Allowance

I will not start this blog writing that it's been a tough week. It has. And as I look back, they all have. So when that changes, I'll let you know. Until then... going forward: assume it's been another tough one until I say otherwise.


Being a wife was the hardest thing I have ever done. Being a parent is second. A daughter to a dying mother third.


I am steady and stuck at second. I am straddling that base as if my life depends on it, and that of my children.


I spent a great deal of time in my late teen years and into my 20's knowing my mom was dying. One day it would take its toll. I knew this. I tried to save her and I couldn't, but I tried anyhow. I knew James was sick also, but I couldn't wrap my head around it. I couldn't name it or mark it or get anyone else to see it along with me. I tried to save him too, absolutely believing that I COULD save him. Ultimately my love was not enough. I was not enough. His hurt was not visible enough to be validated by the rest of the outside world, but strong enough for death to beckon him home 2 weeks after our oldest daughter turned 11.


My parental instinct is to shelter and protect these precious girls. Lead them lovingly and wisely through the next several years that present their own challenges. I don't want them to feel a moment more of pain. A hopeless feeling that daddy is gone. The questions, the doubt, the confusion of not knowing, and being powerless in spite of it all.


I don't think there is any way to TEACH disappointment and nor would I WANT to. But there has to be something in me that ALLOWS these girls to feel a bit of it. I don't WANT them to FEEL it either, but I want to allow the opportunities, as they present themselves, to be FACED... with each of the girls with their sissies and me by their side to stand up and say we will get through this. I don't like broken hearts and I despise disappointment... is there something, though, within the hurt and within the pain, that will emerge beautifully anew eventually? Prove it's not all for naught? God, I hope so.

Did It

Only took me 6 months to pull myself together enough to do this. Got his jacket this evening. Actually, it was already a crappy day. I figured if I was already crying and not feeling great, what could it hurt to hurt a little bit more.

It smells like him =/

Today

Trying to work on my bio... It's a hard thing to do when you don't know who you are... =/

Today this is what it is. Yesterday was totally different, and tomorrow will be too.

I have a weakness for piano solos and vocal harmonies, wild poppies and tulips, lots of chocolate and peanut butter, warm snugly hugs and little white twinkle lights. Conversations with no words, southern drawl, windy stormy evenings in front of the fireplace, candlelight, horseback and a ranch in Haiku. Sisters of the heart, and Taqueria with corona, good books and pedicures. My silly sweet girls, and my dear ol' dad. Not at peace yet without my mom, and my hubby too. Not a stranger to heartache or headaches or tandem crises. I have a soft spot for the Marine Corps and anything military. Pretty darn quiet and I like it that way. Love me some sunsets on fall days, a warm chai latte, and mostly my Jesus ♥

The Unbloggable

I've been on radio silence for the past several days, save the absolutely necessary birthday pic of Emi. I don't know what I feel, and I when I do and I say it, it doesn't come out right, and then I'm worse off than when I started. There are creepy crawly eyes who read this blog too, and I haven't figured out what I'm going to do about it yet, if anything. So I just stew.

This past week and the week to come I have started tackling an almost un-tackle-able job. If you're close enough you know what this is, and if you aren't- then you don't. It's vital and important, and pain staking, and a constant reminder of mortality.

It reminds me that I have no idea how to survive when not in survival mode. And that's too bad. I've been stuck in it for so long, I almost NEED it. And I HATE that. I hardly hate anything. But I HATE that. Ick.

The most recent blow, was that the funeral home never started the military paperwork for the cemetery marker for James. He is supposed to get a special one for being in service, and it takes about 6 months for the whole process. Approaching the 6 month mark I called his Lt, and she called his Sergeant to see how far along it was. Well, it wasn't. It wasn't even started. Totally possible that I missed that when I was trying to get everything handled for the funeral and burial, but I SWEAR I talked about it with the funeral director and gave him the papers he needed. I am not about to wait another 6 months. So this weekend I finalized a headstone order with a private company. Ya know when you say your vows, you say FOREVER, till death do us part. What I put on the headstone will also be FOREVER. Longer than forever, at least MY forever. I don't like the uncertainty that I feel when I say that. It's really, really icky.

Not surprisingly, this has turned into a rant instead of something more practical, but so be it. What else feels icky that I remind other people of James, and that makes them sad... so I'm avoided. I'm losing out on not having James here, in addition to the loss of these other friendships. It doesn't seem fair. THEY remind ME of James, and so I'm drawn to them more. I want to hear their stories and just be around them, 'cause then I feel just a little closer to James too. But they pull back, and so must I.

Thank God again for the handful of friends who I can share an entire conversation with, with just a look of the eyes. Or the cross country friend who knows exactly WHEN I need to hear from her, and exactly WHAT I need to hear. I am blessed in little but mighty ways.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Emi is threeeeeeeee today :)