Father Daughter Dance Night

Something about a daddy and his girls. Wish the pic came out better, but it'll do.

Lenten Season

I'm a bit introspective this evening, never thought the peace would come. But here it is..... and I am thankful. This is the season of Lent. I have not been feeling peaceful, thankful, spiritual, faithful, or reflective. So I was none too keen to go to the Ash Wednesday service at church tonight. I did, though, and I'm so glad that I did.

I had been dashing around the house before, helping Big Bebe with her school project, putting a load of laundry in the washer, changing Bitty's diaper, taking a load of trash out, and then without skipping a beat kissed dear Hubby and dashed right out the door. Middle Bebe hollers out after me, "Can I come too, mom?" To which I reply, "No. See you in a bit." She looked very disappointed, and I'm literally walking to the car, finding the keys, throwing the purse over the shoulder. "Aw fine. Tell dad you're coming with me."

In the car I'm asking her why she wanted to come. Her answers are precious. She knows about the ashes and doesn't want to miss out on all that fun. Also she said she missed me, and she grabbed my hand and held it the whole ride to church. My mommy heart is melting.

Ash Wednesday service was a success. The pastor did not light anything (extra) on fire while making the ashes. There were warm faces in the crowd. I love the songs we sang, and a little piece of my heart softened.

We took communion, and had ashes placed in our foreheads with a blessing. We return to our car and Middle Bebe tells me our family is in charge of snacks for the 2nd grade class tomorrow. Ok, so we make a pit stop at the store. Here I am all of a sudden very aware that I have a huge ash cross on my forehead and am about to go buy string cheese, string beans and fig newtons. There was a little pang of worry in my body. See, I wasn't raised in the church. I was raised to respect the church, but not raised in the church. I have been to Ash Wednesday service a few times before but apparently never had to go anywhere after.

Then I am reminded of this verse:

Matthew 18: 2-3 And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

So I let her take the lead. She was not worried in the least, and so we proceeded. We found our items, weaving up and down the aisles. She was proud. I was proud of her. We received a few funny looks and stares, and she didn't notice or even care. As we are leaving, and she sees her reflection on the automatic glass door to leave the store, she sees the cross on her forehead and smiles. Then turns to me and says, "You think any of those people wondered why we've got ashes all over our faces?" I nod and say, "Maybe. And if they asked, what should we do?"

"I'd tell them it's Ash Wednesday." Well there you have it. From the mouths of babes.

Simple answer. Beautiful. I am, for the record, melted.

No Title All-Inclusive Enough For This Post

How did I get here? No. Really. This life... um, married, working mother of 3 but really I should get credit for 2 extras: my hubby and dad. I go to church, I drive on field trips, schlep kids, hubby, dad to and from doctor's appts, pay the bills, get the mail, try to keep in touch with extended family, and only rarely get to talk to my long distance friends except when Bitty accidentally dials their number on auto dial which i have yet to figure out on my own. I am in constant motion, commotion. My world could be falling apart and yet the chaos and fun and energy are always at full throttle. Never a dull moment. Let me give y'all a little excerpt from the past few days:

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*Little Bitty is learning to climb EV.ER.Y.THING. She pulls up the chair, scoots it to the bookcase, climbs on up and sits ON the computer keyboard. Stand up. Sit down. Stand up. Sit down. Up. Down. UpDown. UpDown Updown updownupdownupdown. Because every time it will beep and she likes the beeps. BEEP BEEP BEEP.

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*It was necessary to have "the talk" with Big Bebe. Oh Lordy Lordy give me strength. Awkward I tell you-- awkward. But necessary, right? Like from the beginning but not too many details. Cause God forbid the "female curse" strikes at summer camp when the Mama hasn't explained A THING...sorry... I'm still scarred. OK, moving on, blah blah blah, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage... usually. Well, I mean it should, but we're not talking about THAT, yet. THEN the wheels are turning in her little head and you can SEE the confusion. Yep yep she's putting it ALL together. She was the baby BEFORE the marriage, in the baby carriage. Then comes the questions. Please let me die now.

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*Hubby calls while I am busy at work. (We had a flood, doctors having issues, people trying to tell me something about a VIRUS and me very clearly hearing them saying FIRE RISK and being totally lost on the problem.) Right. So Hubby calls VERY concerned that he can't find his razor. Do I look like I care? It's like walking someone through CPR. Do this, do that, do this, repeat. I can say it over and over again, and the story isn't going to change. I haven't seen your stupid razor. Did you check both bathrooms? And under the sink? And in the drawers? Nope it wouldn't be anywhere else. Check again. No I STILL haven't seen your REALLY STUPID razors even though now you have names and quantities for them, 3 missing Gillette's, 2 missing Mach-3 (which confused his counting to throw another number in there,) 1 electric. No, mine are pink. Would you like to use one? No. Yes I will look WITH you when I get home. Oh Puuullllease!

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*Middle bebe is a creature totally unto its own. You think you're on the home stretch, and then NO. Not so much. I have some kids' websites saved under favorites on the computer so when they have permission they can play a game or two. I pretty much use this as a bargaining mechanism. Awesome...usually.... Until she decided to "branch out" and not click on one of the pre-loaded, kid-tested, mother-approved sites....wait for it... Ya, she typed her name into the browser and added a .COM to it and there you have it. Oh my gosh Oh my gosh. How it happened that the speakers were now somehow turned off and we didn't have the auditory component of this very um....adult site, I'll never know, but am forever grateful. I somewhat secretly already have preconceived notions of what her career choice may be when she grows up, and by my luck this just sealed the deal. No really, please kill me now.

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*I totally tried to duck out of another really awkward situation and I failed miserably. I was caught and told, " I'm on to you." Aww really? Can't I just weasel out? Fine fine fine. I will put on my big girl panties and deal with the world in more tactful, less sissy ways. I guess.

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*And just for fun, as I am driving frantically amongst dropping kids at school, work, appointments, meetings, post office, grocery store, I am listening to my favorite mix CD and trying to find just a little spark of inner peace to get me to the next place. So as I'm singing along and trying to meditate kind of, but actually drive safely with my eyes open at the same time:

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...For dark is light to You

the depths are height to You

far is near, but Lord

i need to hear from You

be near, oh God, be near

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And I would expect to be hearing this music played through my radio. But again, I am wrong. I hear talking, kind of a squeaky little voice, OVER AND OVER AGAIN. It won't stop. Where is it coming from? Am I hearing voices?

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What are we gonna do?

Ow Ow OW.

You like really need a doctor.

What are we gonna do?

Ow ow OW.

You like really need a doctor.

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ALL DAY I hear this. ALL day I can't figure out what the heck it is, or where it's coming from. Ahhhh HA! Until I get home tonight and dug it out from waaaaayyyyy under my seat. They should NOT make toys that make noise. Because they eventually go haywire and drive mommies BATTY. This, my dear friends, was the culprit:

Better Luck Next Time

This week has been disappointing. Awkward, disappointing, uncomfortable, and defining. I don't know what else to say. Thank God it's the weekend, because although I appreciate my work to get my mind off things, my mind needs a break right now.

See here the picture that easily describes how I got through each day this week...(even though it was a short week.) I am a slave to the caffeine, and I am ok with that, cause it kept me alive for the time being. Kept me working, which kept me employed, which is also good, so I'm really ok with that.

Uncomfortable

Twice now in the past week, two separate people, whom I respect and look up to immensely have said to me: "It's ok to be uncomfortable." Once I can handle, and chalk it up to a fluke. Twice? Really? Now it means it's got to be true and I damn well better listen. I am not amused. Not really. This all implies that there is something to be learned and I am NOT. IN. THE. MOOD. FOR. LEARNING.

Particularly this past week I have been tested. I have known what is right and watched my world of a train wreck continue to crash right in front of me and be so, so wrong. Sometimes I speak up and sometimes I can't. Sometimes it takes every ounce of my being to bite my tongue, and other times I just throw my hands up and walk away because it's just not worth it to me any more.

I am heading into the coming week already biased that it's going to be lame and uncertain...
And certainly lame.
And Scary.
And uncomfortable.
I have to do things that I don't want to do. But I have to. There are things I don't want to say this week. But I need to say them.

Here's something I read this week:
Silence isn't a blank. It's the pregnant possibility of what is about to be born.

This is me. Silence isn't a blank to me. If anything it's far more important, and carries a much heavier weight than most other things. When things, words, moments, are surrounded by silence on either side, the merit it has is much more valuable. I don't know what this has to do with the earlier part of the post, but in my head it was all making sense and tying together really nicely. Story of my life.

Love is Simple. We Are The Ones Who Make it Difficult.

What a grand thing, to be loved! What a grander thing still, to love!

- Victor Hugo -

Love comforteth like sunshine after rain.

- William Shakespeare -

Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile,and finds in your presence that life is worth while. So when you are lonely, remember it's true Somebody somewhere is thinking of you.

- K. Blackburn -

Your talent is God's gift to you.What you do with it is your gift back to God.

- Leo Buscaglia -

Love bears all things, believes all things,hopes all things, endures all things.

- The Bible : 1 Corinthians -

Manic Monday

Do not mess with a woman and her truck. That's right, my name's on the title. Do not mess with a woman (...carefully refraining from the term "lady"..) and her truck, mid-migraine, when there is a road closure between said female and her medicine, and there is an idiot in the vehicle behind her trying to honk/Morse code his displeasure with her driving choices (as she allows the oncoming traffic, with CLEAR right of way, to move past on the one way bridge...) Please note here that although I did hit the gas in an attempt to ram this vehicle as it sidled up next to me with his finger hanging out the window... I then hit the brake and decided I didn't want to waste a good paint job on this. Because that would not be nice, and with the kids in the truck and all, and the fact that I may see this person later at church, and that I have big MARINE CORPS emblems and Hubby's Fire Fighter plaques for this small, small town.... I took a deep breath secretly hoped he went right over the side of the bridge. OK I'm kidding. Sort of.

In any event, most of this turmoil went on right inside my lovely little noggin, so what I was able to express verbally to the dear kiddos was fairly level headed and calm. Way to go mom! I did need to explain to them that that fellow did not think I was number 1, which was clear from his foul mouth and flailing arms. I wonder when we eventually did all make it over that small bridge and I ended up behind that very vehicle, did he look in his review mirror at my truck and see that Marine Corps license plate? Does he know that my husband would go to war to save that man's privileges to live in this free country where he can yell and honk and flip of a soldier's wife...for letting one car go by? Maybe he saw the fire fighter plaque and maybe the next vehicle accident hubby runs will be on that man. He'll be lucky if hubby isn't standing right there looking down at him on the pavement and laughing. But no. Hubby wouldn't do that. And neither would I.

I hope that man in the vehicle behind me sure feels like a big man now.

Accomlished!

I am feeling rather accomplished today... strangely...for the following reasons:
1. I did NOT eat an entire container of cookie dough today (just 1/2!)
2. Both my dad and hubby were in church today
3. Realized that when driving through pouring down rain, it is WAY LESS stressful with good brakes and new tires. I guess I kinda got used to the whole sliding around the road thing...yikes!
4. The leaning trees on the property were felled today. (That sounds SO grammatically wrong... but they tell me it's right.) This is exciting because we managed to get them down before they fell on the neighbor's house. This is good. We like our neighbors.
6. I am starting a 3rd medication for migraines today and so far that combined with the rest of my chaotic life...has not killed me yet
7. Eric and Erin and the babies are still well...considering... tho your prayers are still needed. Erin was transported via air this morning to UCSF. Seems the babies are doing ok, but Erin's health is the one in danger right now....pray pray pray
8. I am an awesome mom. (Insert here REALLY FUN story about middle bebe talking back and that automatically leading into an ENTIRE day of manual labor stacking firewood....muuaahhh aahhhh ahhhh ahhhh)
9. The firewood got stacked today. =)

Sad Sad Oatmeal

So some of the meds they put me on to help control the migraines... make me want, no... NEED to eat ALL. THE. TIME. Oh dear. This is not going to be pretty. I'd like to think that I have a little "wiggle" room considering I've had three kids, so what's a couple pounds eh? No no no.

"Gee, Meg... you don't look so good today. You feeling alright?" .....

"Why thanks so much for asking, actually I've been eating like a Tyrannosaurus Rex, and I'm still hungry and my tummy is growling so you'd better quit talking and move quick before I snag your lunch too."

This is where I wipe the drool off my lip and 2nd chin and let out a little belch. Yum.

This morning, I plan ahead. (Novel idea!) I pack a yogurt, oatmeal, and banana for breakfast and head to work. It is a BUSY morning at work. How many things can go wrong? How many ideas can be mis-communicated so readily that everyone in the same room comes out with a different version of the plan? My emails to my boss are blunt and to the point: "This seems like a good idea... (but this is really soooo far out of my league I have no idea what I'm talking about so please make a decision on my behalf...quickly so I don't make you look bad too) Have a great day!"

I have no idea how I managed to keep my head off the desk today. It really just wanted to lie down and raise the flag and signal defeat. At some point I realized I was terribly light headed and should eat. Banana- done. Yogurt- done. I take my little oatmeal pack and venture to the break room where I fill my coffee cup up with the designated amount of water and pour the quick oats in. Simply put into microwave... and...

Push start
PUSH START
PUSH START

PUSHING START DAMMIIIIITTTTT.
Please just cook my oatmeal so it's not cold. It doesn't need to be hot. I'm not picky, just a little warmth is all I'm asking. Microwave is successfully resisting all attempts to start.

Nope. No go. Cold flippin oatmeal. Not even cooked, so the oats are still crunchy actually, unless I want to leave them there for 20 minutes to take on water.

This is my day people. Throw me a bone here already. You ever wonder what God really looks like? Does he get a kick out of this? I really, honestly think he's just up there laughing at me...

Get Yer Engines ready... and PRAY!!!

My dear cousin Eric is AMAZING. Amazing, I tell you... Here's a snippet from his website:http://www.wildernessreconnections.org/index.htm

You survived cancer...
Now what?
Come find out.
Wilderness Reconnection Experiences helps cancer survivors make the best of the rest of their lives by helping them design a new vision, mission, goals, and purpose for their lives, using the wilderness as a theraputic medium to challenge and stretch them physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally.
Join us on a challenging and rewarding backpacking trip in the pristine wilderness of California's Sierra Nevada Mountains. During the journey, your trip leader will help you discover your purpose by guiding you through a process to create a new vision, mission, and plan for your life.

And this is a little ditty about the newest adventures:

WRE Goes on Hiatus
November 21, 2008 - WRE will go on hiatus until the summer of 2009. Eric Girard and Erin Hudson-Girard are expecting twin girls in April 2009, and are busy building a new house and preparing for the new additions. "Once we get the babies into a routine, we'll pick up this important work again," says Eric. "WRE is definitely important and very dear to my heart - it's just a matter of balancing everything, and God's making it clear to us that we need to focus on our family."

And this is this evening's update:

The SRMC Hotel
Erin was admitted today to the Sonora Regional Medical Center (SRMC) Birth Center until the babies are born. Our OB, Dr. Mills, is concerned about Erin's fluid retention, weight gain, and elevated blood pressure due to mild, early-onset pre-eclampsia. So, she's on strict bed rest under doctor's supervision until the babies arrive.
She's at 3o weeks now, and so far, the babies are growing normally. Neither Erin nor the babies are in any grave trouble - this is just a cautionary step, "to watch and wait," as Dr. Mills puts it.

I know I've said (blogged) this before. But where I lack in siblings, I make up for it with cousins. And Eric (and now Erin too!) are no exception. Eric came to be with me and dad when mom was in ICU. I told him I didn't know that he'd even get a visit in with mom, but that I could really use him there. And he came. We have each shared the loss of our own moms. Eric just happened to call a few hours after my mom died to just check in. His timing was perfect. I hadn't been able to make that first phone call yet to start to let the rest of the family know. I just couldn't do it. So Eric did. He is amazing and has been perfectly blessed with Erin as a wife and now two sweet little babies who may need to be reminded to stay put a few more weeks. They've got Erin's health, the babies' growth, Eric's sanity, oh yes and a house that needs to be moved into, and another one to be cleaned out... all on their plates right now.

So... get yer engines ready there fellow bloggers, friends and family... there's praying to be done.

What I'd Give To Be a Kid Again...

Little Bitty wakes up giggling. She pees herself all the way up to her armpits. And giggles. She thinks it's really something special to load and unload the dish washer, the washer and dryer, with ANY objects that she can readily pick up. She plays hide-and-go-seek with herself and a mirror. And giggles. She has really chubby thighs...and they are soooo cute. She likes to lick the cold windows in the morning and taste the condensation. She says HI to the fishies in the fish tank and waves to them. She's completely comfortable on stage with a microphone. She's only 16 months old. She likes to wrap mommy's leggings around her neck and run around the house like it's a cape. She fully enjoys playing in the bathtub with toys and no water.... naked...of course. She likes to sing E-I-E-I-OOOO.... but frequently gets this mixed up with UH OH SPAGHETTI--OO. She has no secrets and no inhibitions.

5 Days Where? Huh?

Several days ago I remember having the most obnoxious, awfully mean, carefully crafted, big bad migraine. Although most of the pain is gone, I'm still in a fog. It's the "post-migraine" stuff. I've lost 5 days of meaningful life, work, productivity, and reality. What the hey? Not cool at all. Gimme a headache for a day and I'll grumble and get over it. Gimme a migraine that won't back down and steals DAYS from my life...and I'm not a happy camper. Tomorrow I'll be up and at it again; I'll attempt to start a successful week at work, and maybe I'll settle back into my every day routine.