The House of Mouse, and a Horse... of Course! :)

Dinner Date

Having a particularly hard week this week. I've seen better days. I feel like I just can't quite catch up... with life... with hope... Don't know where I'm going. Don't know how to get there. And when I think I've figured it out, I'm already late.

I am hoping that if I keep going through the motions of what I think life should be like.... pieces will eventually start to fall into place and feel like... home.

I tread lightly. I try not to complain, except in this forum. I am thankful. I am tired. I am easily caught off guard. I am mostly numb. I keep repeating :I won't give up if you don't give up. My sense of direction has been completely voided.

Tonight my little Emi and I had a late dinner on the deck by candle light.
We sat back and watched the moon come up. We watched the planes fly above. Some of them we waived to. Then Emi says "Mama! There's Daddy! He's twinkling!" She waives to him too, with a little more gusto. When we're done she starts to clear her place, but stops to look up at James... "Bye Daddy! I see you tomorrow." And then she says to me "Daddy's proud of you, Mama, ok?"

And so I keep on keepin' on.

Rodeoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Pretty sure that you can determine the success and amount of fun had at the rodeo based on the severity of the sun burn. :)

Creativity

The big girls were gonna at horse camp for a week. And then all the girls went with Grandma and Grampy for a week of camping. And I had the house to myself. I was really excited to get time alone.. to have the time and space to be creative.... like play the piano.... but the empty house was REALLY lonely. I found that tho I now had the time and space to be creative, without my little lovies around, I just couldn't find the inspiration. :(

The last night I was able to get a little crafty.... and I think the girls liked it too. :)

My Escape to DC... thanks B!

aaaaand Gail: this last pic is for you :)

Lu Graduated Elementary School

Sometime in June (I think....I'm pretty sure actually... 'cause I have pictures to prove it... but, well, anyhoo.....) Lu graduated and is now well on her way to MIDDLE SCHOOL. Oh Lord.

Story Behind This Pic:

This is a picture taken at the Marine Corps Ball. James was SO excited to be there. So excited to introduce me to his unit, to his staff sergeant, etc. Anything Marine Corps, and hubby goes gaga. He loves it. At one point during the evening his Lieutenant started walking over towards us. I could see James' posture improve, and his smile cease, as he anticipated what this meant. He did indeed come over to us. He asked ME to stand up (in a room full of 400+ people) and he presented me with a Marine Corps spouse certificate and coin. He said that girlfriends seem to come and go for un-married Marines, and when one enlists who is married, they want to make sure and support her too, and thank her for her service and support of her husband. It was very special.

After that, James was a little proud, and I was a little giddy. I got out our camera to take a pic of us to commemorate this moment. James stretched his arm out to take our self portrait. I kept smiling my giddy little smile. He kept looking at the pic and then saying we needed to take it over. So I just kept on with my smiling not have a clue that he was up to some thing:

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That man of mine was making silly silly faces for every pic... and I didn't even know it. Finally one of the LCPLs across the table starts laughing (and I still didn't know why...) and he takes the camera and takes this picture for us:

For the record: I didn't look thru the pics til later and about fell over laughing. I loved them. Every single one of them.

Happy Memories :)

Happy 31st Birthday Honey. Love you. Miss you. A whole gosh darn lot.

Notes from the Fourth

I'm mostly silent. Purposely so.

This is the year of firsts and everything hurts. Absolutely everything.

And everything still comes in waves. The sadness and pain, the loneliness and questions wash in and swirl around a while. With every sweep it eats away at something new that I didn't know could hurt too. And when it's done, it washes back out, and with it I replace hours of business. In order to get anything done, to remain gainfully employed, keep my children within my care, keep my mortgage current, attempt to pay bills on time, I must work work work. In order to work work work I need to keep all of life's realities out at bay. And I really wish that's where they'd stay.

I did get to get a way for a few days. Which was amazing. I LOVED being on the other side of the county and being completely anonymous. Where no one knew who I was and no body cared. And that was a beautiful thing. Beautiful. (Tho I should mention that I went with B, and got to see Laur while I was there. The beauty of those friendships is that in their presence, their gift to me, is to LET me be anonymous when I need to be.)

My mind, my soul keeps searching for something beautiful and inspiring. Something redeemable. The only thing I can come up with is that with death, for the remaining spouse, there is a freedom. Not your typical 'freedom.' The freedom I've found is that unless I'm facing a life or death decision, I have the FREEDOM to now say "This is petty. I don't need to spend my time here," and not feel guilty about it. Other than that. It's all a total loss.

Just when I think that I'm suitably numb, and got it all under control... I have the most horrible nightmares. They take the previous traumas in my life, wrap them up in my dreams, warp them inexplicably, taking each person I know and love. The other part of the numbness that I hadn't realized until recently: it numbs the pain, and it numbs the good.

Friendships that I once relied upon and contributed to, are falling away. I can't save them. I couldn't save James either, so really... why bother? I want the truth. I don't want to have to wonder about one more thing... ever ever ever again. Just the truth. I'd like to completely ban pissy attitudes, drama, and passive aggressive silent treatments. In myself and others.
I want friendships to come easily, and steer completely away from pain. Because I just can't deal.

In other news: Lu and Nat had a week at horse camp that was perfect up at Kidder Creek. Nat turned 9 today. All the girls are now off camping with Grandma and Grandpy for a week. The girls will start junior life guards when they are back. We have a week between when junior life guards ends in August, and school starts back up- I'm planning an escape for me and the kids.... that's what I'm setting my sights on. Right now I know 13 people who are pregnant. Dad finished his last round of chemo and is waiting on an MRI to schedule another surgery on his wrist, and another one on his lung. I lost a toe nail in DC. Am feeling equal parts thankful and guilty for SGLI. I'm still diligently looking for easy wins of happy moments, hope, and my long lost metabolism...pretty sure it's all out there somewhere...

Blessings of Clarity...

... there is in life a suffering so unspeakable, a vulnerability so extreme that it goes far beyond words, beyond explanations and even beyond healing. In the face of such suffering all we can do it bear witness so no one need suffer alone..."

Cannot Sleep

It is 1:27 and I cannot sleep. The brain in my head is on non-op. My ability to function is on the fritz, as is my hair, feeding the fish, and putting stamps on letters and bills I've mailed.

Where in the past I have handled stress relatively well: balanced and adjusted, balanced and adjusted... I've found of recent that actually I cannot handle stress, balance or adjustments at all. I go in head strong, but recent bouts with anxiety and panic attacks find me retreating for shelter. I don't necessarily even FEEL the panic first. I feel my heart pounding so hard I start to shake, can't catch my breath... and then it's all down hill. Once I can't catch my breath then I start to feel claustrophobic, and that doubles the anxiety, triples the heart, and takes me down.

I'm one for just a few really close friends, and many acquaintances. I fear that as I continue to retreat, all I manage to do is alienate the loved ones who are trying to reach out to me. I'm sorry. I don't know what else to do. Hang in there if you can.

Every morning I wake up and thank God that this was all just a bad dream. Every.Single.Morning. And then it hits me. Again.... Every.Single.Morning. And I have to relive every bit of the last 2 years that was mostly a landslide and in the end took James. Otherwise I don't believe it. Every time I hear a diesel engine I my heart assumes it is him in the truck and I feel an immediate relief, 'cause now that he's home things can get back to normal. But it's not him. This is real.

I went to a benefit BBQ the other day and counted up the members of my family... OK I am a family of 5, plus my dad, James' mom and step dad, his sister... bought tickets, handed them out. And had one left. Well where did this come from? ............Sh*t. I counted James. I am NOT a family of 5. I am a family of 4. FOUR FOUR FOUR. Can't get it through my head....

This implies that I am a mother of 3 and no husband. But I'm married. I still wear my ring, and wear one of James' rings too now. But a document I signed the other day for USMC one of the gazillion forms I need to sign, and it needed the date the marriage ended. And the date pre-entered was the date of his death. I have never thought of it like that. I can't do this. I want to argue with that damn form and tell them I don't want to put that. I know what they mean, it just hurts to see it in writing.

This changes how I define myself. And I just can't do that. The side bar 'about me' on my blog says: mommy, wife, daughter. It's his death, but it's killing me.

I've started grocery shopping at other stores so I hopefully won't run into anyone. It's the knowing looks. Nobody knows what to say. It's OK! Just tell me you don't know what to say, but you just thought you'd say hi. That's not the way it is though. It's the knowing looks of pity: OMG, she's that mom whose husband died. It's the knowing looks of recollection on eye-contact and then they dart the way. It's the knowing looks of people I don't know very well who want to stop and have a heart-to-heart in the soup aisle and find out what really happened. Oh for the love of God, people, I just want everyone to know how to act around me even if I don't know what that is. I know; it's a stretch... and not practical. I know. I know. I get it. Boo.

For a while my body was letting me sleep as much as I wanted, as often as I needed to escape. Tonight I am praying for that to return, cause this staying up thing, tossing and turning, thinking and mulling, panicking and anxiety have got to stop. It makes for good blogging topics and inspiration , but nothing for the soul. Just want my soul back.