WANTED: Romantic, Poetic Ending...

Things have been weird. I'm not getting it. "IT" being life in general. I keep trying to figure it out; I don't know why. It must be innately born in me to want an answer. I never get an answer. Sometimes I might feel better about something, but I don't get it. Hmmmmm.....

It seems life has been spinning around me. This and that, to be done now not later, deadlines, obligations, family, work, church, friends, kids, the kids' school, the kids' friends at school, and the kids' friends at church too. There is so much spinning around me that I can't hold onto one solid thought before it gets lost in the shuffle and then it seems to be lost forever. It's not so much a feeling of poor me (although I'm sensing a bit of that too), it's more of an "I can't catch up to even get a full breath of air" type of feeling.

Tonight I met with a different group a friends (from now on this will be the Wednesday Mama Hen Group--WMHG.) But before that I couldn't find my Bible while I was rushing around the house. So I grabbed an old one that I haven't opened in at least 10 years. It's one that my cabin leader at Ponderosa bound and gave to me after my junior year at camp there. Just looking at the cover brought back an eternity of memories from back then. I made it to the WMHG just barely on time, still feeling like I was just grasping for air. I sat down and as I'm opening my Bible to the right book, a little piece of paper catches my eye. It's tucked carefully in the front cover. I turn it over. It's my Jesse. Oh my Jesse. Oh my goodness. Jesse was (is?) a dear, dear friend, whose life ended entirely too soon and tragically. I've never made peace with this loss. With his loss really. This was the last picture I had of him. I CHERISHED this picture. I remember now everything that went through my head as I decided to keep it safe in my Bible.

Mama Hen is reading a passage and I'm there physically, but my mind is wandering remembering every tragic detail that I've refused to face in 10 years. THIS is what tragedy is. THIS IS WHAT TRAGEDY IS, MEG! It's screaming at me right in my face. The burdens that are taking hold of my life now are so trivial compared to this. I am ashamed that I allow myself to be completely taken in and held captive by daily daunting life. Because I HAVE had my own tragedies, I should know first hand and be wise enough to know the difference. But no. I have allowed myself to seemingly FORGET the real tragedies and hide away all the demons that haunt me from them, and instead become fully fascinated and wholly absorbed with the most minor daily happenings. Who am I kidding? Has my life really become a daily ritual that distorts the present and hides the past? I've got to get a grip.

I really want this chapter in my life to have some romantic, poetic ending. However, I have a feeling this isn't going to be fun or easy or anything quick. I've got to dig my heals in, stand firm with the faith in the Lord, search my soul in the places that I've kept under lock and key, and face this head on, and that's just the beginning...