WANTED: Romantic, Poetic Ending...

Things have been weird. I'm not getting it. "IT" being life in general. I keep trying to figure it out; I don't know why. It must be innately born in me to want an answer. I never get an answer. Sometimes I might feel better about something, but I don't get it. Hmmmmm.....

It seems life has been spinning around me. This and that, to be done now not later, deadlines, obligations, family, work, church, friends, kids, the kids' school, the kids' friends at school, and the kids' friends at church too. There is so much spinning around me that I can't hold onto one solid thought before it gets lost in the shuffle and then it seems to be lost forever. It's not so much a feeling of poor me (although I'm sensing a bit of that too), it's more of an "I can't catch up to even get a full breath of air" type of feeling.

Tonight I met with a different group a friends (from now on this will be the Wednesday Mama Hen Group--WMHG.) But before that I couldn't find my Bible while I was rushing around the house. So I grabbed an old one that I haven't opened in at least 10 years. It's one that my cabin leader at Ponderosa bound and gave to me after my junior year at camp there. Just looking at the cover brought back an eternity of memories from back then. I made it to the WMHG just barely on time, still feeling like I was just grasping for air. I sat down and as I'm opening my Bible to the right book, a little piece of paper catches my eye. It's tucked carefully in the front cover. I turn it over. It's my Jesse. Oh my Jesse. Oh my goodness. Jesse was (is?) a dear, dear friend, whose life ended entirely too soon and tragically. I've never made peace with this loss. With his loss really. This was the last picture I had of him. I CHERISHED this picture. I remember now everything that went through my head as I decided to keep it safe in my Bible.

Mama Hen is reading a passage and I'm there physically, but my mind is wandering remembering every tragic detail that I've refused to face in 10 years. THIS is what tragedy is. THIS IS WHAT TRAGEDY IS, MEG! It's screaming at me right in my face. The burdens that are taking hold of my life now are so trivial compared to this. I am ashamed that I allow myself to be completely taken in and held captive by daily daunting life. Because I HAVE had my own tragedies, I should know first hand and be wise enough to know the difference. But no. I have allowed myself to seemingly FORGET the real tragedies and hide away all the demons that haunt me from them, and instead become fully fascinated and wholly absorbed with the most minor daily happenings. Who am I kidding? Has my life really become a daily ritual that distorts the present and hides the past? I've got to get a grip.

I really want this chapter in my life to have some romantic, poetic ending. However, I have a feeling this isn't going to be fun or easy or anything quick. I've got to dig my heals in, stand firm with the faith in the Lord, search my soul in the places that I've kept under lock and key, and face this head on, and that's just the beginning...

Simple Things

This has been a really funky week. Not like 'funky' like I'm grooving to disco, more like 'funky' I seem to be in a funk this week. Too bad it wasn't the other way around, 'cause that could be kind of fun actually.

At work I've been really under the gun, not in a bad way, just needed for more things. It's job security really. But most weeks I'll have the every day grind and maybe 1, possibly 2 big projects a week. Totally do-able, keeps me on my toes. This last week in ADDITION to being funky, I had 7 projects, last minute "needs to be done yesterday" things drop right in my lap. ICK ICK ICK. I struggled through every bit of it. But I did make it out alive.

I am often busy, but what I really cherish are quiet times, peacefulness, and simple things. (On a side note, I got a friend a card last week whose dad was dying. I didn't know what to say other than the normal. But I needed her to know that I was thinking about her every second, and re-living my own loss of my mom, while she was going through this. So I got her a card, meaningful and a little light hearted--just my style. The front said "Quiet meditation is good. Quiet meditation with cookies is better," and the inside "I have access to cookies." I left the card and a bag of cookies where she would find it later that day.

But that card got me thinking. I don't take enough time to make these quiet, peaceful, simple things a priority, and I should. It's in those moments that I can reconnect with God. It's like I'm this busy earth body, but I have to pull in and refuel, so I can run for another week. (More than just a once a week church thing.) So I made a conscious effort despite my funkiness to find these times. Maybe it wasn't that I needed MORE of them, maybe it was that there were plenty out there ready for the taking if I could just open my eyes and see them.

I did find these times this week:
-I spent the most meaningful time with my friend when her dad died later this week
-I enjoyed a good book for a few minutes every night before I fell asleep
-I had lunch with an old friend of my mom's who I'd never met before
-I spent more time than usual each night in prayer
-I didn't rush through my phone calls with my dad
-I sang to Jesus when I sang out loud- it wasn't just words to me

Then this evening, I met with a small group like I have done in the past. This time used to be MY time, but then life got busy and I didn't show up for months. I've re-committed to this group and it is food for my soul. It is SO good. Tonight was different though. We usually meet in our regular spot inside, but the doors were locked and no one had a key. Instead we spent our time together outdoors tonight.....and it was beautiful. It was quiet and peaceful and simple. I needed this time tonight like I've never needed before. The blessing of this all was that all I had to do was show up and be present, and it found me.

Caffeine + Me =Yikes!

Too much to do today, too little time, too little sleep. Too much caffeine and too much crankiness. I am in a super funky, bitter mood today. My poor family has to put up with me. I think I'm getting a headache too. Sometimes the hubby can tell before I can that I have a headache on the way. I'll be a little snappy (apparently), and he'll say, 'got a headache lovie?'..... "NO!" It's right then when it makes it out of my mouth I realize he's on to something! I don't like medicine much, so most of the time I'll try to get rid of the headache naturally: try to nap, have a glass of water, take a shower, go for a walk, etc. But all the while still quite snappy. Then he'll plead with me: "for the sake of the family, PLEASE take your headache medicine!" OK. I GET IT! Oh, I mean... ok I get it.

Sometimes those darn headaches creep up on me and WHAM it pounces and I just can't get away. I hate it and I know that hate is a bad word but I do, I really do. I hate it. One time on the verge of a massive migraine I thought I'd try a different approach. I decided to pretend like I DIDN'T have a headache, and therefore, if I didn't acknowledge it, it wouldn't have any power over me. We were on on our way to a movie with the bebes when I figured out that was a bad idea. The migraine already had me and it was taking me down. Barfing into the bag of food we had just picked up for dinner wasn't the nicest touch either. Eh-

So I'm sitting here trying to be rational about being in a bad mood. It's funny really. I can't even begin to take myself seriously. I'm writing because it's like therapy for me. It helps me unwind.

One of my jobs as a mommy, a wife, and daughter is to try and live by example. I'm not doing a very good job. It's times like this, when I have no excuses that I feel VERY small in this big 'ol world. I pray for tomorrow for me. And pray for my family tonight that they don't hate me. And thank that sweet Lord in heaven for allowing me one more day to make a change.

Distractable

I always start the day with good intentions. I give myself a little pep talk in the morning: asses my mood, center my mind and spirit, pray for strength, guidance, and out the door I go.

I had a lot of things to get done today. None of them happened. Because of one thing or another, I just couldn't get a grip today. The kids got to school late, completely by my doing- they were on time, but me...not so much. Although once I could see we were going to be late, and we were actually already late, it was okay. I couldn't change being late if we already were. It gave me extra time to talk with my bebes, I took a few extra minutes combing their hair, an extra hug and kiss when they were getting out of the car too. It warmed my heart.

Then the traffic was icky getting to work. It wasn't horrible-horrible, just enough to slow me down. I REALLY enjoyed listening to my CD in the car this morning for 15 minutes longer than I usually do. It brought me peace.

At work it seemed I had a zillion tasks that were urgent. I had a new email program installed this morning, and it really took some getting used to. I couldn't just zip through it like I usually do. Then I made myself a cup of coffee which I promptly spilled right across my desk.I also realized for the last 2 years that I have been running a report (that has a pretty big impact) incorrectly the entire time. But my uppers were not upset; they were understanding and encouraging. This brought me humility.

After a day of rushing around to get nothing accomplished I was exhausted. (Poor me!) I picked up the bebes with grand plans of making a nice big dinner, and snuggling into bed early. This too was not meant to be. One of the bebes informed me that she had a school performance tonight that I had completely forgotten about. We rushed home, found a clean dress, washed her little grubby face, and were heading back to school. It was Earth day today, which also didn't take note in my brain until almost 630pm. The 1st grade classes were having an Earth day celebration. It was possibly the cutest thing I've ever seen. 40+ precious kids waving their hands in the air slowly while they sang a song about sea anemones. I am SO blessed.

My take on today is this: my plans are great, God's plans are better. He knows that my intentions were there, good job. Then I hear him say, "Now check this out." And he shows me life through his eyes not mine...and it's so much better.

Hunting

I'm on a hunt. For what you ask? I'm not sure I know. What is it then? I can't quite put my finger on it. But my soul is telling me that something is missing, and so, I am hunting. Are you picking up what I'm putting down? My soul is yearning for something more, something deeper, something different and anchoring and decisive...something....well...to fill a void I guess.

I feel like my life depends on it. I know that it's God. At least I get that much. The Holy Spirit is telling me (from what I can ascertain) that I am not done. There is much to do to prepare this weathered soul for the kingdom of God. So I better get a move on already. Now if I could just figure out what it was.

There are a few things that I've found bring me to a heightened awareness of God, when I can feel his presence: when I play the piano, when I sing, when I forgive someone who has hurt me, when I am about to drift off to sleep, when I am able to be completely selfless. It's the most awesome feeling, captivating actually. I close my eyes and allow myself to be taken in and lost in the moment. I picture Jesus and me standing together and the world is spinning around us but in a glorious way. Each time this happens, I mentally take a snapshot of my emotion and then tuck it away in my memory banks for a time when I may need to call on it again to know and remind myself that God IS real.

What I want is more of these times. Am I greedy? I have to work on myself to be able to do each of these. It takes hard work and effort and time to get any of these done. I am also beginning to realize that I don't need to limit myself to just these few ways that I have found. I know that there's more. But where? And that is why I must hunt.

There must be something that I am being called to do, but my perception must be cloudy, or my heart not in the right place, or something unfaithful or untrustworthy that I am preoccupied with that is keeping me from knowing what it is. I know that it's major. The Holy spirit is not letting up. It's pleading with me to continue the search because my life does depend on it. I feel like there's a battle getting ready to boil to the top inside me. Jesus must win.

It's so odd to me. With a good book, I have to read the whole thing to get to the end to see how it all turns out. All I have to do is read it. And I love reading it. But with life, each day is a struggle, every single day, even though I know what the prize is at the end. I know the answer is Jesus. He is my prize. I think I'll just take this one day at a time. Tomorrow I will live my life and LOVE the process of getting to the end. Maybe it isn't all about the end prize. Maybe it's about the journey and how I get there.

That Was Weak

That's how my morning started out. I was really excited about today. And then as I'm gearing up to face the day and everything else this is what I hear. "That was weak." Wow. Whoa. Way to put a damper on things. I was in the midst of figuring out how to pull something off that I wasn't terribly comfortable with, but yet had a glimmer in my eye, and little pep in my step, my heart racing just a little as I was about to try something new. Okay. I hadn't figured it out completely yet, but gimme a break already.

What I wanted to do was turn around and defend myself. THEN I realized that maybe (I hoped) the comment wasn't for me. So now I shouldn't say anything. For some reason I like calling my feelings "feelers." My feelers were hurt. Because I really felt attacked in the most calm, supportive, loving atmosphere. So it was really a stretch. But nonetheless, "That was weak" took my heart and soul right out of my heart and soul. I took it really personally. I don't like feeling like that.

I have an issue with letting my guard down, and I had it down, and instantly I had to take each brick and build it right back up again.

I prayed about this a lot today. It really bothered me and I didn't want it to. It's silly. I went about my day today: saw my dad, took the kids out for lunch, visited with some friends, went to church this evening, sat with the hubby a while.... I still can't figure this out.

I decided THEN when it was said to take it for what it's worth and know that I know my place. What if it WAS weak? Then I should make it not weak. So that's what I attemped to do. I also remebered that all I do is for God. He gets to determine if I am worthy or not. He is my audience. If my aim is to reflect God's love and grace, and serve Him, then I don't need to take things so personally. But I do. I am not perfect. And in the same breath, I need to remember that other people too are not perfect.

Wow. And just like that I am humbled.