Celebration of James' Independence Day

April 6th marked the 2 year anniversary of James' death. Last year I was sick, and really kind of down for the count. (Which was probably pretty timely, actually... to not have to face that day head-on.)

One of James' favorite things to do EVER (which a dear friend reminded me after a fever induced dream...) was to take the girls, and whisk them away to Disneyland. He took them several times, usually last minute, and just beamed being able to take his girls to something like that.

The girls and I had talked for weeks about how we'd like to spend the day. Maybe go to a movie. Go to the park. Go eat at daddy's favorite restaurant. Bring things to his grave. Have a good cry. Look through photo albums. Release balloons with notes. The list went on and on...

But I felt the NEED to do something else. Something BIG and really unexpected. The girls and I never made final plans about Friday, we just left it that I'd need to see if I was able to get off work early on Friday. Thursday night I told the girls I didn't know if I could get off work early Friday, and so I proposed that we get up REALLY early the next morning and go have breakfast with the sunrise and celebrate daddy James. I didn't tell that what time. Because I like to think I'm sneaky sneaky. :)

At 3am Friday morn, Nick and I got up, and finished packing. We got the girls up about 4, and rolled them out of bed. (They were on spring break.) We purposely didn't tell them what awful time in the morning it was. We drove through our little town, and darn it, no restaurants were open, nor the next town, or the next. Shoot. Maybe we're going to have to drive a little bit farther to find breakfast. I told Nick he should drive to the next town and 'keep looking' and then turned back to the girls, trying to pretend to make the most of the time, and asked what their silly daddy would have done? Where would he have gone to breakfast? What were the other fun off the wall things he liked to do? And what did he like to do last minute? Let's think of all those funny things right now as a way to start our celebration. And lo and behold, don't you know, they remembered Disneyland was one of his faves, and theirs too. "How fun," I said. "We should really go to Disneyland sometime and remember daddy. That'd be super fun, wouldn't it?" Oh yes, they said. Too bad I wasn't able to get off work, and that it's too far away, that'd be something really special to do on a day like today..... Heh. I win. I totally WIN.

"Well, then... let's go!" WHAT!?!?!?! I should have taken a picture of their wide little eyes, and sparkle, the excitement well up... it was A.MAZ.ING.

We did stop to have breakfast a few hours later as the sun was coming up. Told lots of great stories and ate lots of super yummy, greasy, sugary breakfast foods until we couldn't eat any longer.

It was a fantastic trip. Short and sweet, made of so much excitement. And then the final piece was for the girls to each pick out a little Disneyland trinket that daddy would have really liked, and when we drove home on Saturday, we went right to James' grave before anything else, and put our gifts there to be with him, and thank him for all the great memories we have.

Pictures below. :)

need my friends

And all of your ideas.... friends, family, and friendly readers. Please.

2nd 'deathaversary'... 'home coming'... what do we call this? Whatever it is, its approaching, fast.

Last year I was sick, and literally lost two weeks, and the 1st anniversary was in there somewhere.

What do I do this year? What do the girls and I do? Im inclined and prepared to approach this as a celebration. Sounds odd. But I want the girls to be encouraged to STILL BE HAPPY, and NOT feel guilty for enjoying life still. We can celebrate james' life, maybe do something he would have liked doing? We can celebrate where he is now, and tho we may miss him, we can imagine all the great things he might be getting to do up there.

But WHAT shall we do? Suggestions? Please and thank you. :)


Xoxoxox

13 !?!?!?!

Really!?!?!?
WHO let this little love muffin (picture above from first day of kindergarten) turn 13? Today little Miss Lulu is 13. Oh how the days and years have gone by. What a source of inspiration, love, and dedication she has been to me. (With minor sprinklings of being irritating, heh.)

LOVE.THIS.GIRL.

All for Now

 An Update! An Update!

Girls, and Nick, and I are fine. We are less one dog…  But we are fine. It didn’t work to have 2 dogs. SO SAD. But we have found Fiddle (now named Lucky) a new home with a new family with kids, and no other dogs. He is much happier. And my house is much less hairy.

Nick got his motorcycle  up to the house finally. And took me on a ride. And it was so fun. VERY scary at first. VERY VERY VERY. I’m a VERY need to be in control kind of person, especially in a moving vehicle. It was definitely a sign of trust. That’s good for my soul.

I have been working on some really big projects for work, that are really draining me right now. They are good projects, and I am making head way, but needed a new outlet... and outside outlet. (I've only been sleeping on my free time. Always. Always need more sleep. Always need a nap.) So, I started the first couple steps of our very first vegetable garden. Hans and Emi were very helpful. Nick and Tony came by later after work and tilled the front yard too, and we put seed down. LOVE how my house is becoming a home.

Excited to spend the evening with my dad and some friends, to celebrate his 70th bday tomorrow night. (actual bday: March 19th.) *Hope* to get lots of good pics this year. This is a biggie. :)

Changes

Lots and Lots of changes....

First, James' beloved (I'm a big man, marine, roooar truck) took a dump. So... with lots of thought and thought and more thought a bit of tears... I came to the realization that its time was done. Oh it was a wonderful truck, with lots of fond memories. And it was a visual reminder of James. But, when  the heater went out, and then money went out. And then the transmission went out, and more money... and something else, and more money. I just couldn't do it any longer. On a brave day, with my big girl panties on, I decided that was they day. I took the truck....

AND my car. My saving 'I'll never own any car other than a benz', car... took them both, and traded them in...

 

For the below beauty. We call it a Tahoe. We call it a new age mommy van. We call it a, lets not pay for two vehicles any more, black beauty. With OnStar. Which is *GREAT* considering the rocky past I've had with cars and accidents and what nots.

 

We also got a dog. NEVER.EVER.THOUGHT. I'd hear those words come out of my mouth, or be put on my blog. But there it is. Fiddle is a love pie of a boxer, just over a year old. He is a sweet one, and super fun and playful, and so far only eats remotes and phones, but no shoes, and is perfect with the girls.

So... Fiddle (Plus Nick's dog, Hans.... who is hiding in the dog house) play well together, and with the girls. And play well, together, with the girls IN the dog house too. :) Fun.

Jackson has been away this year at college in Montana. And we miss him. He has been a BIG part of our lives. (I mean...really... I started dating James when Jackson was 5.) The girls miss him a lot. And Emi took the opportunity of having him home on Christmas,to snuggle with him, never mind the nap he was trying to take :)

These two little yay-hoo's continue to be cute and lovely. We are blessed.

Ok ok... and they are a little goofy too. Actually... honestly... mostly goofy. This really IS the norm. 

But the BIG news this year started really brewing around my birthday, as shown below. I wish we had a group shot. All of my favorite close by fam came, my dad, Grampy Jack, Grammy Syb, Stacie, Mike, Alicia, Jackson, Nick and the girls, Brittany, Kerri and Norm, my cousin Eric. It was super special. And my BFF happened to be there too, down from Petaluma, visiting her mom.

Right... so things were a brewing.

Nick had a little chat with my dad one night....

And then there was this :)
(With dad's blessing of course.)
I can't even begin to describe this all. Just super happy. A calm in my heart.

Soooooo... if this means... that I *potentially* get to be a princess for a day, or something.... I'm going to start dreaming now. And today's dream looks like this:

                                                                               ♥

Not

It is Christmas time.
I am blessed.
I am fortunate.
I am. I am. I am.

I am just not immune to holiday depression.
I am still not whole.

It seems all the holidays do is magnify the loss.

Time doesn't always provide wisdom; most times it reveals the weary.

go BIG or go home...

Welp, we went BIG, and didn't get home. So there you go.

The beginning of last week was spent much like a sprint to the finish line, preparing the hospital for a big, GIGANTIC computer system switch, and upgrade... more than a year in the making. Go live was slated for Thursday the 1st. So.... Wednesday night in particular was the final heave-ho of a 14 hour long work day...

But apparently there was a storm a-brewing out there. I wouldn't know, because I was in my non-windowed office. 60+mph winds, wear tearing our little towns apart. So.. when I attempted to leave sometime after 1030pm, I unfortunately found that I could not get home. Not even close. Damn Damn. Damn. Go live was scheduled for 4am the next morning... awesome.

Next day, I made good on something I had thought long and hard about. So on my lunch break on Thursday the 1st... during the stress of go-live... I escaped away and picked up a dog from the SPCA. We named him Fiddle. I always thought I wasn't a dog person. I was wrong. I am now totally in love with a one year old boxer.

Thursday night made it home, but no power. Not the end of the world. I can deal. Usually. I mean...not like corporate hospital folks would be at the hospital the next day, and that I didn't have a way to wash and or dry any clothes, let alone iron them if they had been clean.... oh yes and in this dark house, I now have a new dog. Sweet.

The power didn't come back on til Sunday.

In summary: in the span of 24 hours I worked long and hard at work, then couldn't get home, then got a dog, and brought him home to a house without electricity for 5 days.

That's right. Just how I roll ;)

Picture Only Updates

Little Bits

Dad is home, after 3 months... he is home, and healthy. So glad.

All the girls had lice. After 16 loads of laundry, the dryer died. And the girls still had lice.

Feel very much like work owns my soul. Bringing two hospitals up onto an electronic health record, is awesome in the long run, and awful in the interim.

Nick is God-send. I am so blessed.

Emi got her hair cut during the lice fiasco. And then she cut it on her own after that.

The back yard is beautiful after the first rains of the seasons. Can't wait to post pics as we've transformed it.

The oven is not working again. Tomorrow, the new washer and dryer come...AND the Sears man comes to try and fix the oven again. If it doesn't work, I get a new one. If I need a new one, it won't come until AFTER Thanksgiving, which means... free pass to NOT host thanksgiving again :)

Finally ordered mom's headstone. Should be set in the next few weeks.

That's all for now.

Don't Judge the Book by Its Cover

I REALLY try not to whine (too much) on this blog. But I just can't keep the whining to myself; it must spill somewhere... Today it's going to be here.

Last week the following broke: my dish washer, my garbage disposal, my toilet, my lawn mower, my truck, and my computer. Lorianne has been sick and in and out of the hospital. She also lost her cell phone. All my fishies but one has died this week. My gym closed its doors this week. Last week was the 5 year anniversary of mom's death. We are taking my hospital up on a brand new all inclusive computer program, and the time and energy, and training, and learning, and implementing of that... owns my soul right now.

On Saturday Nick and I decided to take the girls up the coast. We wanted to go get pumpkins, and there are some great pumpkin farms out there. We decided to drive PAST all of the pumpkin farm between Santa Cruz and Half Moon Bay, so we could really scout them all out, and pick the VERY BEST one to go to on our way back. We found the one, decided to continue on to Half Moon Bay for lunch, and then return to the chosen pumpkin farm. Sounds bueno. Still does, actually.

Lunch was lovely, and we were having a grand ol time. We pulled up to the VERY BEST pumpkin farm, which also had a corn maze, and we drove our truck to the VERY top of the VERY tall hill where there was a little bit of parking left. We opened the doors, ready to fling ourselves into the fall season and colors.... and... and... Natalie screams bloody Fn murder, and I look down, she is not even OUT of the truck yet, and a bee has landed and stung her. Oh no. No really. OH NO. This would be the only one of my children who is allergic to bees. Not a little swelling that will go down with benadryl and ice, noooooooo... this is my child who goes into anaphalactic shock. FML.

I'm trying to calm her down, and at the same time, tell Nick that her epi-pen is in the center console. Get it. NOW. He gets it, opens it, hands it to me. But I'm shaking too much. I can't do it. I hand it back to him and give him THAT look. Then Lulu, calm as ever, tells him step by step to take the lid off, twist that one thing, then jam it into Nat's thigh while pressing the trigger, and then hold it there for at least 10 seconds. And he does. Nat screams louder. <--to be expected, I guess.

Less than a minute has passed. We load back up into the truck, and barrel down the hill. We stop briefly two talk to TWO separate security guys/parking attendants who don't live in the area, and don't know where the closest hospital is. Nick says, "Santa Cruz or North?" It'd take at least an hour to get back to Santa Cruz. So we turn North.

I grab my cell and call 911, figuring... *hoping* they can tell me where to go. They want a cross street. I don't have one. Well where are we? Heading north. That's all I know. Yes she is breathing. Yes her arm is swelling, yes her throat is starting to feel tight. 911 tells me to pull over. PULL OVER. They are coming. They will come to us. They will find us. Until.... a CHP (sheriff? idk...) comes up behind us and says we can't be there. Nick fills him in quickly, and then, like following the wind, we are now being escorted by the police to the closest CDF station, which has an ambulance. 2 miles later, we swing in, Nick swings out with Nat in arms, Mr police man at his side, and is met instantly by the (best looking :) ) firemen, who begin assessing. They give her another shot of epi (and maybe something else?), start an IV line, load her up in the ambulance and schlep her 'more' north.

In case you've ever wondered... there's NO big hospital in Half Moon Bay. There is a 2 room ER. That's it. They assess, stabilize, and transfer. Oy. FML x2. Luckily for us, another transfer wasn't warranted. (So I'll take one FML back.) They gave her some good meds, some to calm her and some to treat. Both were needed. All she could remember was the last time, when her little face swelled up so much, she couldn't even open her little eyes.... yep.. something like this:

This time doesn't seem as  bad. Maybe last time was a yellow jacket, and this time was a bee? Maybe she's gaining more of a defense to it? I just don't know.

Several hours later she is released from the hospital... tired, aching, exhausted. She asks, "I guess we don't get pumpkins after all?" Awwwww baby! We find a little stand on the side of the road, just outside Santa Cruz city limits. We jump out, grab the closest 5 pumpkins, and are back on our way home.

What a day.

Glad I got the picture below. It does nothing to sum up the day that led up to that point. But... I am grateful, and tired, and looking for a break.