Day #29

Less than a month after Lu was born, was Columbine. Just 2 months after Nat was born, was 9/11. When Emi was born we were just 2 weeks out from James' first (failed) spinal fusion. When she was born he was still on a walker. No one could tell the MRSA was taking its toll.

I, admittedly, had post partum depression after each child, most notably after Nat.But especially for the first two, those events that were being played out on every tv show, radio, newspaper, left little to do other than just be totally immersed, obsessively waiting for the next update. With 9/11 I was SO terrified that they were going to attack the West Coast next. Yes the president had issued a no fly order, but I still woke up every.single.damn.time a truck drove by, for fear the sound was actually a plane.... theirs.

I got to a point when I did NOT watch anymore updates. I had to seclude myself from all the differing and varying updates and speculations, theories and debates. It was absolutely maddening.

It's OK to limit external intrusions, especially of such mgnitude. Staying sane is a very real and important part of being a parent or adult. And, no one tells you ahead of time that you might have to work really hard to get one foot moving after the next.

I'm not quite there with Maddy, but I'm close. I allow myself an update or 2 a day. I don't read the social media comments in articles or postings. Some people need to grieve and some people need to move on. BOTH are fine. But it bugs me no one when one insists the other is wrong.

I'm no less heartbroken than I was yesterday. Perhaps a tad more numb. I've talked with each of my girls separately about what has happened in our beach town. I think it's important that I acknowledge that they will hear all about it sooner or later, and in that light I want to know that I laid the foundation for understanding the facts. Seeing past speculation. Accepting differing opinions. Understanding that there is more than one broken hearted family. It's ok to NOT engage in conversations about it if they prefer. AND, let's talk about how we can keep ourselves and eachother safe. HONOR gut instincts. Believe yourself when something doesn't feel right and Get. Out.

I just sat with Emi and rocked her a bit on my lap. Our heads each resting in the crook of each others necks. Trying to hold it all together. Another family is not rocking their little girl tonight. And another family's son is likely never coming back and will know no such comfort ever again.

Real life is tough. I don't know that I'm cut out for this. Thankful to be signing off from my isolated spot on the mountain tonight.