Change of Heart

I had a change of heart recently. Recently = last year or so. I realized I was always living for the future. Scrimp now so you can splurge later. Don’t take that day off of work. They may need you. You may need that day back later. You may want to take a vacation later. Don’t use the fine china except on very.special.occassions. Don’t bother to put on make up. Sure it may feel nice, but what does it really matter? Only wear that skirt for weddings! It’s special- don’t ruin it! Mommy can we go to the park? To the movies? To the beach? Will you play with me? “No- later.”

The TIME is NOW, folks! This IS the LIFE. There is not enough time to try and keep socking it away for a better day. Damn well better make today a better day and make it count. Make the journey count. How many trips have you taken and all you really remember is the road-trip part… when you were rocking out with your kids or your family or your girl friends…. Windows down, singing at the top of your lungs? Or the plane ride. Or the walk. Where ever YOU were going, there was a path to get there. It’s where rubber or precious little feet hit the ground, and those stories are some of the sweetest.

I realize I may be slightly digging myself a rut with this new path, but it’s MY path. And I have, for so long, hidden in the shadows and jumped precariously from one shadow to the next, hoping to dodge present day and… eventually get to the ‘the future’ where everything is ‘better.’ It’s a funny thing. Because I dare say, I would stay in a constant state of ‘waiting’ for things to get better… for ever. DON’T DO THAT. You know what makes me feel better? Small, really insignificant things…. Like wearing long flowing skirts. And mascara. I walk the hill every morning not because my ass needs it (it does!) but because this piece of land is amazing and I LOVE the smell of the forest in the morning. Letting go of ego is also a little important. Be human, be open. PMS is natural. I snapped at Nick the other day. And he just kind of went with it and then politely showed me that I was wrong. I took my hand and put it on my heart and then put it in his pocket. He just kind of looked at me… “What was that?” “It was my ego. I just put it in your pocket. You can have it.” And then I cried a little. Not sad. Just… uuuhhh… being human is hard.

I see myself kind of winding in a little smaller with my group of friends. We’ve all had some pretty hearty tragedies. Maybe we’re all just to that age that we’ve just experienced death and heart ache, each? I don’t know. But I can feel myself just wanting to kind of shepherd them in a bit closer. I’m more diligent about checking in. It seems our souls are so prone to crack; I don’t want to get any farther away from them. They MUST know that I LOVE them every.single.day.

I think that LOVE, really more than anything, makes this world go round. There are LOTS of things that make this world tick. But what I can offer and what I know how to do are LOVE. So when there are other parents or community members and they are most concerned about A’s in high school, who can run the fastest mile, or who got in to 3 AP classes, my head goes a little numb. My heart beats fast for the kid who slows down to help hearing impaired kid in math, or show the new kid around school. The one who helps the Grandpa reach the bottom row of boxes at the store.