Logistics

The grief comes in waves. It washes in and then washes back out, sometimes taking me with it. I find solace in conversations with strangers who have no idea what I have been through. I just want to be treated normal. AND I just want everyone else to be on their best behavior while I figure out the highs and lows and try to re-acclimate to a life zone that doesn't include my husband any longer. AND I don't want pity. AND I don't want anyone else to tell me every thing's going to be ok. Because it's not. Please don't try to gauge me and label which stage of grief I'm at. So maybe that's not normal... it sure is asking a lot of every one else.

And then I'm snapped right back to reality and have to deal with the present.

A neighbor's nanny came over this afternoon whom I hadn't met before. She was looking for the child she was supposed to be keeping care of. He happened to be in my house. I invited her in, introduced myself, excused the clutter, swung a leg over Emi and went to retrieve the missing child. When I returned Emi had engaged her in a full conversation about the lady's family: brothers, sisters, mommies and daddies. The lady then appropriately asked Emi: "and where's your daddy?"

Sinking heart of mine starts right about now. Close my eyes. Breathe. Hang on for dear life(and the wall). Push the panic down. Breathe. Swallow. Open my eyes. Breathe. Listen:

"Um, my daddy is up in heaven. Way up high in heaven with his wings on."

Missing Him

This is my best friend and I am really missing him right now. I'm going through some old things and finding long lost treasures. Man he and I have been through the fire together, but the good times were good, and I was SO sure that true love would prevail and we would gallop off into the sunset and live in bliss. Apparently not so.

Tonight I find little remnants of this man. The man I love, and the reasons why...

In his drawer I find four things:
1. His one month sober chip
2. His cross
3. His Marine Corps tie clip
4. One barbie shoe =) <--always a daddy at heart

Learning...

Things I am learning that I really shouldn't be learning. I don't want to learn this stuff. Really I don't.

You find out who are your real friends, when they will:
- come and be with you when you tell your children their daddy has died
- help you pick out your husband's plot
- offer to call the coroner for you 'cause you just can't bring yourself to do it
- go with you to purchase your funeral outfit
- research which dress blues Marine Corps uniform I'm supposed to bury my husband in
- let me talk thru burying him with his wedding ring or without?
- fold at least 3 weeks worth of unmatched socks
- come climb into my bed, hug me tight, and let me just cry

Life has always presented its challenges in surplus to me. I manage. I deal. Sometimes I win and sometimes I don't. And mostly things turn out ok. But this is not supposed to be how this turned out. We were supposed to grow old together and sit on our porch in our rocking chairs and watch the sunset. I was not supposed to end up a widow at 30.

Reminiscing

Lost...

Where do you start? My world changed Tuesday. James has died. And I am heart broken.

Funeral arrangements are in process. Nothing set yet.

Easter 2010

Love Her

And now not only was she nominated for the Jefferson Award on the Central Coast but she's going to DC to possibly get national recognition. That's right. She's practically famous really. And I love her. A Lot. (And she is going to love me a considerable amount for finding all these fab pics of her.)

For more info, click here:

http://www.ksbw.com/news/22686887/detail.html

She's the best. And I could blog for days about her. But that's not the point. It's about seeing the quiet do-gooders finally getting a little pat on the back. Her work and dedication are what really matters. =)

Tiny Lil Update

Sorry for the delay in posts. This won't fill in all the gaps, but it will hopefully tide y'all over.

• Nat and I got Dad home from Santa Monica
• Emi's continued breathing treatments have seen her thru the worst part of the pneumonia
• I am now really REALLY sick.
• Got home Saturday. And it hit like a ton of bricks on Sunday nite. Felt awful.
• Worked Monday. Felt worse.
• To doc on Tuesday. Temp 104.8 and rising. Oh it was baaaaaaad =(
• I have bad pneumonia now too.
• Lu turned 11 in there somewhere too.
• For the first time today tried to make it out of the house with sis-in-law (still taking suggestions for blog names!) and barely made it home. It was going so well. And then it wasn't.

Tons of pics to post later and updates about Dad (who is doing fine.) Off to the land of Tylenol-pm, coughing every breath I take, and lots and lots of sleep.

Day II, Round II - Complete!

Dad BEFORE the 68th birthday celebration:

Now to Dad DURING the celebration at Bubba Gump's..... I told the waiter it was his birthday. Oh it was so fun. The guy goes away, then comes back, turns around and makes an announcement to the ENTIRE restaurant that this young gentleman is 16 today and is going on to pursue a career in dancing, but needed to make one last stop to work his moves out for a crowd. The waiter (a big white guy...) broke into a rap... "Ahhh PPPP and chhhhh a pppp a chhhhh... Shake your booty! Shake-Shake your boo-tay! Shake your booty, shake shake your boo-tay!" Dad just stood there so still. I think he was scared. I was a little scared for him. The waiter now grabs the mic and starts clapping his hands saying he's just going to get louder and louder until dad will shake his booty. Hahahahahah Then he did it. Yes. Dad shook his booty. This was the tail end of that:

Dad sits down and tells me: " You set me up." Oh yes I did. I tell him that he needs to remember his 68th birthday for something other than chemo. I have succeeded. Thank you very much. One point Meg.

All went well chemo-wise.

From the home front: sis-in-law is tending to Miss Emi who is finally starting to show signs of improvement.

Meanwhile, she is doing some of her own improvements (with the help uf Lu... and a shop-vac) to tell those mean scary spiders they are not allowed there anymore.

One last night in the hotel, then we are headed home-home.

I See You

My sister-in-law in amazing. Just so you know. Amazing. I love her. And I'd like to keep her. =) Any suggestions for a fun blog name for her?

She and I met at Emi's appt yesterday. Lungs awful. Fever better. Breathing hard but not labored. Attitude is snappy. And lots of poopy out. Atta girl. From the previous night (whatever day that was, I don't know what today was, and didn't blog yesterday) Emi was then on 3 antibiotics, 1 steroid, and 1 inhaler. But it was too much for her. She'd throw it all up. Every time. Any concoction or variation thereof. And when she was over that, she refused to put anything back in her mouth. So the doc cut back the meds, doubled one dose of antibiotics, and stopped the steroid. The inhaler at home wasn't helping much anyhow, but the in-office nebulizer treatments are when we really start to see Emi gain a little strength back. So her doc sent us (sis-in-law) home with one from the office. Awesome.

So Sis-in-law took Emi home, and has Lu there too. Meanwhile Nat and I left late yesterday afternoon for Santa Monica and that is where we are now. Got my first speeding ticket yesterday. That was not that awesome. My karma and my manners and acceptance of responsibility were in full force. I did not try to weasel my way out of anything. Enough of that going around right now.

Yes I did take a picture. I was feeling as tho this was the most invincible thing I could do now that I got pulled over going 90 in a 70. Yikes! The officer was nice. I did not tell him my sob story of where I was coming from, where I was going to and why, or all the other in between stuff. As dad said before, "You just let your horse get away from you there." Needless to say... didn't make stellar time getting down there. It's ok.

After that I was bit flustered, very on guard, ego a little bruised, blah blah blah. Needed gas, and food. A hundred miles later or so I finally feel out of harm's way and stop for these things. Gas first. Food second. Went thru the fast food drive thru. Ordered. Paid the money. Drove away. Got to the end of the building and realized..... shoot... we're out of windows. Where the heck is my food? Oooohhhh . I flip into reverse (because I am awesome like that) and try to steer back to the last window, which is always SUPER fun, especially when you have an audience of fellow patrons watching you out the window (roughly 2ft from said driving area.) It's distracting to see the lights pop on in their heads, when they realizing what I'm doing, and I'm trying to drive backwards, and contain myself. I get to the window in a wobbly backwards kind of driving method. The lady at the register looks at me, and me at her, and we just about die laughing. After THAT, she finally says, "Well, hello there." We laugh again. THEN I get my food. There we go.

Dad seems good. He has been walking a lot and getting new routines down. We went today and he got hooked up for round two of chemo. It took a long time. Maybe this wasn't the best idea to bring an 8 year old. =(We did go and see Avatar in 3D this evening. It was SO good! I heart Avatar. A lot. And I think I need to see it again. The 24 hour chemo bag seems like a good idea, but one just can't get used to it. It's heavy, awkward, in the way, attached to the body, easy to leave behind, easy to get tangled into a belt, and it likes to beep and try to make you guess why. Oh well. It's only for 24 hours.

Here is Nat in the tub before she lost all her marbles.

She forgot to put the shower curtain into the tub, so a ton of water was on the floor of the bathroom. When I walked back in and found it, I asked her about it, and she was sad and embarrassed, and then pretty darn hostile. The hostility part really brought the decibels up and I tried to gently remind her that there were other people in the hotel rooms next to us who may not appreciate hearing her cry so loudly and angrily this late at night (11pm). Then she looks at me and glares and says (apparently for my dad's benefit) STOP HITTING ME! Ya know, I hadn't thought about that yet, but now come to think of it, I would like to smack..... Stop. Breathe. How do you do that again? The breathing thing?

I think I need to go back and see Avatar.

Night night.