I have been a recluse in my own head these last few days. Putting extra hours in at work, to get us *ahead*. I've been grocery shopping twice. 10 loads of laundry done, everyone has clean sheets and bedding. I put up the curtains in Lu's room that I'd been saying I'd get to for the last 3 months.
Believe it or not (from above) but actually spent good, long, quality time with the kids. We went over the hill to the theatre and saw a good, obnoxious, girl movie. And ate mozzarella sticks and ice cream dibs. We came home and as evening set in, we cuddled. Even the big girls, they are cuddlers and I love that. We slept in on Sunday and had ridiculous amounts of cereal all.day.long. I was not feeling up to playing Monopoly with Bitty (and I SHOULD have... argh) but I DID let her dump out her entire Lego collection on the living room floor and just play.
It was HOT (100°+) Sunday. I grabbed my favorite snuggly blanket and pillow and went outside about 3pm to the shade. I kicked a few leaves away and then plopped down in the shaded corner of the deck and SLEPT for 3 hours. Oh my body. My brain. My stress. My neck and shoulders. My nerves.
I also in my haste to leave everything ahead of schedule, understandable, and noted, paid all the bills thru the next several weeks. I printed a copy of the 'these are our bills and accounts' spreadsheet for hubby. These are due then; I use that 1st paycheck to pay that bill, and then those ones at end for mortgage. These are allllllllllll of the accounts, the websites, the log ins, the passwords. You shouldn't need it, but if you do, it's easy-peasy-lemom-squeezy.
This is what my mind does when I am sick. When I am preparing for scary outcomes. As I'm driving down the road yesterday I think: this may be the last time you see this view - take it ALL in and enjoy it. It hurt my heart to leave my girls at gramma's last night. I hugged them over and over and over again. But they were SO excited for taco night at gram's!!! :)
Meanwhile I am a mess inside. What am I doing? How could I be in a position to have a surgery with 20% risk of severe complications? Was it not enough salads? Was it my genetic make up? Was it worrying about EVERY. POSSIBLE. THING? My girls have lost SO much already. WHAT have I done???? What crisis have I been swept up into that I would allow them to be subject to this? My brain, my sorrow, my heart, my love. It never stops.♡
In better news...
Post-procedure is going pretty well. I have worried for nothing. Post op nausea came on just as expected. Kept on top of that. Pain started to kick up a little, so doc said I should stay a little longer. Settling into my actually comfy (for a hospital) bed watching 27 Dresses on closed caption TYVM.
I am beyond blessed. I DO have a body that can heal. I AM resilient- my mind, my soul, and my body. I am a mom, made of very protective instincts and fibers that will always try to do what is best for my family, my friends, and my precious littles. I got this.
(Hard to keep all in perspective when my gut is saying: PREPARE!)
Just signed off for the night, with this text to the girls:
"Muah muah. Muah muah. Muah muah. A set of muah (kisses) for each of you. One for each cheek. We're french ;) "