moved. To witness such integrity. YES I long to be part of a church like this!!! Real, messy, filled with humans who struggle and make wordy decisions that have consequences. All in different stages of faith, all with a commonality of being a child of God. Beloved. Broken and beautiful. YES.
Side note: talking about a DUI.
We left our last church for a number of reasons. We feel like we are settling in to the new church ok. We are looking for authenticity, open hearts, a place to learn.
To be honest, I wasn't sure I was going back to church tonight. I was privy to some information about one of the leaders. I had been feeling let down and sad about it, but decided to withhold (most) judgement until today. I would go to church and see how they handled it. If they swept it under the rug, I knew this was not church for my family and me. If they minimally addressed it, I would still be torn, could go either way. If they addressed it head on, preferably with the person involved speaking to the congregation and he took full responsibility, and was transparent... I'm in. I want REAL people, real problems, real truths, real darkness that is hard to bring to the table, yet once in the light, can start the healing process.
Tonight, I saw the man from the church, whom I look up to, whose words are breath for me. I saw him kneeling, then crouching, not sitting.
This was a pained man, a man in turmoil. We sang, we had announcements and then HE came up, flanked by a man he introduced as being on the church board. The church board man began to speak, in generalizations, but clearly they would be addressing some serious matters. He wanted us to know they are in constant prayer about what is best for the man, and for the church body. Then the pained men stepped forward again. He put it all out there. His mistakes, and how they multiplied, what he had done. He said he is beside himself with shame. He knows what he did, what he didn't, and what he could do now. He said he is taking full responsibility with open arms. He said he needed to be forthcoming with leadership, with us, with his family, no matter how humbling or humiliating it is. He said this thru tears, clearly struggling, crumbling before our eyes. The Church Board man stepped forward again and said they met immediately, and have been praying for him and the church. He elaborated a bit about the incident. He ended by telling us that our man would take a few weeks off to regroup, already and continued seeking counsel, and WOULD remain as lead pastor. The congregation erupted in applause, with tears coming from every blessed soul in the sanctuary. And then (lead by my not-so-churchy husband) a standing ovation.
I do not recall a time when I have been SO very moved. To witness such integrity. YES I long to be part of a church like this!!! Real, messy, filled with humans who struggle and make wordy decisions that have consequences. All in different stages of faith, all with a commonality of being a child of God. Beloved. Broken and beautiful. YES.
Side note: talking about a DUI.
Saturday, July 4, 2015
Day #6
Today is N's bday. Amazing how much time has come and gone. She was born on the 4th of July which has its own personal sentiments. But our tradition is to go to town, to the Fire Dept pancake breakfast and then enjoy the parade. If the girls are lucky they get a seat on a fire engine to start the parade. (And yes for the longest time she thought it was all in celebration of her bday.)
It's hard to go back to the fire dept. That was a lifetime ago that James gave 11 or 12 years to them. My heart is heavy when I walk thru the engine bay, smell the smells of the turnout gear. It was home for so long. Now the station is filled with newbie firemen in fire gear who don't know who I am, or the girls. I never existed.
Tonight we BBQ'd and lit the fire pit. We sat back in our little red chairs watching the sun go down. Smoking our s'mores. My heart is happy and blessed. My soul, tho, is forever unsettled, always looking just past the horizon. My mind is always adrift, sailing with the wind, positive that the answers I seek are just beyond the next turn.
It's hard to go back to the fire dept. That was a lifetime ago that James gave 11 or 12 years to them. My heart is heavy when I walk thru the engine bay, smell the smells of the turnout gear. It was home for so long. Now the station is filled with newbie firemen in fire gear who don't know who I am, or the girls. I never existed.
Tonight we BBQ'd and lit the fire pit. We sat back in our little red chairs watching the sun go down. Smoking our s'mores. My heart is happy and blessed. My soul, tho, is forever unsettled, always looking just past the horizon. My mind is always adrift, sailing with the wind, positive that the answers I seek are just beyond the next turn.
Friday, July 3, 2015
Thursday, July 2, 2015
Day #4
Today's thoughts....
1. Had a ridiculous migraine last night. But, you know that's how it goes. I can get thru anything tough, work, family, whatever, as soon as it let's up and is done or safe, the migraine hits. Meeeehhhhh. Me no likey. Took some medicine and waited and waited and waited for relief. Relief finally came, and it was just a mild reduction. To bed. 12 hours later... all better :) a little migraine hangover but I can deal.
2. I ate ice cream twice today! Once for breakfast and once for dinner. Whatev.
3. Had a GREAT time taking the kids and a friend swimming today. It's a place I used to go as a kid and have such fond memories. Today was equally sweet. I even put ON the bathing suit AND got IN the pool. And I didn't burn.... I'm such a competent adult now. ;) Got a little reading in... re-reading Redeeming Love. Ahhhh, my heart. ♡
4. I'm feeling sad and confused about a local aquaintance. He's not a friend, but a mentor if sorts. I know life is not perfect, but I think we learn a lot from our mistakes, our mis steps. I think the jewel is how we deal with it - the mistakes and mis steps. Do you hide it, justify it, run from it, or do you own it, and walk walk the walk of transperancy and introspection. Hmmmm....
5. Our neighborhood has a mountain lion! Yikes. The neighbor (half mile away) has seen it twice in the last 4 days. The SC Puma Project came out and set up game cameras near it's recent kill. Oy. I love natural beauty, animals in their natural habitat, the circle of life.... but I also enjoy a run in the woods and letting the dogs out to pee at 9.
6. I'd realllllyyyyyyy be into my Spotify or Pandora playing thru my phone via Bluetooth to my car radio.
7. Today was a good day. :D
1. Had a ridiculous migraine last night. But, you know that's how it goes. I can get thru anything tough, work, family, whatever, as soon as it let's up and is done or safe, the migraine hits. Meeeehhhhh. Me no likey. Took some medicine and waited and waited and waited for relief. Relief finally came, and it was just a mild reduction. To bed. 12 hours later... all better :) a little migraine hangover but I can deal.
2. I ate ice cream twice today! Once for breakfast and once for dinner. Whatev.
3. Had a GREAT time taking the kids and a friend swimming today. It's a place I used to go as a kid and have such fond memories. Today was equally sweet. I even put ON the bathing suit AND got IN the pool. And I didn't burn.... I'm such a competent adult now. ;) Got a little reading in... re-reading Redeeming Love. Ahhhh, my heart. ♡
4. I'm feeling sad and confused about a local aquaintance. He's not a friend, but a mentor if sorts. I know life is not perfect, but I think we learn a lot from our mistakes, our mis steps. I think the jewel is how we deal with it - the mistakes and mis steps. Do you hide it, justify it, run from it, or do you own it, and walk walk the walk of transperancy and introspection. Hmmmm....
5. Our neighborhood has a mountain lion! Yikes. The neighbor (half mile away) has seen it twice in the last 4 days. The SC Puma Project came out and set up game cameras near it's recent kill. Oy. I love natural beauty, animals in their natural habitat, the circle of life.... but I also enjoy a run in the woods and letting the dogs out to pee at 9.
6. I'd realllllyyyyyyy be into my Spotify or Pandora playing thru my phone via Bluetooth to my car radio.
7. Today was a good day. :D
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Day #3
So the thing about dead people is that no one wants to talk bad about them. And as respectful and appropriate as that may be, it's not always the right representation of that person. And at the same time perhaps it's not appropriate to bring anything up, because now that they are dead, you can put your issues with them to reat, sweep it all right under the rug where it never needs to see the light of day again.
When James died it was profoundly sad. For me, obviously because he had died and that is sad, but more so my sadness was overrun with spite. He had 'beat' the alcoholism, done the 'right thing' by joining the Marines, he was a very loving daddy. I was beside myself that whatever pain, addiction, PTSD, undiagnosed mental disorders, sickness, had over run his body and won. I wanted him to have a fighting chance. I wanted to see him rock this world.
Instead, he suffered inexplicably, many times at his own hand, but sometimes not. The pain was real, panic and anxiety real, days at a time of insomnia -slowly loosing his grip on reality, the seizures, the rages, the car accident, the medicine.... it all started to swirl together.
There came a point when I could no longer separate what I should hold him accountable for, and what I should not. Regardless..... it doesn't change the fact that I lived a living hell for years. Hell with an underpinning of love that I still haven't shaken.
As I've taken the last 5 years, I have grieved and hurt and retreated into my own world. Without knowing how to grieve the 'right' way or know what my next step should be, I built him an alter and set him there carefully, delicately. When the girls would talk of their daddy (often, several times a day) we would reminisce about their amazing memories and stories of daddy.
They were good memories, correct recitals, it was all true. It just wasn't ALL inclusive of his life, ALL the memories. I know they weren't present for all of the sleepless, manic, over medicated nights. I know that I sheltered them from a large portion of the crazy scary daddy, but certainly they must remember.....? Daddy sitting in the chair asking for his son. The time he stopped breathing, no heartbeat and grampie had to start CPR while they waited for the firemen, the seizures, the falling and convulsions, the blue lips. Daddy not being allowed to drive on the school field trips, racing unsteady to put his boots on and saying there was a fire, the slurring, the unconsious, the breaking thru doors. Funny tho, those weren't the memories they wanted to share and remember.
I get it. Who WOULD want to?
And, in my heart, do I really want them to remember anything but the good? Or am I all wrapped up still needing validation that it happened at all.
Lu was working on a high school finals project. Pick 30 people and write about each one, why are they your heroes? What a great, thoughtful, project, especially for teens. I loved it. Lu took her time (as she always does) thinking long and hard about each one. She chose an amazing variety and I LOVE her lil thinker. She included the nurse who sings to the child cancer patient, a teacher, authors, her team of doctors from stanford, book characters, our insurance (for being there to cover all of Nat's broken bones), a singer, her boyfriend's mom, etc...and her daddy.
Indeed, that seems like a very thorough, thoughtful list, she just forgot to put me in there. Surely she meant to. Surely if daddy qualified and she (more than the other girls) knows everything that we went thru, I could at least be a contender. No. No, I was not. Do I realllllyyyyyyy care about this, like on a school report level, no. It just really made me sit back and evaluate what I allowed the girls to be exposed to, and their own little filters and how it processed it all. I still feel the sting, but I suppose everyone needs a daddy on an alter who loves you unconditionally.
When James died it was profoundly sad. For me, obviously because he had died and that is sad, but more so my sadness was overrun with spite. He had 'beat' the alcoholism, done the 'right thing' by joining the Marines, he was a very loving daddy. I was beside myself that whatever pain, addiction, PTSD, undiagnosed mental disorders, sickness, had over run his body and won. I wanted him to have a fighting chance. I wanted to see him rock this world.
Instead, he suffered inexplicably, many times at his own hand, but sometimes not. The pain was real, panic and anxiety real, days at a time of insomnia -slowly loosing his grip on reality, the seizures, the rages, the car accident, the medicine.... it all started to swirl together.
There came a point when I could no longer separate what I should hold him accountable for, and what I should not. Regardless..... it doesn't change the fact that I lived a living hell for years. Hell with an underpinning of love that I still haven't shaken.
As I've taken the last 5 years, I have grieved and hurt and retreated into my own world. Without knowing how to grieve the 'right' way or know what my next step should be, I built him an alter and set him there carefully, delicately. When the girls would talk of their daddy (often, several times a day) we would reminisce about their amazing memories and stories of daddy.
They were good memories, correct recitals, it was all true. It just wasn't ALL inclusive of his life, ALL the memories. I know they weren't present for all of the sleepless, manic, over medicated nights. I know that I sheltered them from a large portion of the crazy scary daddy, but certainly they must remember.....? Daddy sitting in the chair asking for his son. The time he stopped breathing, no heartbeat and grampie had to start CPR while they waited for the firemen, the seizures, the falling and convulsions, the blue lips. Daddy not being allowed to drive on the school field trips, racing unsteady to put his boots on and saying there was a fire, the slurring, the unconsious, the breaking thru doors. Funny tho, those weren't the memories they wanted to share and remember.
I get it. Who WOULD want to?
And, in my heart, do I really want them to remember anything but the good? Or am I all wrapped up still needing validation that it happened at all.
Lu was working on a high school finals project. Pick 30 people and write about each one, why are they your heroes? What a great, thoughtful, project, especially for teens. I loved it. Lu took her time (as she always does) thinking long and hard about each one. She chose an amazing variety and I LOVE her lil thinker. She included the nurse who sings to the child cancer patient, a teacher, authors, her team of doctors from stanford, book characters, our insurance (for being there to cover all of Nat's broken bones), a singer, her boyfriend's mom, etc...and her daddy.
Indeed, that seems like a very thorough, thoughtful list, she just forgot to put me in there. Surely she meant to. Surely if daddy qualified and she (more than the other girls) knows everything that we went thru, I could at least be a contender. No. No, I was not. Do I realllllyyyyyyy care about this, like on a school report level, no. It just really made me sit back and evaluate what I allowed the girls to be exposed to, and their own little filters and how it processed it all. I still feel the sting, but I suppose everyone needs a daddy on an alter who loves you unconditionally.
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Day #2
Give and Take
I think I like to think of things as always being one side of the balance or other, because in my head that makes it purposeful. No matter what it is. Purpose does not equal justification tho.
Teach kids to walk and talk…. And then you are never alone in the bathroom again
Be an only, lonely child.... be raised in a daycare with 7 'brothers and sisters' and an abundance of playmates
Figure out high school is just a game...pass with flying colors
Love your spouse's occupation... it eats his soul alive
Be in healthcare...fail to get anyone to see my husband is dying
Marry your high school sweetheart… he dies at 30
Drop out of college... get a great job (and feel like a fraud)
Have a voice... don't let anyone know it
Buy a new car.... can't pay the gas bills
Grow up with parents who don't allow ANY sugar... absolutely phene sugar as an adult
Buy an ugly economic car too small for fam.... have enough money for bills
LOVE your gay 'work husband' to pieces... worry constantly what the church will think
Leave the church... they don't care that you left, you were never really noticed to begin with
Grow up with both parents... mom dies young (just kidding you still only get one parent)
Marry a new man.... gain a new mom
Hate dogs..... get 2 dogs
Don't eat... gain weight
Grow up playing soccer.... dad says to pick 1 game a season and he'll attend that one, but no more
Work with Alzheimer's patients.... realize you aren't helping anything to get better, each day will be worse
Potty train your 2 year old, Alzheimer's patient now needs diapers
Have parents mostly proud of grades and stuff.... get knocked up at 18
Have extended family FINALLY move close (w/in 20 miles)... NOT see them for more than a year...awkward!
Try to do the right thing and think about the baby...be told you are an embarrassment to the family and I should go into hiding
High school sweetheart dies after heartbreaking struggle.... find new, peaceful, levelheaded, adoring man a year later
Take 16 year old daughter out prom dress shopping on 16th bday... have her lose her shizz in a violent attack just hours later
16 year old's violent attack on mom.... mom must still buck up and LOVE the child.
Live in Santa Cruz.... haven't ever seen most of the attractions in Santa Cruz
Go to put up a new fence.... find a TREE across the road!
But really I could go on all day.
I have some major issues that I need to work thru. They say (and I even say) that everyone could really use a therapist, it doesn't matter who you are. It's just good for every body to be able to reflect and talk things thru with an unbiased, safe, confidant. I have benefited GREATLY from therapy, especially the sessions I had as a child, and then the ones I had the year prior to and the year after James' death. I have tried several times recently, and the common theme back from the therapists is: "Wow! What a story! Sounds like you are doing pretty well. I don't think we really need to meet very often, sounds like you've got this pretty under control." Oh for fucks sake!!!! I'm not here because I like paying my copay! When I unpack my crap do I make it sound all pretty and tidy? Am I relaying my concerns appropriately? Am I scaring them away? Do I have them fooled? Do I have too much baggage that it's not worth it for them?
I NEED to get thru these issues. I feel abandoned, now, without my mom. It will be NINE years this October. Aaccckkkkkk. When she was dying I felt IN the moment, embracing it for everything it was, being present, open, accepting. When she died there was relief for me; she was no longer in the torturous pain and agony that had plagued her body. I feel in my heart like I am ok and at peace with losing James. He too, such much pain, there was no coming back, there was no getting better. BUT then I see a picture of him, or I remember something specific, and I either feel incredible loss (good memories) or anger (for everything he put us through.) I think I'm over the childhood traumas, but they creep up in the most destructive, intrusive ways. I think I'm over the bully from high school and middle school, and then she friends me on FB? Is she a nicer person now? Is she just trying to see what my life turned out like? Why so much uncertainty? Every day I go to work and feel SO blessed to be there. But I cannot shake the feeling that I am an imposter. I do not have the college degree, and I am constantly reminded that I should have not dropped out. I should have tried harder. I should have gone back. I should have not gotten pregnant in the first place. I want to believe that everything happens for a reason, but when I am going thru old boxes and find the letters from family when I was pregnant so young, they are SO hurtful, SO cutting, SO divisive. So every step I take NOW, more than 16 years later I have to move strategically. How can I show THEM that they are wrong, that I am better than what they think? How can I show my children that I have their best interests in mind and care for them like they weren't raised by a young, inept, ill prepared mom. I wish LOVE could win it all.
I wish LOVE could win the war. I have a lot of love in this heart. I would like it to seep out my pores and erase all the pain, the confusion and judgment, mine and yours.
I think I like to think of things as always being one side of the balance or other, because in my head that makes it purposeful. No matter what it is. Purpose does not equal justification tho.
Teach kids to walk and talk…. And then you are never alone in the bathroom again
Be an only, lonely child.... be raised in a daycare with 7 'brothers and sisters' and an abundance of playmates
Figure out high school is just a game...pass with flying colors
Love your spouse's occupation... it eats his soul alive
Be in healthcare...fail to get anyone to see my husband is dying
Marry your high school sweetheart… he dies at 30
Drop out of college... get a great job (and feel like a fraud)
Have a voice... don't let anyone know it
Buy a new car.... can't pay the gas bills
Grow up with parents who don't allow ANY sugar... absolutely phene sugar as an adult
Buy an ugly economic car too small for fam.... have enough money for bills
LOVE your gay 'work husband' to pieces... worry constantly what the church will think
Leave the church... they don't care that you left, you were never really noticed to begin with
Grow up with both parents... mom dies young (just kidding you still only get one parent)
Marry a new man.... gain a new mom
Hate dogs..... get 2 dogs
Don't eat... gain weight
Grow up playing soccer.... dad says to pick 1 game a season and he'll attend that one, but no more
Work with Alzheimer's patients.... realize you aren't helping anything to get better, each day will be worse
Potty train your 2 year old, Alzheimer's patient now needs diapers
Have parents mostly proud of grades and stuff.... get knocked up at 18
Have extended family FINALLY move close (w/in 20 miles)... NOT see them for more than a year...awkward!
Try to do the right thing and think about the baby...be told you are an embarrassment to the family and I should go into hiding
High school sweetheart dies after heartbreaking struggle.... find new, peaceful, levelheaded, adoring man a year later
Take 16 year old daughter out prom dress shopping on 16th bday... have her lose her shizz in a violent attack just hours later
16 year old's violent attack on mom.... mom must still buck up and LOVE the child.
Live in Santa Cruz.... haven't ever seen most of the attractions in Santa Cruz
Go to put up a new fence.... find a TREE across the road!
But really I could go on all day.
I have some major issues that I need to work thru. They say (and I even say) that everyone could really use a therapist, it doesn't matter who you are. It's just good for every body to be able to reflect and talk things thru with an unbiased, safe, confidant. I have benefited GREATLY from therapy, especially the sessions I had as a child, and then the ones I had the year prior to and the year after James' death. I have tried several times recently, and the common theme back from the therapists is: "Wow! What a story! Sounds like you are doing pretty well. I don't think we really need to meet very often, sounds like you've got this pretty under control." Oh for fucks sake!!!! I'm not here because I like paying my copay! When I unpack my crap do I make it sound all pretty and tidy? Am I relaying my concerns appropriately? Am I scaring them away? Do I have them fooled? Do I have too much baggage that it's not worth it for them?
I NEED to get thru these issues. I feel abandoned, now, without my mom. It will be NINE years this October. Aaccckkkkkk. When she was dying I felt IN the moment, embracing it for everything it was, being present, open, accepting. When she died there was relief for me; she was no longer in the torturous pain and agony that had plagued her body. I feel in my heart like I am ok and at peace with losing James. He too, such much pain, there was no coming back, there was no getting better. BUT then I see a picture of him, or I remember something specific, and I either feel incredible loss (good memories) or anger (for everything he put us through.) I think I'm over the childhood traumas, but they creep up in the most destructive, intrusive ways. I think I'm over the bully from high school and middle school, and then she friends me on FB? Is she a nicer person now? Is she just trying to see what my life turned out like? Why so much uncertainty? Every day I go to work and feel SO blessed to be there. But I cannot shake the feeling that I am an imposter. I do not have the college degree, and I am constantly reminded that I should have not dropped out. I should have tried harder. I should have gone back. I should have not gotten pregnant in the first place. I want to believe that everything happens for a reason, but when I am going thru old boxes and find the letters from family when I was pregnant so young, they are SO hurtful, SO cutting, SO divisive. So every step I take NOW, more than 16 years later I have to move strategically. How can I show THEM that they are wrong, that I am better than what they think? How can I show my children that I have their best interests in mind and care for them like they weren't raised by a young, inept, ill prepared mom. I wish LOVE could win it all.
I wish LOVE could win the war. I have a lot of love in this heart. I would like it to seep out my pores and erase all the pain, the confusion and judgment, mine and yours.
Monday, June 29, 2015
40 days of Vulnerability
Preface: I think I keep a lot in. I think I speak up when needed. I think I struggle, privately. I think I fail at many things, and while that is OK, I have a hard time with it. I carry grief on my shoulders that eats away at my soul. I think sometimes my friendships are eroding and I don't know what to do. I get up every morning and start off intentional about my actions, reactions. By the end of the day I am done; there is not much left. I miss certain comforts. I think I'm missing my kids growing up. In an effort to regain a little perspective on where I am, and who I might be, I hope to blog for 40 days about everything beyond the surface.
Day #1
I am learning that parenting is one of the most rewarding, sacrificial, heart breaking thing I could ever do. It is A LOT of work, and currently, little return. It IS HARD to constantly be loving, caring, supportive and nice to people who do not believe that my intentions are true, who do not believe that I would go to the ends of the earth for them, who think I spend too much time not bowing to their every request, who are mean and hateful at times, and say to my face: "I told so-and-so that you were mean, and they agreed!" Most nights I crawl into bed and am defeated. I will try to do better tomorrow, I tell myself. My mind is at war with itself as I try to determine IF there is anything I could have done differently, more carefully. Or, is it true that I did my best and it simply will.not.be.good.enough. Could I just be loved a little bit? By the little beings who look like me?
I left my church several months ago, which means no more singing. This was a painful decision. But, it was not right to stay just to sing. I love a very BIG God, who is merciful, and beautiful, and extends grace and mercy to the very least of us. I was not in a place that (I felt) was rising to the occasion to love, show love, show light, or, listen to its members. I am at a new church which I have attending off and on over the last 7 or 8 years. It is becoming home. I volunteered to do a few things, and ultimately landed in a spot on Sundays that I like, and I feel is helpful and a use of my talents. I also, on a wild whim of a restless night, began the application process to sing with the musical worship team. It's a loooooooooong process, vetting my beliefs, my actions, my mentors, my dedication, everything. Oh yes, and my singing. At long last, YES you are good enough. Good job. We will be in touch soon to get you in the rotation. Haven't heard back since. It's been well over 2 months. So, I wait. Sure I could speak up, and I might. For now I land steady on uncertainty of who I am, did they re-think my participation? Or, am I just forgotten? That's cool. THAT is the story of my life. So, I just truck on, sign up for my other duty on Sunday, with a smile, and sing and learn from my perch.
I think I am girl who lost herself in the shuffle of life. I tie it all up in a package and present it to the world with determination and hope. But, I don't know how determined or hopeful a heart full of chaos, doubt, and worry can be. By the end of the day all the strings keeping me together have fallen untied, worn and frayed.
Day #1
I am learning that parenting is one of the most rewarding, sacrificial, heart breaking thing I could ever do. It is A LOT of work, and currently, little return. It IS HARD to constantly be loving, caring, supportive and nice to people who do not believe that my intentions are true, who do not believe that I would go to the ends of the earth for them, who think I spend too much time not bowing to their every request, who are mean and hateful at times, and say to my face: "I told so-and-so that you were mean, and they agreed!" Most nights I crawl into bed and am defeated. I will try to do better tomorrow, I tell myself. My mind is at war with itself as I try to determine IF there is anything I could have done differently, more carefully. Or, is it true that I did my best and it simply will.not.be.good.enough. Could I just be loved a little bit? By the little beings who look like me?
I left my church several months ago, which means no more singing. This was a painful decision. But, it was not right to stay just to sing. I love a very BIG God, who is merciful, and beautiful, and extends grace and mercy to the very least of us. I was not in a place that (I felt) was rising to the occasion to love, show love, show light, or, listen to its members. I am at a new church which I have attending off and on over the last 7 or 8 years. It is becoming home. I volunteered to do a few things, and ultimately landed in a spot on Sundays that I like, and I feel is helpful and a use of my talents. I also, on a wild whim of a restless night, began the application process to sing with the musical worship team. It's a loooooooooong process, vetting my beliefs, my actions, my mentors, my dedication, everything. Oh yes, and my singing. At long last, YES you are good enough. Good job. We will be in touch soon to get you in the rotation. Haven't heard back since. It's been well over 2 months. So, I wait. Sure I could speak up, and I might. For now I land steady on uncertainty of who I am, did they re-think my participation? Or, am I just forgotten? That's cool. THAT is the story of my life. So, I just truck on, sign up for my other duty on Sunday, with a smile, and sing and learn from my perch.
I think I am girl who lost herself in the shuffle of life. I tie it all up in a package and present it to the world with determination and hope. But, I don't know how determined or hopeful a heart full of chaos, doubt, and worry can be. By the end of the day all the strings keeping me together have fallen untied, worn and frayed.
Friday, April 10, 2015
5 Years Later and This is What I Know
1. No body grieves the same. Ever. My grief is mine. I have not yet met someone who knows the pain of losing my husband. Who knows the pain of losing a husband who didn't quite meet the 'right' definition of an injured Marine, didn't exactly commit suicide, wasn't exactly diagnosed with psycho-social issues other than PTSD. He was just not enough of anything that I couldn't get anyone to see what I saw, and help me save him.
2. In a group of people, I still feel alone. And yet, can still can panic attacks at both Safeway, and in my own bed.
3.On the bad days, it’s ok to know that I can count my blessings, or demons, by minutes: I made it past that minute. I can make it one more. This is just a bad day. There will be a new one tomorrow.
4. Some people mean well and will say dumb, hurtful things. Dumb people just still say dumb things.
5. One might feel that the ‘Stages of Grief’ are restricting and pigeon-holing, or one might find solace in them, validation. Or both, depending on the day.
6. Take the help while it’s offered. People soon skip out, and forget, don't call. Don't text.
7. I must be gentel on myself. Be good to myself. Must take care of me.
8. Cry. It’s ok. Let it flow. Let it all out.
9. Grief comes in waves. When I don’t expect it. When you’re driving and there’s a song. When you’re shopping and can’t find the soup. When you’re alone. When you’re surrounded. Grief is now part of journey. It’s ok. Embrace the pain, it is your pain, and you own it, and it honors your struggle and loss. And it will come and go. And slowly it will fade. It will come back to visit. But you don’t NEED to hold on to it.
10. Honor the lost. Wallowing is ok. Don’t live there forever, but honoring is good. Pictures, creativity, movement, dedication.
11. People move on. You feel your life has ended, and you watch everyone else’s life moving forward.
12. Find LOVE. In nature, in helping, in poetry, in music, in church, in painting, in how you speak with strangers.
13. Everyone you need will probably let you down. Do NOT base your needs or expectations on the shoulders of others.
14. Time does not heal all wounds. Time creates distance, and other people not directly impacted forget, which gives the illusion that things are moving in a 'better' direction. Time allows for self reflection, and some closure, but it doesn't heal.
15. Beauty can come from ashes. It takes hard work. Discernment. Prayer. Faith. Good Friends and Family.
2. In a group of people, I still feel alone. And yet, can still can panic attacks at both Safeway, and in my own bed.
3.On the bad days, it’s ok to know that I can count my blessings, or demons, by minutes: I made it past that minute. I can make it one more. This is just a bad day. There will be a new one tomorrow.
4. Some people mean well and will say dumb, hurtful things. Dumb people just still say dumb things.
5. One might feel that the ‘Stages of Grief’ are restricting and pigeon-holing, or one might find solace in them, validation. Or both, depending on the day.
6. Take the help while it’s offered. People soon skip out, and forget, don't call. Don't text.
7. I must be gentel on myself. Be good to myself. Must take care of me.
8. Cry. It’s ok. Let it flow. Let it all out.
9. Grief comes in waves. When I don’t expect it. When you’re driving and there’s a song. When you’re shopping and can’t find the soup. When you’re alone. When you’re surrounded. Grief is now part of journey. It’s ok. Embrace the pain, it is your pain, and you own it, and it honors your struggle and loss. And it will come and go. And slowly it will fade. It will come back to visit. But you don’t NEED to hold on to it.
10. Honor the lost. Wallowing is ok. Don’t live there forever, but honoring is good. Pictures, creativity, movement, dedication.
11. People move on. You feel your life has ended, and you watch everyone else’s life moving forward.
12. Find LOVE. In nature, in helping, in poetry, in music, in church, in painting, in how you speak with strangers.
13. Everyone you need will probably let you down. Do NOT base your needs or expectations on the shoulders of others.
14. Time does not heal all wounds. Time creates distance, and other people not directly impacted forget, which gives the illusion that things are moving in a 'better' direction. Time allows for self reflection, and some closure, but it doesn't heal.
15. Beauty can come from ashes. It takes hard work. Discernment. Prayer. Faith. Good Friends and Family.
Monday, April 6, 2015
5 Years
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieve it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
- Dylan Thomas
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