Preparation

I have been a recluse in my own head these last few days. Putting extra hours in at work, to get us *ahead*. I've been grocery shopping twice. 10 loads of laundry done, everyone has clean sheets and bedding. I put up the curtains in Lu's room that I'd been saying I'd get to for the last 3 months.

Believe it or not (from above) but actually spent good, long, quality time with the kids. We went over the hill to the theatre and saw a good, obnoxious, girl movie. And ate mozzarella sticks and ice cream dibs. We came home and as evening set in, we cuddled. Even the big girls, they are cuddlers and I love that. We slept in on Sunday and had ridiculous amounts of cereal all.day.long. I was not feeling up to playing Monopoly with Bitty (and I SHOULD have... argh) but I DID let her dump out her entire Lego collection on the living room floor and just play.

It was HOT (100°+) Sunday. I grabbed my favorite snuggly blanket and pillow and went outside about 3pm to the shade. I kicked a few leaves away and then plopped down in the shaded corner of the deck and SLEPT for 3 hours. Oh my body. My brain. My stress. My neck and shoulders. My nerves.

I also in my haste to leave everything ahead of schedule, understandable, and noted, paid all the bills thru the next several weeks. I printed a copy of the 'these are our bills and accounts' spreadsheet for hubby. These are due then; I use that 1st paycheck to pay that bill, and then those ones at end for mortgage. These are allllllllllll of the accounts, the websites, the log ins, the passwords. You shouldn't need it, but if you do, it's easy-peasy-lemom-squeezy.

This is what my mind does when I am sick. When I am preparing for scary outcomes. As I'm driving down the road yesterday I think: this may be the last time you see this view - take it ALL in and enjoy it. It hurt my heart to leave my girls at gramma's last night. I hugged them over and over and over again. But they were SO excited for taco night at gram's!!! :)

Meanwhile I am a mess inside. What am I doing? How could I be in a position to have a surgery with 20% risk of severe complications? Was it not enough salads? Was it my genetic make up? Was it worrying about EVERY. POSSIBLE. THING? My girls have lost SO much already. WHAT have I done???? What crisis have I been swept up into that I would allow them to be subject to this? My brain, my sorrow, my heart, my love. It never stops.♡



In better news...
Post-procedure is going pretty well. I have worried for nothing. Post op nausea came on just as expected. Kept on top of that. Pain started to kick up a little, so doc said I should stay a little longer. Settling into my actually comfy (for a hospital) bed watching 27 Dresses on closed caption TYVM.

I am beyond blessed. I DO have a body that can heal. I AM resilient- my mind, my soul, and my body. I am a mom, made of very protective instincts and fibers that will always try to do what is best for my family, my friends, and my precious littles. I got this.

(Hard to keep all in perspective when my gut is saying: PREPARE!)

Just signed off for the night, with this text to the girls:
"Muah muah. Muah muah. Muah muah. A set of muah (kisses) for each of you. One for each cheek. We're french ;) "

♡

Day #40

I did it. Boooo-ya. 40 days. Almost consecutively. Tah-dahhh!


In summary. I can do almost anything if I set my mind to it. But something's gotta give, and most often to blog every night meant less time with my hubby or less interaction with my kids. :/ so, maybe I'm not the best multi-tasker.

One of the things I struggle with is NOT being able to chit chat well. My mood is often perceived as aloof. Gahhh social anxiety is.my.life. Maybe one day.... I .... could just be completely transparent. Maybe some day I could talk to the people close to me about the baggage I still haven't unpacked.

So, if you've kept up thru this 40 day adventure, thank you :).

My next bag to unpack and share is that I am having surgery at Stanford a week from today and I am scared out of my mind. I have what I fondly refer to as my cranky-panky. I have a little issue with my pancreas, liver, kidneys, that I've had for a while... but it's just getting worse. My surgery is not an intensive surgery, on the lesser invasive side, but, has a 20% chance of complication. I have put it off for months trying to face that, but the time is now.

My life will be far more enjoyable without a cranky-panky, without liver overload and damage, and without chronic kidney infections that just.dont.quit. Not to mention the obvious pain. I could really go for a down shift in pain. Really.

If you're the praying kind, pray for me? Or send good thoughts, light a candle. I'd appreciate it.

Day #39

I'm a fricken hero. I took the kids back to school shopping and didn't lose my cool. Maybe cuz I never was cool, but that's a post for another time.

No body knows how to run checks?? Why? Is it weird that I don't want to put it on my credit card? No interest fees for me thankyouverymuch. I'm learning how to be an adult, so don't slow my process, yo. No ATM card for me because it's sooooo easy to take $$ out and then, and then, it's alllll gone. Take my checks, dammit!

So then by the 3rd store who 'could' take a check but didn't know HOW, I succumbed to the evil credit card usage. But on the 4th store, it was declined! Why, you ask, because they never see transactions like this from me! (Shocker!) I always use cash or check for this crap. Uggghhhhhh.

Declined credit card over the hill= hungry, unfed kids, crankiness, headaches, and just low lying panic. Butt.... we are done shopping and Little Bitty got a perfect pink backpack with moose on it. ♡

Ps. Stay at home moms (who, notably, do not have it easier) are always SO flippen skinny :/ I waaaannnntttt my waist back. I want my body to like me again, and stop this revolting. Blehhhh. Rant over

Day #38

What do I want my children to know?

1. True love is real.
2. Don't settle.
3. Real life hurts real bad.
4. Don't underestimate effort and time.
5. Laugh often.
6. Listen to the stories.
7. Volunteer.
8. Find a job you LOVE.
9. Do what is just not what is justified.
10. Follow your heart.
11. Walk the walk of someone you disagree with.
12. Don't jump to conclusions.
13. Be open to love, life, faith.
14. Invest in friendships.
15. Surround yourself with music, nature, creativity.
16. You can't change anyone's mind if you set out to.
17. Live your truth.
18. You can't hate anyone into heaven.
19. Love requires sacrifice. Both ways.
20. You are worth it.
♡ ♡ ♡

Day #37

Here from my bed, I am watching the most amazing thunder and lightning storm! This is incredible!

I am a lover of *most* God-made things. (We exclude snakes, rats, hurricanes, tornadoes, and depending on who's cooking, brussel sprouts.)

This is exactly what I needed. A little summertime rain to cleanse the soul, and a lightning show to remind me just how glorious this world can be.

♡

Day #36

I am a wild child at heart, but a recluse born of comfort and consistency. I am a lover of most things, including people, falling deeply attached, except when they don't stop talking... breathe! I thrive on cold, country night air when I'm all bundled up. I feel ALIVE when I can feel the cold air come into my lungs.

I am Plain Jane. I don't stand out; I blend right in. Most days my preference is that I'm completely invisible. I like to be with people in the sense that we are enjoying things together, or at the same time. But I'd love to be invisible in that crowd behind my big sunglasses.

I am steadfast and set in my ways. It is comfortable and... predictable. Anything unknown, no matter how small or insignificant, will start my heart just tripping over itself, beating as fast as needed to get out of my body and far far away.

I try to do the right thing, never mind the 5 miles longer, skepticism, or panic I must ride out. And, if you know me, I couple this shy, introvet life with a wicked tongue when I boil over and am in a safe place to unleash.

I can't multiply or add big numbers in my head. I can't remember the words to songs without them written out. Until then, the song is just sounds, one after the next, so that's what I sing. I am so, totally, dyslexic. More so with whole words, not just letters.

I am easily distracted by noise. If you chew a chip and that chip isn't totally in your mouth yet or you chew with your mouth open, even one bite, you are as good as dead to me. It literally pains me. If I don't have to eat with people, I won't. It's gross, and I need to get on with my day.

I am creative in spurts. I am not one for mess or chaos. Tho, funny, my life is notably particularly so.

I am captivated by music. Most kinds, especially live music. I breathe acoustic guitars, the cello, violin, piano. All day long if I could.

I am a lot of things. But mostly just me.

Day #35

Today was a day for recollection and reflection. And none of it on purpose.

A gal at work was talking about sewing patches on her daughter's junior lifeguard suit in preparation for tomorrow. Suprisingly that is all. it. takes. To get my mental wheels turning and cranking those old memories right up to the surface.

Two days before James left for Okinawa he was promoted. Awesome sauce. The night before shipping out I was trying to convince him to sleep. And I was sewing (trying) to sew the new chevrons on his 3 uniforms.

He could not sleep. He was hallucinating a little. I was only a little alarmed. I knew he was scared and worried. I knew he was distraught that that they would ship to Okinawa, and then be told they were deploying from there -no time to say goodbye to family and friends. Maybe I should have tuned in more to those hallucinations. They weren't major or frightening, only a little off.

He refused to leave my side. He insisted on trying to rest on the couch while I sewed on his chevrons. Normally, on base there is a seamstress who does this. But this was last minute; he was leaving at 4am. I likely wouldn't get to sleep before he left. I'd be slewing the whole time.

Well..I'm not a sew-er. I can re-hem an inch of the pant leg if it gets a snag. I can re attach a button. How difficult could it be to sew these chevron patches on (one on each sleeve, of each of the 3 uniforms.) HARD!!! Those little bastard child chevrons ate my fingers up. The patches were SO thick. I don't own a thimble. "Buck up, self. Your husband is a Marine. Ready to sacrifice all, and you can't sew on some measly patches!" I'd push the needle in to the next spot and see the needle disappear. I'd turn it over to grab it from the other side and thread it through BUT it wasn't there. What the heck!?!?

Needle lost? No! The needle was in my finger. Yes IN my finger. How is this possible? Because I'd been sewing SO long, first my fingers hurt, but now they were numb! These little invasive needles over and over again embedded themselves in my chubby, numb fingers. Since I couldn't feel anymore, not being able to feel the needle was a problem. And, whoomp whoomp, my fingers started to bleed. I bled ALL over his chevrons and uniform sleeves.

No one would notice, right? I mean, for a Marine, it would be more manly (or somethimg) to have BLOOD on your uniform, right?

No. James was HORRIFIED. But what else could be done? He said "NOT your wife's blood!"

Today, as I recalled that night, when I got to the: NOT YOUR WIFE part, I was also instantly reminded that James also refused and was appalled when someone called a white ribbed tank top, a wife-beater. No. No no no. He renamed them WIFE LOVER shirts. Not once after that did he call it by anything else.

There was no lack of love on his part.

I think that's part of the pain. No lack of love. ♡

Day #34

Little Bitty got her little bitty soccer gear today.

New fridge (gifted) and new microwave (our old one threw a clot) have made the kitchen look fancy.

Lu is thoroughly enjoying the internship. And this morn got 'caught' eating applesauce and in her flip flops waiting for her ride (from the lawyer.) She quickly finished up her applesauce, kicked off her flips, and swiftly put them both in the mailbox. :/

Nat went to the doc today. When it was time for the physical exam, the doc asked if she could pull up nat's shirt a bit to feel around her tummy. Doc was SO surprised to see Larry! Larry would be the smiley face she drew with a SHARPIE on her rolly belly parts. She can also make him talk. It never ends, people. I can NEVER quite anticipate what will come next.


That's a wrap, folks.

Day #33

Some days I need an attitude adjustment. I'd like to think that this is not the norm. Today is one of those days.

I have nothing to complain about. I have my new hubby, healthy kids, a home, a job, running water, enough money to buy a weeks worth of groceries today, my new church, good friends and good fam. I am blessed. Oh, Choco Vodka too. Add that to the blessed list.

Why would someone be picky, argumentative, extra sensitive, moody when life in big picture is full? I'm sure there's some decent reasons, but none that I can justify... PMS-ing, woke up on the wrong side if the bed, you're chewing too loud, I didn't get enough sleep, I have a headache.

I am guilty of being far too sensitive today. I snapped when I shouldn't. I griped about trivial things; I too can make cutting remarks, nothing that I am proud off.

It was a good day today and I let it be ruined. What a crock of crap I can be.. ugh!!!
Why? I wish I could wear my insecurities somewhere other than my relationships and let those harsh words escape my lips. I am human and I feel, but I wish I didn't lash out.

My hair is SO frizzy, I've been so good about NOT eating crap and haven't dropped a pound, my jeans done fit, I am sick, is this too much house and responsibility, how did I get here, biggest zits ever -shouldn't this have stopped in my teens, will hubby get his promotion, there's always that one person who can't keep their word, never keeps plans, why am I not good enough for them? (if you're reading this-- it's not you! ♡). I slept til 11 today and it was amazing, but I prob should have gone running. This will eat at me all day. Do I have to get up and speak at work tokorrow? Most days I think life is ambushing me.

For some, there is an underlying reason for the insecurities. That is they key. How does one get there?

Day #32

I LOVE the weekends. Sleep in a bit. Roll my weary body out of bed. Breathe the mountain air. I also sleep with the bedroom balcony door open almost every night. This air... I can't get enough.

As is our routine, we head out and grab breakfast to go, most Saturdays. Today we made our way down to a smaller, less frequented beach. It was gorgeous.

Beach, babes, breakfast. The air was cool and peaceful , and the sand was warm. The waves were crashing and so soothing. And then the dolphins joined us a put on a little show. There was maybe 7 of them. We just sat, quiet, in awe, seeing this beauty, breathing the amazing air, content.

These are my moments, my home base, my recharge. I've lived enough in survival mode. I am a much, much more thoughtful, longterm, grounded, self preserving contributer to society. Must remember that my health, heart, soul, mind must bed fed literally and spiritually of hearty, healthy matter if I plan on sticking around.

Day #31

Today.

I spent the day both feet in, completely consumed. On absolute purpose.

16 years ago today I married my high school sweetheart, my very best friend. We said "I do" till death do us part.

And that, we did. ♡♡♡♡

Day #30

Today I left work just a little bit early. Scooted over the hill into SJ and made my way to a large law firm. 10 attorneys. Large office. Plush, black leather furniture.

But not to worry.

I have no business there other than to pick up my Lu (16) from her internship and say hi to a friend. :)

An aquaintance type friend, neighbor, was incidentally at a summer BBQ we attended several weeks ago. The friend, who is a dad of a small, sweet fam, is a lawyer. He and lu got to chatting over the chips and dip. They chatted and laughed life old friends. By the end of the BBQ he had offered her a summer internship in his his highly regarded law firm in Silicon Valley.

I am awe-stricken. Thank you, normal human being, for going out of your way to give my child an amazing, once in a life time opportunity. There is nothing that even compares to believing in a little human being when they are so.... so..... on the cusp of adulthood and unsure of themselves.

She has gotten to LIVE the life of a good, fun, fast moving law firm. She gets to dress up each morn in slacks, shirt, blazer, a sassy little purse, and earrings. She gets up EARLY. She makes a cup of tea, and is out the door. She files, she scans, she does paperwork. AND she gets to go to court when the lawyers have hearings, and goes to all the meetings, including a Silicon Valley networking meeting.

What a deal!!! I am so excited that she gets to have this perfect opportunity.

When I went to pick her up I could see through the window that she was working hard, and interacting well with the staff. They were laughing, chatting, working. My love. You have been blessed.

Thank you world, God, friends, for still believing in our youth and allowing them into your world for a few short weeks. This is what shapes little human beings. What an experience. Thank you thank you thank you.

Day #29

Less than a month after Lu was born, was Columbine. Just 2 months after Nat was born, was 9/11. When Emi was born we were just 2 weeks out from James' first (failed) spinal fusion. When she was born he was still on a walker. No one could tell the MRSA was taking its toll.

I, admittedly, had post partum depression after each child, most notably after Nat.But especially for the first two, those events that were being played out on every tv show, radio, newspaper, left little to do other than just be totally immersed, obsessively waiting for the next update. With 9/11 I was SO terrified that they were going to attack the West Coast next. Yes the president had issued a no fly order, but I still woke up every.single.damn.time a truck drove by, for fear the sound was actually a plane.... theirs.

I got to a point when I did NOT watch anymore updates. I had to seclude myself from all the differing and varying updates and speculations, theories and debates. It was absolutely maddening.

It's OK to limit external intrusions, especially of such mgnitude. Staying sane is a very real and important part of being a parent or adult. And, no one tells you ahead of time that you might have to work really hard to get one foot moving after the next.

I'm not quite there with Maddy, but I'm close. I allow myself an update or 2 a day. I don't read the social media comments in articles or postings. Some people need to grieve and some people need to move on. BOTH are fine. But it bugs me no one when one insists the other is wrong.

I'm no less heartbroken than I was yesterday. Perhaps a tad more numb. I've talked with each of my girls separately about what has happened in our beach town. I think it's important that I acknowledge that they will hear all about it sooner or later, and in that light I want to know that I laid the foundation for understanding the facts. Seeing past speculation. Accepting differing opinions. Understanding that there is more than one broken hearted family. It's ok to NOT engage in conversations about it if they prefer. AND, let's talk about how we can keep ourselves and eachother safe. HONOR gut instincts. Believe yourself when something doesn't feel right and Get. Out.

I just sat with Emi and rocked her a bit on my lap. Our heads each resting in the crook of each others necks. Trying to hold it all together. Another family is not rocking their little girl tonight. And another family's son is likely never coming back and will know no such comfort ever again.

Real life is tough. I don't know that I'm cut out for this. Thankful to be signing off from my isolated spot on the mountain tonight.

Day #28

I'm in a state of total, complete disbelief. Miss Maddy was found last night, dead and dumped in a dumpster. 26 hours after reported missing. They think she was dead before the mom even reported it. My heart is broken wide open. Just take all of my feels and hang em out and drag them on the ground. I am riddled with pain.

I cannot even begin to understand. WHO hurts a child!?!?!?!?

I sit here with Emi next to me on the couch, and I am speechless. My heart alternating between such great pain and being numb. What would I ever do, God forbid this happen to me or someone close to me. I could.not.go.on.

I look at Emi and her perfect little goofy tooth grin, and her little bitty shoulders. My heart is hurting over the loss and manner of death of Maddy. We are called to protect. It is my honor and complete and total privilege to have these kids. Precious babies. I do not understand.

These are crank the radio, roll the windows down, drive to the green rolling hills for miles and sing LOUDLY. Deep and from the soul. Let it out. Don't give me any of that happy, chipper crap. I need mournful, thoughtful, REAL music to move me.

I have a LOT of questions for God right now. I am mad and angry and feel abandoned. Our (town's) children needed a God that night, a savior to step in. How was she held in His palm, cherished, and loved unconditionally, yet this happened. Ball's in your court, G-man. I'm out.

Day #27

So my head is spinning. A little 8 year old girl went missing yesterday in Santa Cruz. She is just about the same age as Emi. Oh my heart. It is breaking. Apart.

The Sheriff's have been combing the area by foot, helicopter, with dogs. The FBI is here, and swift water rescue, The Polly Claas Foundation, and the Red Cross.

I want to go out there and search. I don't want to step on any toes. I don't want to be in the way. But I feel compelled to help. What else is there to do? Let me feed you. Oh Red Cross has that covered. Can I feed the Red Cross people? Can I feed the spouses of the Sheriff's who are home alone while spouses work on this search?

My mommy brain is not turning off. As I'm driving I'm checking every child I pass. I searched my property. I told my kids all about this. We need to pray. We need to keep ourselves safe. But I don't want to jade them. Right? They need to know, but we don't need to hunker down and never talk to a stranger again.

And then another part of me remembers a few years back when a hike went missing locally. Missing for days and police and dogs hiked, searched, sniffed everywhere. No luck. Then on day 5 or 6 or something a dad and his kid decoded to go to one of the well known hiking spots but take some lesser known trails. They needed to exercise, and the might as well be of use. And you know what??? They found the hiker! Slightly injured but mostly disoriented. But police had searched here already... um... well clearly not everywhere! Thanks to this citizen who'd been instructed to stand down, the hiker was found!

That just ruffles my feathers a bit. Must search over and over and over and over. Anything is possible.

Day #26

This morn I picked up my girl from camp. As I saw her and ran toward her with our arms open... she ran right past me to Emi. Ugh... just LOVE me BACK, kid.

We did things a little different this morn. We went home quick after pick up since camp isn't that far. Put in a load of laundry (yay laundry!)

Then we made our way to the big town, grabbed breakfast to go, and went to Sky Park for picnic style breakfast. This was like 10am. It was SO gorgeous. Beautiful sky, so clear, grass for days, and my sweet girls laughing and catching up. This. Is. Living.

Fresh air and a little perspective can re-shape any day.

Day #25

This is my life... almost simultaneously the following 3 things happened. No joke.

1. My garbage disposal eats my last favorite ice cream eating spoon. WHO in their right mind can eat dulce de leche Häagen-Dazs with a grinded spoon?

2. Emi looks up at me with the sweetest, most sorrowful face EVER. 'Mama... (BIG EYES)... I haven't done ANY headstands AT ALL today.... Can I please?'

3. Home phone rings. (Who calls us anyhow?) Hubby answers the phone "BUENO!" Oh, they think Nat may have broken her finger at
camp.... Does this surprise anyone? Nope!

TGIF!!!

Day #24

I just want to flush!

Amazing plumbing guys ordered parts and were sched to return here later today.... in the meantime... got up early and got my giddy up on and ready for work. Still sick. Whatev. Life goes on... or does it?

Got to work after several sick days off. Instantly reminded of the bathroom shortage there too. Oy. Take your pick: #1 Use the facilities dept men's bathroom, 2 feet from their desks, but they're not always there. Just gotta stalk them and strike when the iron's HOT. Or, #2 since main bathrooms being renovated use the (actually) very very nice porta-potties.... which are positioned right next to where the construction guys take break and eat snack and lunch on the curb where the porta potty rests. Boo. I'll hold it.

But *this* day was in my favor. It's Melly ' s 2nd bday today. This makes my heart smile. Then I got a text from Hubby that the WATER IS ON! OhMyStars. Bring it on home. And for the icing on the cake, a letter from the IRS. .. dun dun dun... my taxes were wrong... they owe me a real-true-life-no-lie refund!! Sweet, incredible relief. Now I can pay the water man. :)

Yay me!

Day #23

My ice cream has tine marks in it. This is a good representation of my day. I've resorted to eating my ice cream with a fork.

Still sick. Strep negative. No water. No bueno.

Maybe water tomorrow. Mayyybeeee Friday. Maybe. Limited flushing, no dishwashing, sponge baths, hydrate with... liquor? Argh.

Heading back to work tomorrow. We'll see how that goes. I'll keep to myself and not kiss anyone. But if the soaking sweats return with fever, I'm out.

Yes I have bottles of water. No this isn't the end of the world. But I'm cautiously reminiscent of my verrrryyyyy meager beginnings, life in a trailer, and no running water. Quite humbling.

Day #22

I think I missed a day... I really only know that because blogger told me.

I am sicker. Strep test still pending. But it doesn't FEEL like strep. so there's that. But I don't remember my throat ever hurting so bad, for so long. And when I sneeze, oh man, literally feels like my uvula just tore off. Then there's the fevers. Good times! No.

Also, our power went out last week, but then came back on but as a brown out. Then off and on and off and on and brown. No biggie. Power goes out all the time here in the sticks. Wellllllllll... it fried part of our pump system from the spring at the bottom of the property. And our holding tank was down to like... 1000 gallons... oh and the flood in the basement. FML. Plumbing guys out today, back tomorrow.... super DOOPER water rationing in effect.

I helped as much as I could, but pretty much just directed from my softy spot on the couch. I'm all caught up on Devious Maids, Undercover Boss, Last Alaskans, Royal Pains and Manhattan. And, I'm out of ice cream.