Cannot Sleep

It is 1:27 and I cannot sleep. The brain in my head is on non-op. My ability to function is on the fritz, as is my hair, feeding the fish, and putting stamps on letters and bills I've mailed.

Where in the past I have handled stress relatively well: balanced and adjusted, balanced and adjusted... I've found of recent that actually I cannot handle stress, balance or adjustments at all. I go in head strong, but recent bouts with anxiety and panic attacks find me retreating for shelter. I don't necessarily even FEEL the panic first. I feel my heart pounding so hard I start to shake, can't catch my breath... and then it's all down hill. Once I can't catch my breath then I start to feel claustrophobic, and that doubles the anxiety, triples the heart, and takes me down.

I'm one for just a few really close friends, and many acquaintances. I fear that as I continue to retreat, all I manage to do is alienate the loved ones who are trying to reach out to me. I'm sorry. I don't know what else to do. Hang in there if you can.

Every morning I wake up and thank God that this was all just a bad dream. Every.Single.Morning. And then it hits me. Again.... Every.Single.Morning. And I have to relive every bit of the last 2 years that was mostly a landslide and in the end took James. Otherwise I don't believe it. Every time I hear a diesel engine I my heart assumes it is him in the truck and I feel an immediate relief, 'cause now that he's home things can get back to normal. But it's not him. This is real.

I went to a benefit BBQ the other day and counted up the members of my family... OK I am a family of 5, plus my dad, James' mom and step dad, his sister... bought tickets, handed them out. And had one left. Well where did this come from? ............Sh*t. I counted James. I am NOT a family of 5. I am a family of 4. FOUR FOUR FOUR. Can't get it through my head....

This implies that I am a mother of 3 and no husband. But I'm married. I still wear my ring, and wear one of James' rings too now. But a document I signed the other day for USMC one of the gazillion forms I need to sign, and it needed the date the marriage ended. And the date pre-entered was the date of his death. I have never thought of it like that. I can't do this. I want to argue with that damn form and tell them I don't want to put that. I know what they mean, it just hurts to see it in writing.

This changes how I define myself. And I just can't do that. The side bar 'about me' on my blog says: mommy, wife, daughter. It's his death, but it's killing me.

I've started grocery shopping at other stores so I hopefully won't run into anyone. It's the knowing looks. Nobody knows what to say. It's OK! Just tell me you don't know what to say, but you just thought you'd say hi. That's not the way it is though. It's the knowing looks of pity: OMG, she's that mom whose husband died. It's the knowing looks of recollection on eye-contact and then they dart the way. It's the knowing looks of people I don't know very well who want to stop and have a heart-to-heart in the soup aisle and find out what really happened. Oh for the love of God, people, I just want everyone to know how to act around me even if I don't know what that is. I know; it's a stretch... and not practical. I know. I know. I get it. Boo.

For a while my body was letting me sleep as much as I wanted, as often as I needed to escape. Tonight I am praying for that to return, cause this staying up thing, tossing and turning, thinking and mulling, panicking and anxiety have got to stop. It makes for good blogging topics and inspiration , but nothing for the soul. Just want my soul back.

Memorial Day

Photo Shoot

Not too much I can put into a blog these last few weeks. Words are few. Emotions many. So pictures are frequent in the interim.

Baby It's Cold Outside

Or is it just cold in my heart?

It's not cold outside. Not here. It's been beautiful mid 70's weather... but we are lighting a fire tonight and sending letters to James.

And for father's day we will send up our words of love attached to balloons. As soon as they are out of sight we'll know he's got them.

"In my distress I screamed to the Lord for His help. And He heard me from heaven..."
-Psalm 18:6

I believe he screamed, and I believe the Lord heard, and that He said, "Come on home. It's ok. It's time."

... but I'm still sad.

Logistics

The grief comes in waves. It washes in and then washes back out, sometimes taking me with it. I find solace in conversations with strangers who have no idea what I have been through. I just want to be treated normal. AND I just want everyone else to be on their best behavior while I figure out the highs and lows and try to re-acclimate to a life zone that doesn't include my husband any longer. AND I don't want pity. AND I don't want anyone else to tell me every thing's going to be ok. Because it's not. Please don't try to gauge me and label which stage of grief I'm at. So maybe that's not normal... it sure is asking a lot of every one else.

And then I'm snapped right back to reality and have to deal with the present.

A neighbor's nanny came over this afternoon whom I hadn't met before. She was looking for the child she was supposed to be keeping care of. He happened to be in my house. I invited her in, introduced myself, excused the clutter, swung a leg over Emi and went to retrieve the missing child. When I returned Emi had engaged her in a full conversation about the lady's family: brothers, sisters, mommies and daddies. The lady then appropriately asked Emi: "and where's your daddy?"

Sinking heart of mine starts right about now. Close my eyes. Breathe. Hang on for dear life(and the wall). Push the panic down. Breathe. Swallow. Open my eyes. Breathe. Listen:

"Um, my daddy is up in heaven. Way up high in heaven with his wings on."

Missing Him

This is my best friend and I am really missing him right now. I'm going through some old things and finding long lost treasures. Man he and I have been through the fire together, but the good times were good, and I was SO sure that true love would prevail and we would gallop off into the sunset and live in bliss. Apparently not so.

Tonight I find little remnants of this man. The man I love, and the reasons why...

In his drawer I find four things:
1. His one month sober chip
2. His cross
3. His Marine Corps tie clip
4. One barbie shoe =) <--always a daddy at heart

Learning...

Things I am learning that I really shouldn't be learning. I don't want to learn this stuff. Really I don't.

You find out who are your real friends, when they will:
- come and be with you when you tell your children their daddy has died
- help you pick out your husband's plot
- offer to call the coroner for you 'cause you just can't bring yourself to do it
- go with you to purchase your funeral outfit
- research which dress blues Marine Corps uniform I'm supposed to bury my husband in
- let me talk thru burying him with his wedding ring or without?
- fold at least 3 weeks worth of unmatched socks
- come climb into my bed, hug me tight, and let me just cry

Life has always presented its challenges in surplus to me. I manage. I deal. Sometimes I win and sometimes I don't. And mostly things turn out ok. But this is not supposed to be how this turned out. We were supposed to grow old together and sit on our porch in our rocking chairs and watch the sunset. I was not supposed to end up a widow at 30.

Reminiscing

Lost...

Where do you start? My world changed Tuesday. James has died. And I am heart broken.

Funeral arrangements are in process. Nothing set yet.

Easter 2010