Thursday, April 17, 2014
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Just Like That
I had a dream last night. Eh, I should probably back up. I've moved! (We've moved!) There was a grand plan that didn't work, but in the end we moved to a remote side of our little town and we are very happy in our little warm cubby hole in the redwoods. Pictures to come. Oh, I also have no TV, internet, or cell service at my new house, hence no postings since who knows when!!! Hmmm... so tranquil.
I've been sick. Again. I have a love hate relationship with doctors. I work in a hospital. It's weird to be sick in an environment where some people know all your business. And your boss knows nothing. And insurance is a nightmare when you have to go out of network-- EVEN FOR ME! It's true. *le sigh*
The majority of my staff was laid off. It was like the longest drawn out death EVER. The people I've loved all these years, do not love me anymore. I am the enemy. I am now the face of their hard working years flushed down the drains. I fought tooth and nail, pulled out every stop.
I had a dream last night. I was trying to park the truck. James' truck. I was trying to back it in to a tight spot on the cliff side of a mountain. I was close to having it parallel, and then the back tire slipped. I hit the gas and must have just dug a deeper rut and then I feel the back of the truck sink and then I could feel the truck sliding, sliding, sliding, dammitttt.... rolling crashing trees, boulders, crashing in through the window shield. I have been here before. Oh my God I'm going to die.
Yep it was that dream. Or in that category of dreams.
The anxiety is up. Not even knowingly. I *think* everything is fine. REALLY. A few Fridays ago Admin had an all day off-site interactive meeting. It required ACTIVE particiaption on behalf of everyone. Including me.... boo. I am not a speak-upper. I'm a reflecter, deflecter. I select my words carefully, after thinking about them for a long time. I was a very good girl. I participated. I raised my hand. I was not the last person to be called on. I did not hide. Behind the curtain, under the table or otherwise. I was the speaker for my group when we presented.
I was SOOOO proud of me when I left that evening. It was a very HARD (emotionally? outward, methodical, dedicated marathon of a day...) to me. I got to Safeway to buy groceries and could feel something happening about the cereal aisle. My chest was tight. My head was a little spinny. I only shopped for essentials after that, and headed toward the check out. The check out man was nice, but the bagger boy would.not.shut.up. By this time I was having trouble breathing. His words were circling my head... waiting to attack. No rest. I got out and RAN (with my cart) to my car. Once in the car full blown panic attack. Then, text from Nick.
Nick: We are out of propane for the BBQ.
Me: Ok
Nick: Can you get some?
Me: how?
Nick: Just stop by the gas station, go in and tell them you need one for a BBQ.
Me: ummm...
He calls me. "Babe, just go in. You tell them you need a propane tank for a BBQ- you need to buy one, not fill one up. Super easy."
Me: "I just-- go in and do that?
Nick: "Yep"
Me: "Just like that"
Nick: "Just like that"
Me: "Just like that"
Nick: What is the matter"
Me: "I think I'm having an issue"
Just like that. ALL of my outward energy had been ALL used up. I didn't have a single ounce left. Really. Truly. I felt like my heart, and soul, and privacy, and innards had all been turned inside out and were all just hanging out there. All exposed.
I told our new Worship Team Leader at church about a song I'd like for us to maybe sing. He got back to me a few weeks later and said it wouldn't sound good for a male voice to sing. Whooommp whomp. "So I think you should." OMG. You people are killing me. I just need to be appreciated and loved. I'm glad you have faith in me. Insert next panic attack here.
I've been sick. Again. I have a love hate relationship with doctors. I work in a hospital. It's weird to be sick in an environment where some people know all your business. And your boss knows nothing. And insurance is a nightmare when you have to go out of network-- EVEN FOR ME! It's true. *le sigh*
The majority of my staff was laid off. It was like the longest drawn out death EVER. The people I've loved all these years, do not love me anymore. I am the enemy. I am now the face of their hard working years flushed down the drains. I fought tooth and nail, pulled out every stop.
I had a dream last night. I was trying to park the truck. James' truck. I was trying to back it in to a tight spot on the cliff side of a mountain. I was close to having it parallel, and then the back tire slipped. I hit the gas and must have just dug a deeper rut and then I feel the back of the truck sink and then I could feel the truck sliding, sliding, sliding, dammitttt.... rolling crashing trees, boulders, crashing in through the window shield. I have been here before. Oh my God I'm going to die.
Yep it was that dream. Or in that category of dreams.
The anxiety is up. Not even knowingly. I *think* everything is fine. REALLY. A few Fridays ago Admin had an all day off-site interactive meeting. It required ACTIVE particiaption on behalf of everyone. Including me.... boo. I am not a speak-upper. I'm a reflecter, deflecter. I select my words carefully, after thinking about them for a long time. I was a very good girl. I participated. I raised my hand. I was not the last person to be called on. I did not hide. Behind the curtain, under the table or otherwise. I was the speaker for my group when we presented.
I was SOOOO proud of me when I left that evening. It was a very HARD (emotionally? outward, methodical, dedicated marathon of a day...) to me. I got to Safeway to buy groceries and could feel something happening about the cereal aisle. My chest was tight. My head was a little spinny. I only shopped for essentials after that, and headed toward the check out. The check out man was nice, but the bagger boy would.not.shut.up. By this time I was having trouble breathing. His words were circling my head... waiting to attack. No rest. I got out and RAN (with my cart) to my car. Once in the car full blown panic attack. Then, text from Nick.
Nick: We are out of propane for the BBQ.
Me: Ok
Nick: Can you get some?
Me: how?
Nick: Just stop by the gas station, go in and tell them you need one for a BBQ.
Me: ummm...
He calls me. "Babe, just go in. You tell them you need a propane tank for a BBQ- you need to buy one, not fill one up. Super easy."
Me: "I just-- go in and do that?
Nick: "Yep"
Me: "Just like that"
Nick: "Just like that"
Me: "Just like that"
Nick: What is the matter"
Me: "I think I'm having an issue"
Just like that. ALL of my outward energy had been ALL used up. I didn't have a single ounce left. Really. Truly. I felt like my heart, and soul, and privacy, and innards had all been turned inside out and were all just hanging out there. All exposed.
I told our new Worship Team Leader at church about a song I'd like for us to maybe sing. He got back to me a few weeks later and said it wouldn't sound good for a male voice to sing. Whooommp whomp. "So I think you should." OMG. You people are killing me. I just need to be appreciated and loved. I'm glad you have faith in me. Insert next panic attack here.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
those little details
The nightmares are back. Just like *that* there they are.
I was having a dream that James was being transferred from one skilled nursing facility to another, and I hadn't seen him in a while, and I missed him. I felt bad for not seeing him and not checking in. I hadn't seen him at the most recent place, and so I needed to check it out. I felt like it had been a long time. I heard that it was a smaller place, in a private residence where it would be more like a 'home' setting and he would get more one-on-one care. I liked that. But it made me feel bad too, because I knew I couldn't provide that for him here at home. It made me feel very bad... like I had 'left' him somewhere or forgotten about him. I felt very unsettled about it all. I had a very urgent feeling that I NEEDED to see him SOON. I was trying to figure out where the new place was.
and then I woke up.
and I didn't know where the new place was. The bed was empty next to me. and I was sad. I wondered and thought HARD. It had to be there (in my brain). It was Santa Cruz, right? It was close, I was pretty sure. Maybe Watsonville actually. No no... It was Aptos! That was it. A-ha! He was in a little place in Aptos. Ok. I'll go see him now. I'll figure out the address while I am driving. It's been too long since I've seen him. I began to recollect the last time I saw him... I thought... I thought it was in Aptos too? I was pulling my jeans on and then my socks, trying to pull all those little details together.
Oooooh effing bloody HELL. And just like that. Like waves that don't let up. That bury you deeper and deeper and pound on your back until you are completely face down in the sand and your lungs are filled with water and you can't breathe and actually you don't really want to any more.... I remembered. My husband is dead.
I had to rebuild it. Like I usually do, when I wake up like this. I either forget where I am (waking up in my own bed) or I forget where he is. I have to start at the beginning. And re-live each detail, in order to get to the end... in sequence... to where I am right now. Re-live the heartbreak. The accident. The seizures. The hospital stays. The psychosis. The medicine. The first death of his soul and the final death of his body. All of it. The loss of my very best friend.
In April it will be 4 years.
Yes, I am re-married. Yes, Nick was working a night shift. Yes, I still have nightmares.
I am a work in progress. I hope if James is looking down here he knows how much I LOVE and MISS him every.single.day.
I was having a dream that James was being transferred from one skilled nursing facility to another, and I hadn't seen him in a while, and I missed him. I felt bad for not seeing him and not checking in. I hadn't seen him at the most recent place, and so I needed to check it out. I felt like it had been a long time. I heard that it was a smaller place, in a private residence where it would be more like a 'home' setting and he would get more one-on-one care. I liked that. But it made me feel bad too, because I knew I couldn't provide that for him here at home. It made me feel very bad... like I had 'left' him somewhere or forgotten about him. I felt very unsettled about it all. I had a very urgent feeling that I NEEDED to see him SOON. I was trying to figure out where the new place was.
and then I woke up.
and I didn't know where the new place was. The bed was empty next to me. and I was sad. I wondered and thought HARD. It had to be there (in my brain). It was Santa Cruz, right? It was close, I was pretty sure. Maybe Watsonville actually. No no... It was Aptos! That was it. A-ha! He was in a little place in Aptos. Ok. I'll go see him now. I'll figure out the address while I am driving. It's been too long since I've seen him. I began to recollect the last time I saw him... I thought... I thought it was in Aptos too? I was pulling my jeans on and then my socks, trying to pull all those little details together.
Oooooh effing bloody HELL. And just like that. Like waves that don't let up. That bury you deeper and deeper and pound on your back until you are completely face down in the sand and your lungs are filled with water and you can't breathe and actually you don't really want to any more.... I remembered. My husband is dead.
I had to rebuild it. Like I usually do, when I wake up like this. I either forget where I am (waking up in my own bed) or I forget where he is. I have to start at the beginning. And re-live each detail, in order to get to the end... in sequence... to where I am right now. Re-live the heartbreak. The accident. The seizures. The hospital stays. The psychosis. The medicine. The first death of his soul and the final death of his body. All of it. The loss of my very best friend.
In April it will be 4 years.
Yes, I am re-married. Yes, Nick was working a night shift. Yes, I still have nightmares.
I am a work in progress. I hope if James is looking down here he knows how much I LOVE and MISS him every.single.day.
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Back in the Saddle
So, the time has come. I got a new computer. Merry Christmas to me :)
*Hopefully* this means more blogging. Hopefully more thoughts shared, and connections made as a whole. Not just the darn computer...
2013 has been good. Challenging, and trying at times, but in the grand scheme of 'this is your life' it has been good and decent. There are plenty of drowning moments, in over my head, send me a life line, and then.... and then.... I get one. A call, a text, a something, a sign.
My motto for 2013 was: Be Direct. It was scary! It was helpful. I got a heck of a lot more accomplished, and felt more 'heard.' Huh. Funny tho- when you have more to say, and still aren't heard by the same people... oh, that's another post.
Anyhoo, I need a 2014 motto... got any? Celebrate everything. Be cute. Sing on key. Don't use the credit card. Call Dad every day. Match the damn socks when they come out of the dryer. Be love. Breathe deep. Make the time.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Summer 2013 Pictures
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| First day of school 2013-2014 Emi-1st grade, Lu-Freshman, Nat- 7th grade :) weeeeeeee |
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| Natural Bridges State Beach (before Nat broke her foot...2 hours later) |
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| 4th of July birthday girl!!!! |
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| Emi and bff Zak at Raging Waters |
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| Emi and Uncle Jackson |
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| Dinner out is always easy, no? |
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| Father's Day tribute to the dads in my life |
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| Lu's 8th grade graduation |
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| 1st toof is outta here! |
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| Like mother like daughter |
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| cousins!!! |
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| We love Monterey |
I'm An Auntie!!! :)
Baby Melody is here! Stacie and Mike welcomed perfect Melody in July. It was quite convenient that she delivered at the hospital that she, Alicia, and I all work at. How nice. :)
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Oh, hi :)
Hey there :)
Hity-ho, neighbor. heh.
I do not blog much these days. I LOVE to blog still, but it escapes me. The computer I usually blog from no longer supports blogger. When I can sneak away to one that does, I dare say... I have a kid or twelve in tow, or need a nap, or a hug, or maybe a sandwich.
My sweet girls are still sweet, just growing. Hmph. Precious as can be though. With a side of sass and snark sometimes... eeesh I get proud.
Work is.... challenging. I love my staff, and the people I work directly for, and the patients I serve. I do not always appreciate the politics behind all the decisions that affect me and my staff. Of recent, I am captain of a sinking ship, and that is a hard boat to sail gracefully.
Segway into a few weeks ago... I try to balance home/kids/dad/work/peeing by myself on occasion/etc all together. But alas, on a very important morning with a BIG meeting with Senior Leadership at the hospital, I managed to drop Emi off at Grandma's, Lu and Nat off at school, and drop back pack off to a friend, and make it into SV, dressed to the 9's... when I glanced down and only had my effing fluffy slippers on! Who does this? And no I can't shuffle into the hospital. I cried, and then laughed. And then both at the same time. And then I took a picture. I then I got to Payless. I slid into the meeting with a few minutes to spare. I sat next to the Hospital Admin. He says, "Good morning Meggie. How are you today?" To which I reply, "I made it to SV in slippers."
Another morning not long after one of our family fish (of the pair Paca and Jim Bob) had died at the hands(fins/teeth?) of a newly rescued friend's fish we named Big Papa. I tried in vain to resuscitate Paca and then got the fish net to scoop her up. In case you didn't know Oscar's fins are actually spines, and they have hooks on the end and DON'T come out of the NETS!!! DAMMIT! Now I have a 5 inch long fish gasping for breath in my hand. I tried to remove each spine, but there must be 500. BTW I hate fish! I'm looking at her and I can't even flush the little fucker now. I accepted finally that she had succumbed to fishy death... but the story doesn't end there. Of course not. Dont' ask me how, but somehow, it was a horrendous Sunday morning of miscommunications and me cussing at a helpless fish. I wrapped the flailing fish in a trash bag and threw it on the front seat of my Tahoe with the grand plan of tossing it in Grampy's trash truck when I picked up girls for church in 5 minutes.Well, in summary, kids weren't there, and I ended up driving (fast!) thru the valley with that damned bag on my front seat... and I was late to sing at church, and they lock their trash cans so I just had to RUN in and get to singing...all the while all I can think of is that bag, and that when church is over I HAVE to be the first one to the car, and not let the kids see or question, and then I STILL have to gt rid of it. In the end, I got $4 worth of gas at Chevron and offed the fish for good.
We are anxiously waiting word on a new job for Nick. Many months and intense interviews. This has been a long time coming. Surely this is what is next for us... PLEASE.
Alicia got a job at my hospital as a surgical tech. Stacie is pregnant.
Other not great health related things are stalking my family. I'm not going to get in to it, but if you feel led, you could pray.
Onwards, dear reader friends and family. I still read ALL blogs, and I just can't blog all that often.
XOXOX
Hity-ho, neighbor. heh.
I do not blog much these days. I LOVE to blog still, but it escapes me. The computer I usually blog from no longer supports blogger. When I can sneak away to one that does, I dare say... I have a kid or twelve in tow, or need a nap, or a hug, or maybe a sandwich.
My sweet girls are still sweet, just growing. Hmph. Precious as can be though. With a side of sass and snark sometimes... eeesh I get proud.
Work is.... challenging. I love my staff, and the people I work directly for, and the patients I serve. I do not always appreciate the politics behind all the decisions that affect me and my staff. Of recent, I am captain of a sinking ship, and that is a hard boat to sail gracefully.
Segway into a few weeks ago... I try to balance home/kids/dad/work/peeing by myself on occasion/etc all together. But alas, on a very important morning with a BIG meeting with Senior Leadership at the hospital, I managed to drop Emi off at Grandma's, Lu and Nat off at school, and drop back pack off to a friend, and make it into SV, dressed to the 9's... when I glanced down and only had my effing fluffy slippers on! Who does this? And no I can't shuffle into the hospital. I cried, and then laughed. And then both at the same time. And then I took a picture. I then I got to Payless. I slid into the meeting with a few minutes to spare. I sat next to the Hospital Admin. He says, "Good morning Meggie. How are you today?" To which I reply, "I made it to SV in slippers."
Another morning not long after one of our family fish (of the pair Paca and Jim Bob) had died at the hands(fins/teeth?) of a newly rescued friend's fish we named Big Papa. I tried in vain to resuscitate Paca and then got the fish net to scoop her up. In case you didn't know Oscar's fins are actually spines, and they have hooks on the end and DON'T come out of the NETS!!! DAMMIT! Now I have a 5 inch long fish gasping for breath in my hand. I tried to remove each spine, but there must be 500. BTW I hate fish! I'm looking at her and I can't even flush the little fucker now. I accepted finally that she had succumbed to fishy death... but the story doesn't end there. Of course not. Dont' ask me how, but somehow, it was a horrendous Sunday morning of miscommunications and me cussing at a helpless fish. I wrapped the flailing fish in a trash bag and threw it on the front seat of my Tahoe with the grand plan of tossing it in Grampy's trash truck when I picked up girls for church in 5 minutes.Well, in summary, kids weren't there, and I ended up driving (fast!) thru the valley with that damned bag on my front seat... and I was late to sing at church, and they lock their trash cans so I just had to RUN in and get to singing...all the while all I can think of is that bag, and that when church is over I HAVE to be the first one to the car, and not let the kids see or question, and then I STILL have to gt rid of it. In the end, I got $4 worth of gas at Chevron and offed the fish for good.
We are anxiously waiting word on a new job for Nick. Many months and intense interviews. This has been a long time coming. Surely this is what is next for us... PLEASE.
Alicia got a job at my hospital as a surgical tech. Stacie is pregnant.
Other not great health related things are stalking my family. I'm not going to get in to it, but if you feel led, you could pray.
Onwards, dear reader friends and family. I still read ALL blogs, and I just can't blog all that often.
XOXOX
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