If Jesus Came to Visit Me

A friend gave Bitty a late birthday gift yesterday. Today Bitty and I opened that gift. It was a sweet little book and so we opened it and read it. Title of the book is If Jesus Came to Visit Me. Just in case I thought I could keep it all together today...I was wrong...again... See here the words I read aloud to my little baby girl:

If Jesus Came to Visit Me...

I'd fill my little teapot and

Then pour two cups of tea.

I'd thank God for the food we have

and He'd say "Thanks" to me!

I'd ask him how things in heaven were

and see if he would tell

If Grandma's found some friends up there,

and if she's doing well.

On a day when I fought very hard to remain composed, I lost it all.

2 (TWO!) Starbucks today to try and give me enough pep so I wouldn't have the option to just sit and think. And there you go. Read your kid a story and it's a complete waste of make up and caffeine all in one shot.

I know I've posted this picture before, and I have it plastered any where I can put it, but here it is again. Because 2 years ago today my mommy died, and this little picture envelopes my soul:

Oh the love I feel for my own kids that I never knew was possible, is perfectly reflected in my own Mama's face here as she's holding me. She felt it too.

Here's the last family pic (sans hubby, away in the Marines at the time.) This is where the countdown really started. You can see it in her face.

And here is the last picture of Mama. Me, Chris, Mama at her retirement celebration. Exactly one month before she died. That was one of the hardest days I've even endured. Then we knew it was only a matter of days. And here was this celebration for Mama, where the teachers and school administrators and friends got up to speak and tell how Mama had changed their lives. It was like a living funeral. Very uncomfortable and awkward, but so so necessary.

It seems like life goes on for everybody. There's something humbling about that, but only when I'm in a good space to reflect on it like that. The rest of the time I feel like everyone else has a life that is continuing, and here I am still trying to put back all the pieces of the past.

Sad but true. This is my lament.

Good night sweet Mama. Don't give up on me yet.