Last Year

Little Bitty has been particularly clingy of late. She has been a little bit sick, a little bit not. Extra moody, extra needy. Sometimes, dare I say, a mini reflection of me.

Bitty and I took a nap together today after church. She had been having a hard time all morning, and so ensued a nap, for the both of us. To snuggle with my little kids is so sweet. We sleep face to face and then I feel her finger touch my nose and say 'nose.' Then the same with each of my eyes. Then I feel her flick my forehead. Hmmm. And then she farts in my bed. I open one eye and say, "Did you just flick me?"
"Yes, Mama."
"Do I flick your forehead?"
"No, Mama."
"Do I fart in your bed?" *She giggles*
"No, Mama."
Now, we may sleep.

Two hours later I wake and can sense she is awake too, possibly inches from my face. I try not to smile, and then open my eyes. "SURPRISE, MAMA! I'M AWAKE AND YOU ARE TOO!" she screams with little fingers splayed around her lips. She snuggles back into her sleeping spot and asks me if I slept well. "Mama, you are sleeping on your side, and I'm sleeping on James' side."
"Yes. You are right!"
"I miss my James."
"I know lovey. I miss him too... Where's your Daddy James right now?"
She points up
"What do you think he's doing up there?"
"Playing hide-n-go seek, with my Jesus, and my Lala (my mom), and Gracie (Grandma's dog)too."

"Mama, I remember the car accident when Daddy crashed, like this:" and she makes lots of crashing noises and throws her arms all around. "And the lots of firemen and they carried me up the big hill to Grampy. And then Daddy died and went to heaven."

I have purposely not blogged publicly about the accident. Though it is NOT how James died. The car accident was in January 2010, and James died in April 2010. He wasn't even injured in the accident. Bitty walked (was carried) away unscathed, and I on the other hand, had a few (albeit minor in the grand scheme of things) broken ribs, persistent internal bleeding of a damaged kidney, and panic attacks to this day surrounding cars and car accidents.

I've always felt that children in particular, are closest to God. Maybe it's their early wonderment with the world, and fascination with all things living and growing. Maybe it's that children and babies are the ones who have seen Him most recently...they must have some insight subconsciously that the rest of us aren't privy to (any longer or know how to listen to). I try to remember this, and allow my kids the space and opportunities to nurture this.

With that in mind, and looking back at the hell hole of last year, that I have yet to understand, and will probably never fully put to words, I wonder if Bitty knows something I don't. I've continued to learn more things about the last year, even very recently... every bit of it hurts, mostly because I really just don't understand. Although Bitty may not remember the physical events of last year exactly as they happened, maybe his soul started to die or did die that day. And maybe that's what she is in tune with. And that would make all the sense in the world.