Logistics

The grief comes in waves. It washes in and then washes back out, sometimes taking me with it. I find solace in conversations with strangers who have no idea what I have been through. I just want to be treated normal. AND I just want everyone else to be on their best behavior while I figure out the highs and lows and try to re-acclimate to a life zone that doesn't include my husband any longer. AND I don't want pity. AND I don't want anyone else to tell me every thing's going to be ok. Because it's not. Please don't try to gauge me and label which stage of grief I'm at. So maybe that's not normal... it sure is asking a lot of every one else.

And then I'm snapped right back to reality and have to deal with the present.

A neighbor's nanny came over this afternoon whom I hadn't met before. She was looking for the child she was supposed to be keeping care of. He happened to be in my house. I invited her in, introduced myself, excused the clutter, swung a leg over Emi and went to retrieve the missing child. When I returned Emi had engaged her in a full conversation about the lady's family: brothers, sisters, mommies and daddies. The lady then appropriately asked Emi: "and where's your daddy?"

Sinking heart of mine starts right about now. Close my eyes. Breathe. Hang on for dear life(and the wall). Push the panic down. Breathe. Swallow. Open my eyes. Breathe. Listen:

"Um, my daddy is up in heaven. Way up high in heaven with his wings on."

Missing Him

This is my best friend and I am really missing him right now. I'm going through some old things and finding long lost treasures. Man he and I have been through the fire together, but the good times were good, and I was SO sure that true love would prevail and we would gallop off into the sunset and live in bliss. Apparently not so.

Tonight I find little remnants of this man. The man I love, and the reasons why...

In his drawer I find four things:
1. His one month sober chip
2. His cross
3. His Marine Corps tie clip
4. One barbie shoe =) <--always a daddy at heart

Learning...

Things I am learning that I really shouldn't be learning. I don't want to learn this stuff. Really I don't.

You find out who are your real friends, when they will:
- come and be with you when you tell your children their daddy has died
- help you pick out your husband's plot
- offer to call the coroner for you 'cause you just can't bring yourself to do it
- go with you to purchase your funeral outfit
- research which dress blues Marine Corps uniform I'm supposed to bury my husband in
- let me talk thru burying him with his wedding ring or without?
- fold at least 3 weeks worth of unmatched socks
- come climb into my bed, hug me tight, and let me just cry

Life has always presented its challenges in surplus to me. I manage. I deal. Sometimes I win and sometimes I don't. And mostly things turn out ok. But this is not supposed to be how this turned out. We were supposed to grow old together and sit on our porch in our rocking chairs and watch the sunset. I was not supposed to end up a widow at 30.

Reminiscing

Lost...

Where do you start? My world changed Tuesday. James has died. And I am heart broken.

Funeral arrangements are in process. Nothing set yet.

Easter 2010